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Our experts offer you five simple and practical exercises to help you find your way to a good choice – whatever it may be.
1. Focus on yourself
It’s hard to figure out what we really need when something constantly distracts us. “To understand what we really want, we need to get rid of negative emotions and what influences us from the outside,” says yoga teacher Natalya Shuvalova.
Take a free position sitting or standing. Straighten your back. Take a deep breath and listen to yourself: is there any tension left in your body? Relax, but keep your mind clear.
Listen to your body, direct your attention to your face, neck, shoulders and arms, chest, abdomen, pelvis and legs – where do you think negative feelings accumulate? What is the dominant feeling when you think about the upcoming choice: tension, depression, disappointment, fear? ..
Focus on your “negative zone”. Listen to your breathing: your task is to “push out” accumulated discomfort with each exhalation through your mouth. Keep doing this until you feel free from them.
Fill this zone with positive: calmly inhaling, mentally send warmth, tenderness, light into it, remember a pleasant smell or taste. The exercise can be considered completed when a feeling of comfort and confidence comes.
“It took me a while to decide”
Kamil Larin, actor, one of the creators of the comic theater “Quartet I”
“I made my first serious choice at the age of 15 – after graduating from the eighth grade, I decided to continue studying not at school, but at a technical school. I had no particular life experience and no idea of what lay ahead of me. Just at that moment I wanted more: to get not only a secondary education, but also a specialty. And I began to study as an electrician … But very quickly I realized that the technical school itself and the chosen profession were not mine.
I was much more interested in the student theater of miniatures, where I began to study. Acting has always attracted me, and I even tried to enter (and entered) the Saratov Theater School. But I didn’t stay there, but returned to finish a technical school at the request of my parents: they really wanted me to have a “normal education”. And after that, my decision was finally formed: I will try to enter the theater! But not everything, alas, depended only on me: for the first time I did not succeed in entering GITIS.
Probably, I could then pass, hide like a turtle in a shell, start to take offense at fate and feel sorry for myself … But, apparently, the desire to become an actor was very strong, really mine. I entered the following year and found myself in the same stream with my future friends and colleagues – the creators of the Quartet I theater. But we could easily pass each other. I think that everything happens in life very organically and correctly – if the door is closed, it may not be worth breaking through. It is also a choice, and a very difficult one, to decide to wait, or maybe go look for another door. To do this, it is useful to listen to yourself, notice what is happening around, wait, weigh the decision, and not move ahead. But this understanding, of course, came to me only with experience.
2. Know your true desire
When the decision made coincides with us, we feel it instantly: we are filled with joy, there is a surge of energy. Do you doubt? Hypnotherapist Mikhail Ginzburg offers to realize your intention right now … with the help of imagination.
Take paper and pencil. Come up with a name for your project and set a deadline for when you would like to implement it. For example, you have decided to move to live outside the city. So write: “Moving with your family to a country house in 2020.”
Mentally travel back in time: imagine that you have successfully implemented your plan. Write down in detail what is happening in your life now. Tell about it in detail – so that even a person who is not initiated into plans understands you. May 20, 2020. Early morning. I opened the windows to our blooming garden and began to collect the children for school … “
Listen to your feelings. How do you feel now that your wish has “come true”? “I’m living the way I’ve always wanted to.” Or vice versa: “I’m sad”, “I miss the busy city life a little” … The experience of visualization will help you understand what you really want.
Comment by Yulia Latynina
“I often and in different circumstances have to analyze a lot of conflicting information in order to make my choice – what to believe? It is at this moment that such a tool as intuition is more than important for me. This is one of the main problems that journalists face: something important, dramatic is happening, something needs to be said about it, but nothing definite is known. This statement may sound too presumptuous, but the conclusions that I manage to draw in such situations, relying on intuition, often turn out to be correct. I can remember a great many such cases, and they are to a great extent a source of my pride.”
3. Listen to your intuition
An inner voice, instant insight, not based on logic, confidence in what to do … “Intuition is our special mind, a unique sensory mechanism that brings us closer to ourselves,” says American psychologist David Myers. It is important to be able to recognize her clues and coordinate them with the arguments of reason.
Pay attention to how your intuition manifests itself. When thinking about what decision to make, we often enter into a dialogue with our inner voice. So, “talking” with us, intuition seems to guide us along the right path. We begin difficult negotiations, and in just a few seconds, a strange, illogical premonition makes itself felt. Intuition also manifests itself at the bodily level: at the moment when we seem ready to make a mistake, it gives a signal – an acute headache or stomach cramps may occur.
Pay attention to how your body reacts when you make important decisions and try to understand what that means. Intuition manifests itself both in visual images and in accidentally heard phrases, when it suddenly becomes completely clear to us: “This is just what I need.” It is at such moments that we suddenly instantly understand what we like or dislike, what choice we are ready to make now.
Trust the voice of your own intuition. The first, intuitive desire is often best for us in a given situation, especially if the behavior is guided by feelings, not reason.
Try to be more attentive, notice any signs around you that will help confirm your intuitive choice. Intuition whispers that your new acquaintance is a good person, but you hesitate. And suddenly an advertising poster catches your eye: “This is for you!” Be open, listen to the “messages” that will confirm the correctness of your decision.
“I chose the opportunity to act”
Olga Preobrazhenskaya, employee of the Bank of Russia
“When in August the smoke from the fires covered the city, I became scared – for the child, for the parents, for myself … It seemed that it would never end. The first, almost instantaneous decision that came to my mind was to urgently send the child out of town, to the country house with his parents. And then the question arose: what can be done to make me and my loved ones breathe easier? I found the answer on the Internet. Igor Chersky’s blog posted detailed information on how and how to help the victims and those who extinguish burning forests and peat bogs. The fund of the doctor Elizaveta Glinka collected food, clothes, equipment and delivered it to the burning areas.
I carefully read the posted information – message after message – and at some point, after weighing my strength, I got to work. Registered in LiveJournal, created my own blog. They began to write to me, call, and then come, acquaintances and strangers, ready to participate … The next Saturday I made my first flight, and when I returned, I began to organize the next one …
In my decision there was no impulse, drive, desire to get a dose of adrenaline: I was not going to throw myself into the fire, put out the burning forest. Together with many people, I collected and delivered everything necessary for the victims of the fire and those who extinguished it. My actions made sense. And yet, I thought about my son all the time. Perhaps this helped me to turn on so quickly and actively, to gather myself. Probably, my sad experience as a victim of a fire also played a role: a few years ago my apartment burned down, I literally stayed on the street and I remember well my feeling of helplessness and horror, as well as how my friends and family helped me.
4. Think of others
Our decisions rarely concern only ourselves. “Therefore, our goal is to move towards the fulfillment of our desire, understanding the needs of others,” explains existential psychologist Svetlana Krivtsova.
Before confronting others with a fait accompli such as changing your job, consider the arguments you think would justify the choice. This will allow you to more accurately understand what is really important to you, what is the hierarchy of needs. For example, the main one is more creative work, and besides, the desire to learn something new, diversify your social circle, change the environment. The leading need – creativity – must remain unchanged, while others can be adjusted according to circumstances or abandoned altogether. This will allow you to prevent conflicts with loved ones.
Tell your family, partner, friends about your decision. Start with the main thing: “I decided (a) to change jobs.” Then ask, “What do you think of this?” And discuss every point that concerns both of you: “We will not move,” “I don’t know yet if I can get free health insurance.” If your interlocutor leaves the conversation, do not rush him, give him time. Your goal is to take into account the needs of both, to reach an agreement, not a compromise, when one party to the agreement sacrifices its preferences for the sake of the other.
“I decided to change my life”
Olga Migunova, foreman of the boiler room
“As a child, I suffered from polio – all my life I have one leg shorter than the other and my muscles do not work well. But my parents brought me up as an ordinary child: I played the same games as the neighbor’s children, more slowly, of course, but together with everyone. She graduated from two schools – general education and music, entered the Plekhanov Institute. But I, who grew up in a communal apartment, had a dream – a separate housing. And I … got a job in the boiler room, where I soon got an apartment.
I always knew that everything in my life depends only on me, and I tried to act in such a way that they would not help me, but I could be useful. But when the youngest granddaughter was born and my daughter needed my help, I clearly felt that I began to weaken. I even walked with caution: my joints hurt very much. As I continued to work, I collected myself as best I could. But, of course, I understood that in front of me, most likely, an early feeble old age.
One evening on TV, I heard the story of a French woman who, at 104, went to change her driver’s license, as the previous one had expired! I even crept up all: and here I am grieving that my active life is over! I immediately remembered my friend, who cuts through the city in a car – dashing, cheerful. And then I decided: I need to learn to drive. At 58, I got behind the wheel. I went. What is the weakness of the joints! Drive, pleasure… The car is not a crutch, it cannot pity others, it strengthens me from the inside. Together we rush to help everyone: to take and bring my granddaughter, to accompany my friends to the market … I again became mobile, light. It is unlikely that flabby old age will overtake me – I am on the road, on the way, and not as a passenger, whom life takes to no one knows where.
5. Get started
“Now forget about your fears, insecurities and doubts,” advises coach Mikhail Sofonov. “The decision has been made and must be translated into concrete action.”
Stand up, feel your body, pay attention to how you breathe. When the breath flows freely, tension disappears and we feel calmer. Now you can focus on what you are going to do, such as meeting with a new employer.
Imagine that the meeting took place. Look at this scene as if you are watching a movie on the big screen of a cinema. You look great and speak with reason – the interlocutor is delighted.
Imagine that you are on the stage of a theatre. The audience greets you in the hall – feel your success. Determine where the joy of victory is concentrated, for example, in the solar plexus. Mentally imagine it in color. Do you feel how it shines?
Recall a situation when you were just as good – for example, at a party with friends. Mentally go back, “revive” this memory.
Connect both scenes – a conversation with the employer and an evening with friends – immerse yourself in these bright, joyful sensations to be filled with them. You will be ready to act when impatience wins over doubt. When meeting with your future boss, remember the color and radiance of your success.
When the choice is too big
How to deal with the problem of excessive choice in this age of opportunity? American social psychologist Barry Schwartz, a leading expert on the psychology of choice, suggests the following.
- Determine when to choose seriously, and when not to suffer and make a decision at random. In most cases, little depends on our choice, so it is better not to waste mental resources on insignificant decisions.
- Consider your choice and be prepared for non-standard moves: for example, reconsider your decision or reject every single option.
- Do not strive for perfection and do not try to evaluate and weigh all the possibilities.
- Don’t dwell on missed opportunities. Once you’ve made your choice, don’t think about it anymore.
- Treat every choice you make as if it were your final choice. The realization of the fact that the choice (especially important) cannot be changed allows you to live more calmly with what you have now.
- Regret your choice less. Regret can be alleviated by reducing the number of options considered and remembering that one decision is unlikely to fundamentally change a life.
- Feel gratitude more often – to people, circumstances, higher powers ….
- Every day, write down in a separate notebook five events for which you are grateful to fate.
- Remember that the joy of everything new quickly passes. Remind yourself how good what you have chosen is (and not that you are less happy with this item than at first).
- Don’t expect too much; unexpected pleasure is always stronger.
- Avoid the temptation to compare yourself to others.
- Decide for yourself when it’s easier to limit your freedom and follow rules or habits.