5 tips for unloved daughters: how to get rid of guilt and shame

From childhood, she knows: mothers should love their children, and since she does not receive this love, it means that someone is to blame for this — most likely, she herself. The fact that her mother is cold with her, that the closest person ignores her or screams.

Sometimes the mother reinforces this belief directly: “It’s your fault that I’m angry all the time! It’s because you’re misbehaving! You are the only problem! Why can’t you be like your sister?» Sometimes indirectly, by ignoring or ridiculing her. The mother may justify herself by maintaining discipline, but to shame the child is to mock in verbal form.

The girl believes in the fake cause and effect that her mother created. She gets used to feelings of guilt because she angers and disappoints her mother, and shame because she is bad, useless, unworthy of love, they become the basis for her low self-esteem, and sometimes self-hatred. In adulthood, these feelings can continue to torment her, influence relationships, control her actions.

For many years I was tormented by the fear that my mother was right about me, that I was worthless and incapable of anything. At the age of 27, I got to the point where I could hardly get up in the morning and finally turned to a psychotherapist. Only this helped me realize that I was not to blame for anything.

Shame, guilt and awareness of one’s own wounds

One day, a girl or woman begins to realize how this attitude has affected her. The realization comes from persistent relationship failures, chronic dissatisfaction with life, self-destructive behavior, or someone else bringing her attention to how unhealthy her relationship with her mother is.

Having understood the problem, she begins to take the first steps towards healing, builds boundaries, tries to distance herself from her mother, and right there there are people who begin to suggest that she is indebted to her mother for giving birth to and raising her. Guilt and shame make you doubt yourself, your decisions, and your perception of reality. Yes, she no longer lives in her parents’ house, but mentally continues to remain in the nursery, anxiously anticipating the inevitable troubles.

Only by realizing that feelings of guilt and shame stand in the way of change can you move forward. It’s difficult: many of us prefer to leave things as they are in order to avoid confrontation, especially when it comes to going against accepted cultural norms and breaking taboos. But this is the battle that any unloved daughter will have to go through on the path to healing. Here is a program to help you deal with feelings of guilt and shame.

1. Remember: you are not alone.

According to some estimates, in about 40% of children, emotional needs remain unmet. You are far from the only woman who has gone through this, and you do not deserve it. There is nothing to be ashamed of here.

2. Realize the power of the mother

Many people still believe in the myth of the maternal instinct, thanks to which all mothers allegedly love their children. It is difficult for them to recognize what colossal, almost absolute, power a mother has over a child, and any power provides opportunities for abuse. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it’s true.

3. Treat guilt and shame as manipulative tools

What is your mother doing to make you feel this way? Maybe she constantly reminds you how much you owe her and how ungrateful you are? Or begins each sentence with the words «You always …», listing your shortcomings? This is nothing more than an attempt, and most likely a very successful one, to manipulate you.

4. Record Your Reactions

How do you usually react when someone tries to control you with guilt and shame? Do you automatically switch to a conciliatory tone? Are you quick to give up and run for your life? Or do guilt and shame drown out all other emotions and thoughts, and you don’t even notice it? By becoming aware of your reactions, you will gradually learn to respond more productively, taking into account your own desires and needs.

5. Understand the influence of taboos and learn how to deal with them

Mothers are idealized, and many refuse to acknowledge that some women can be cruel to children. Yes, you may hear from others more than once that you are a bad and ungrateful daughter, but no one knows your whole story, which means that they have no right to judge you. We ourselves must be able to stand up for ourselves, there is no one else to do this.