5 steps to regain intimacy

1. Restore a trusting dialogue

Is it enough for us to communicate, which has turned into an exchange of information about children and the household? After all, I want to be important for a partner, to see interest in his eyes. If we want to establish mutual trust, we can start by sharing this desire with a partner. “Tell him about it peacefully and respectfully, avoiding any reproaches,” suggests family psychologist Inna Shifanova.

Stop looking at your partner with disappointment and blaming him for no longer living up to the ideal image that we had at the beginning of the relationship is the first step to returning intimacy. Let’s look at him differently: as a person with whom, starting from this moment, we want to be happier, and let’s try to take care of him the way we would like him to take care of us.

“If you start a conversation with an affectionate address, it is much more likely that it will be friendly,” Inna Shifanova recalls. In addition, it is important to realize what kind of couple we dream of building. And then discuss it with a partner and think about how to achieve the goal. “Instead of making a list of everything that a loved one does not do,” the family psychologist continues, “it is useful to ask him what we can do for him to feel loved.” Perhaps this will encourage him to do the same.

“For some time now, I finally realized that my beloved is different from me, he looks at many things differently, so he doesn’t always guess what I didn’t say out loud,” admits 43-year-old Svetlana. Now, when I want something, I just ask him for it. I tell what is important to me and ask about his desires. I feel like I can trust him again. And the fact that we are different is no longer annoying. On the contrary, it is interesting!”

2. Give each other time

With the advent of children, a married couple turns into a parental one … and often gets lost in it. Husband and wife need to set aside time to be together. This is good for both the couple and the kids, who should know that the parents chose to live together for more than just taking care of them.

“It took me six months to persuade my wife to go to visit, leaving the child with her grandmother,” recalls 36-year-old Fedor. And I can say that I was lucky. Now we at least occasionally go out somewhere together. But we have familiar families who seem to be divided: the wife is at home, the husband goes to his friends.

Some emotionally distance themselves from the partner, risking sending him in search of the missing warmth to others. And a joint “going out” gives partners the opportunity to escape from worries and again see independent, attractive people in each other. But psychoanalyst Fabien Kremer suggests “taking time to be alone at home. If we spend one hour every evening together, without TV, without a mobile phone and without children, we show each other that relationships are important to us.”

You can have a glass of wine together while preparing dinner, or go out for a walk with the dog. “Over time, you begin to feel the need for such moments, because they really bring you together,” says 37-year-old Daria.

If the relationship becomes too mundane, the reason may be that both spouses or one of them avoid being face to face with a partner. What exactly are they afraid of? Get bored? Find that they do not meet the expectations of another or their own? Here are some questions to think about.

3. Continue courting

“At home, she walks in a tracksuit, and she brings beauty only when we are going somewhere,” says 44-year-old Denis with regret. “I don’t think I matter to her anymore.” Of course, it’s about the sense of proportion. Sometimes it’s nice to relax at home. But there is a danger that at some point the relationship will lose its eroticism.

“Remaining seductive is a way of saying “I want you to like me” to another and thereby giving him confidence, says psychotherapist Isabelle Constant. In addition to grooming, there are other signs of interest that are more original than the kiss on duty in the morning and evening. You can try to come up with something so that it would be nice for the other person to come home, to make him little surprises.

“Whether you like it or not, but“ killers of love ”exist!” 34-year-old Ekaterina is convinced. Indeed, it is difficult for us to remain mysterious when we know almost everything about each other: from signs of a bad mood to physiological details. The generosity of love would like to forgive all this. But desire is much less indulgent. And here, according to Isabelle Constant, the game comes to the rescue.

“We date each other in bars and pretend that this is the first meeting,” says 34-year-old Nikolai. “Every time I get to know my wife again, I see her with different eyes.” His wife Elena says that she is still surprised by the compliments of her beloved and the enthusiasm with which he wins her again and again.

Mutual admiration strengthens self-esteem and nourishes the desire to be together. Our efforts to reinforce our partner’s confidence in their beauty and personal worth remind them—and us—of why they have become indispensable.

4. Put relationships first

A couple is not just a union of two. In it, everyone discovers values ​​that are important to him: communication, closeness, confidence in the future. When we begin to doubt our worth and our place in the world, seeing ourselves as part of a couple can strengthen us. “By creating rituals that show that we are happy with the relationship, we give the partner confidence, remind him of the importance of our connection, and ourselves of the commitments made,” notes Fabien Kremer.

But the common intimate space needs protection. Therefore, we should establish boundaries between our couple and the outside world. Reaffirming such boundaries is the respect with which we always talk about a partner with others, no matter what happens in the relationship. Fabien Kremer also urges “to assert communication with a partner in public and avoid ambiguous behavior, that is, not to meet with the former in his absence and not to maintain close friendship with members of the opposite sex.”

Old fashioned? Each couple adopts their own rules of conduct. The main thing is to spare the sensitivity of the beloved and not to arouse his jealousy. To understand what offends him in order to be able to calm him down, and also to be well aware of the reasons why we sometimes want to start a relationship outside of a couple. After all, “when we make commitments, we must inevitably give up something. But this is the price we pay for our union with our beloved to become something truly delightful, ”the psychoanalyst sums up.

Support each other

To give priority to a partner means, among other things, to take into account his difficulties, to listen carefully to him, to be able to come to the rescue, postponing everything. Of course, it’s not easy. Our era encourages independence, and sometimes we habitually close ourselves, instead of opening up, asking for help from a loved one and leaning on him.

And it’s also not easy to admit the seemingly simple fact that this closest person is different, his feelings, thoughts, intentions, needs are different from ours. Nevertheless, it is necessary to “accept the otherness of the partner, not wanting to change him,” says psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt. Tolerate that he is not always at his best, that he can be sick and weak.

“This implies,” the psychoanalyst continues, “that we are able to accept our own weaknesses.” That’s what maturity is for. In addition, you should accept the partner’s past. For example, understand his responsibility for children from another marriage and act in such a way that it is compatible with the couple that we are building. It’s not about sacrificing yourself for your partner or seeking to gain power over him by protecting him. But about being able to make concessions, hoping for reciprocity.