5 steps to your own “I”

Acceptance of one’s past, work with emotions, search for what is really interesting and important for us – the path to ourselves is never easy. But from the desire to turn back, we should be restrained by the thought that only having mastered this road, you can touch your real self.

1. Make peace with the past

Our personality already contains the choice that our parents and all those with whom we identify ourselves once made. We cannot become completely ourselves if we are shy or afraid of the legacy of past generations. But it takes time to get rid of this burden.

Only by the age of thirty begin to try to live their lives without comparing their own successes with the achievements of their parents at the same age.

Others, only by the age of forty, get rid of the shame of an alcoholic mother or a father who abandoned the family. “Being real” is also not easy because, as the sociologist Vincent de Gauljac says, “the individual strives to become the protagonist of the story that shaped him.”

“Historians know that there is no truth,” he explains. – History, especially our own, is a narrative, that is, a subjective construction, including our subjective opinions. The main thing is not to establish the truth, but to come to a calm perception of what we know. Our task is to consider the facts from the life of our ancestors and their actions, using the methods of history, sociology and psychology for this.

This work allows us to better understand their motives and remove the halo of drama from some of their decisions. We can figure out why a secret or mental illness developed in the family and alleviate the guilt that our family history sometimes inspires in us.

2. Strive for self-realization

Coming to terms with the past is only the first step. Even soberly and calmly perceiving yourself and your past, you can feel that you live on the sidelines of your own life. As 38-year-old Ekaterina admits, she has not yet found the case that would allow her to open up completely.

“The self is something that is inherent in every person from birth,” explains Jungian psychotherapist Tatyana Rebeko, “it is that unique and inimitable that is in each of us.

To find oneself, to find the meaning of life, to be realized is the goal of any existential search

Crises and problems that we have to face signal the direction in which we need to move, where our weak points are. It is important to treat your problems as helpers and believe in your life purpose. The path of self-realization begins with trust in oneself, in one’s feelings, experiences and dreams.

When we feel that our work does not give us the opportunity to realize deep aspirations, we lose enthusiasm, the desire to create, and then the taste for life. If we are content to joylessly follow someone else’s instructions, then we risk falling into depression.

To get closer to understanding yourself, it’s worth thinking about the four facets of professional life: talent (what I’m good at), passion (what I like to do), necessity (obligations that I have to consider), and meaning (does the work fit my beliefs).

By analyzing these factors in relation to ourselves, we can find one or more areas in which they all come together. If we succeed, then we will receive great satisfaction from the coincidence of the desired and the actual, our inner world and our practical activity.

3. Work with emotions

Another way into the bowels of our “I” is emotions. You need to be especially attentive to them when at first glance they seem inadequate: everything seems to be in order, but we suddenly become sad or we feel inexplicable anxiety …

“I am in perfect control of myself and can behave very evenly, without showing the slightest sign of sadness or anger,” says 29-year-old Pavel. “The trouble is that I don’t listen to myself and find out about my feelings only at the moment of the explosion.”

If emotions overwhelm us, it is worth considering: what do they want to tell us? It is better not to react to something that hits us right away and wait for the moment when we can put emotions into words.

“You need to trust your emotions,” says family therapist Boris Shapiro. – They are much more accurate than reflections, they can explain to us how we feel about what is happening. When we are happy or sad, surprised or angry, our feelings must have a reason.

Emotions often express needs that we ignore: to be understood, to receive recognition, respect. “Emotions must be taken seriously,” continues Boris Shapiro, “think of them as a message to be deciphered.”

4. Learn to express your truth

We are taught from childhood to tell the truth, but we often forget that everyone has their own truth and that it is not so easy to express it. 33-year-old Daria says that in her youth she asserted herself, saying absolutely everything that came to mind: “Often my words were offensive and indecent. Well, let it be, I thought, but I am a whole person, I do not change myself.

“Being truthful does not mean saying everything,” comments existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. – You can talk about the experience that you see in another, or about the impression that he makes on you. This will also be true, but will not hurt the other.”

Sometimes telling the truth means going through a kind of initiation: when we say not what was expected of us, but what we feel, realizing how much we will have to pay for it. Tell your boss that you don’t agree with him – and be prepared not to go on vacation in the summer. Knowing at the same time that you have children and they have their own truth: they want to spend the holidays with their parents.

Truthfulness requires some effort, both in the choice of form and in regard to the meaning of our statement. We must look for words that reflect our thoughts or state, while respecting the one to whom these words are addressed. In form, we should try to speak primarily about ourselves, and not about the interlocutor, to use “I” rather than “you”, because our own feelings are the only truth available to us.

And in fact, by our statement, we must recognize our own vulnerability, what society considers weakness. Truthfulness about our shortcomings (but without self-pity and narcissism) gives beauty to our personality if we do not hide them, but try to correct them.

5. Decide on intimate relationships

Intimacy is where you can find yourself, because it involves being able to let another person into our territory without pretending to be an invader. Conversely, we must decide to enter the other’s territory in order to accept and love him for who he is.

“Life together helps me to be myself,” says 34-year-old Victoria. “But perhaps there is also an inverse relationship: it was thanks to the fact that I learned to accept myself that I was able to decide on a life together with my friend.”

“It is important to understand what feelings, states and needs we have during communication. Often the main thing is the desire to please, and then we look closely at the interlocutor, “calculate” him, – explains family psychotherapist Anna Varga. “And it turns out the path to him, and not the path to yourself.”

For a relationship to be truly intimate, you need to tell friends and family about your true thoughts, feelings, and desires. Sincerity both requires trust (both in your neighbor and in yourself), and at the same time strengthens it.

“But it is always difficult to hear and understand each other,” continues Anna Varga, “you need to make efforts for this. It is impossible to understand who you are without feedback, and in order to receive it, you must open up to others. In order for communication to really lead to an understanding of oneself and others, one must overcome the fear of condemnation and agree that misunderstanding, disappointment and dissatisfaction are also closeness.

Without sincerity, communication will not be real.