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Scientists are unlikely to agree with such a simple and anti-scientific division, but in a certain sense we can be considered that we have two “brains”: one thinks, the second feels. People with high emotional intelligence are distinguished by empathy, responsiveness, the ability to listen to others, and a high level of awareness. And what is typical for everyone else and why is it so difficult to build relationships with them?
Recently, emotional intelligence (EI), or “emotional literacy,” has been talked about more and more often. And no wonder: by understanding ourselves, we can better understand others, realize the reasons for our actions and learn to control behavior.
In the book Emotional Intelligence. Why it can mean more than IQ Daniel Goleman writes: “People with a well-developed emotional gift will be satisfied and successful in life by subordinating the tendencies of the mind that increase their own productivity; people who cannot establish at least some control over their emotional life are forced to engage in internal battles that undermine their ability to concentrate and think clearly.
People with low emotional intelligence have difficulty correctly recognizing emotions – their own and others. It is often difficult to live and work with them, they judge others and, at the same time, painfully and inadequately perceive even the most benevolent and constructive criticism addressed to them. Here’s what else they have in common.
1. They fail to build deep long-term relationships.
Such people are mostly loners, because it is difficult for them to get close to others, whether it be a friend or a potential partner. At the heart of a strong long-term friendship is usually the exchange of ideas, the mutual expression of sympathy and empathy, and the provision of support.
It is pointless to expect this from people with low EI: it is difficult for them to adequately respond to the words, emotions and behavior of the interlocutor, and, as a result, they miss the opportunity to get close to someone, dooming themselves to isolation. If you notice that this is typical of you, try to get to know others better by actively listening to them, rather than talking about yourself.
2. They don’t know themselves well.
Their own feelings, emotions, motives, their own soul for them are darkness. They do not understand why they behave one way or another, what is behind it.
People with high emotional intelligence are in contact with feelings, but do not allow them to control their lives, they are aware of what is happening and try to adequately respond to it. All this, alas, cannot be said about people with low EI. To fix this, they need to start getting to know themselves, with their inner world.
3. And at the same time focused on yourself
There is nothing surprising in this: it is difficult for people with low EI to understand the feelings of others, and therefore they try on every situation and circumstances for themselves, which means that they transfer the focus of any conversation to themselves. They do not open themselves and do not give others the opportunity to open.
When asking a question, such people do not seek to hear the interlocutor’s answer and generally hardly give him the opportunity to speak. Which, of course, hardly motivates him to continue communication. In addition, such people often seek to manipulate and control others.
4. They are always right
You probably have a friend who is distinguished by a categorical opinion on any occasion. Such a person divides everything into “black” and “white”, believes that his point of view is extremely important, and tries to convince others. Most likely, he or she has a low EI.
Communication with such people is usually exhausting, because they listen to you not to understand, but to quickly respond, and refuse to recognize the right of others to their own point of view. This is not to say that they are to blame for this: it is really difficult for them to look at the situation through the eyes of another, recognize his or her emotions and adequately respond to them. But the good news is that it can be learned.
5. They are never guilty of anything.
A low score on an exam is the teacher’s fault. A report not submitted on time is the result of network problems. They were fired from work because colleagues sat down or the boss did not appreciate the efforts. We make mistakes, and this is normal: this is how we learn new things, improve ourselves. Those who do not admit their mistakes do not learn from them and are more likely to repeat them.
Therefore, it is so important to learn to take responsibility for yourself, to understand what went wrong due to your fault and how to avoid it. The first and foremost thing a person with low EI can do is to acknowledge that there is a problem.
Everything is fixable – you can “pump” your EI. You can learn to understand yourself and others, and therefore get closer to them.