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Are you… mature enough? Can you manage your own reactions to a wide variety of events? Are you regulating your own behavior? Do you sometimes overreact to something and then regret it? It’s perfectly normal to break down from time to time. After all, we are humans, not robots. However, some of us are better at handling our feelings than others.
The first «emotional lessons» we receive in early childhood, and we do not have the opportunity to choose teachers — our parents or those who care for us become them. And if these are emotionally mature people who have the time and opportunity to deal with us, this can lay a solid foundation for potential maturity.
Next, life experiences, environments, and role models come into play. Everything accumulates in an emotional “bank account” from which we “withdraw funds” in order to interact with the world in one way or another — somehow behave, react to what is happening around us, stay connected or withdraw into our shell.
And in order to understand what is worth striving for, it would be nice to understand what real emotional maturity looks like. So these people…
1. Accept themselves with all their flaws and failures.
And they happen to everyone, even the best of us. Bad habits and addictions, mistakes and failures, bad character traits and shameful deeds. The difference between mature people is that they do not blame others (family and school, society) for this and take full responsibility for themselves.
They do not engage in self-flagellation, but they try to improve, if possible — to apologize, make amends, take into account mistakes. They learn from their own failures, and accepting their shortcomings makes them more whole.
2. Empathize with someone else’s pain, but do not immerse themselves in the experiences of others with their heads.
The latter is especially difficult if you are a kind person. But we can’t take away their pain from others, except to lessen it a little.
It is easy for others to share their problems with emotionally mature people, they are ready to help, but not to the detriment of themselves and their needs. They do not “give the last”, do not go out of their way to save everyone. They stay in touch with loved ones, support them, continuing to live their lives.
3. Build and defend boundaries
Personal boundaries are an imaginary line that separates us physically and emotionally from those around us; it shows where we end and another begins, how we can and cannot be treated. Properly built boundaries help reduce stress levels and protect yourself, mental and physical integrity.
But setting and even more so maintaining boundaries is very difficult, especially when it comes to relationships with loved ones. If you are used to pleasing everyone, then understanding that rejection will offend or disappoint them is especially painful. But it’s worth it, because borders give us back a sense of security, thanks to them we remain ourselves.
4. Look at the situation through someone else’s eyes
It is certainly important to have your own point of view and defend it, but it also happens that adherence to one position limits our perception of the world. Emotionally mature people, at a minimum, respect the right of others to a different opinion, understanding that everyone has their own experience, their own story, and as a maximum, they try to learn something from them.
5. Cry and laugh when they feel the need to.
Emotionally mature people are not afraid to be and seem vulnerable. They don’t run and close off what scares them, they don’t block their emotions. If they are offended, they are sad and may even cry. If they are let down, they can get angry and give vent to their anger (but they do it in an environmentally friendly way). When they are helped, they feel gratitude and do not hesitate to express it. Finally, if they find it funny, they laugh heartily, without fear of what others will think of them.
About the Author: Karen Nimmo is a clinical psychologist.