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Writer Peg Streep talks about what will help restore the lost sense of self and improve life after a difficult breakup.
The final point in our divorce was set a year ago – and I still cannot fully recover. And it’s not about regrets: I wanted a divorce, and the most difficult thing was that the divorce cost me a lot of nerves and money. The problem is different: my perception of the world and place in it has changed.
Looking back, I realize that one of the most devastating consequences of a legal divorce is that you lose the feeling that you are capable of making an impact. Many of us who have fallen into the quagmire of complicated divorces – and such, according to statistics, about 5% – have not had a chance to deal with lawyers before, except for matters of inheritance or buying a house. We were not prepared for the fact that, despite the sky-high prices for lawyers, the divorce process would turn into a series of endless lawsuits, delays, tricks and lies. To the fact that we will feel like an observer of a game of ping-pong between two lawyers.
The worst thing is that all this affects our lives. And it’s not just that you’re not in control of the divorce – in this game of cat and mouse, you lose your inner values and sense of self.
But everything can be fixed. The main thing is to be active, active. And here’s what it takes.
1. Set new goals
The only way to regain your ability to act is by acting. By setting new goals for yourself—true ones that reflect your values and aspirations—you can get back in the driver’s seat of your life.
By the way, studies show that writing down goals is much more useful than just thinking about them. And yes – in this case, writing with a pencil or pen is better than typing.
Make a conscious decision not to talk about the divorce as if the process is still ongoing.
Having defined the goals, it is important to draw up an action plan in order to translate them from the abstract to the very specific ones. This will help to cope with procrastination and use any signals and tips from outside. A simple example: if one of your goals is to reconnect with new people, and you are thinking about it quite specifically, then the announcement of the search for volunteers will be a “bell” for you and will force you to act.
2. Try to deal with regrets
To really put divorce behind you, stop replaying past scenarios in your head: first of all, the decision to marry this person, as well as the details of the divorce process. Research shows that thinking in vain puts you in danger of getting stuck in the past.
Make a conscious decision not to talk about the divorce as though the process is still ongoing. “If only” thoughts – “if only I hadn’t married him”, “if only I had taken action earlier” – make you feel helpless. If you continue to beat yourself up for what you have done, please seek help.
3. Expand your self-image
Change isn’t easy for most of us, and divorce isn’t just about going from being “married” to being “single” or “single”—it’s a lot of change. In his book Transitions: Finding the Meaning of Life Changes, William Bridges calls the process of disidentification the main one, characterizing it as the wrong side of the divorce process.
He himself was a professor of literature, and then began to write, teach and consult. The transition from a prestigious title to describing his occupation in a chain of verbs was more difficult and painful for him than he expected. Even though you may no longer want to be “Jim’s wife” or “Lily’s husband,” you may feel like you’ve lost an important part of who you are.
The more complex our image of ourselves, the more resilient we are in times of stress, the more reliably protected from negative emotions.
Research by family lawyer Patricia Linville shows that the more complex our self-image, the more resilient we are in times of stress and setbacks, and the more protected we are from negative emotions. She considered the cases of two divorced women: one recovered from the breakup quite easily, the second “floundered” for a long time, trying to cope with the situation.
A woman with a larger self-image—tennis player, lawyer, colleague, sister, mother, gardener, skier—has retained more of herself by losing her wife status than the second woman, who originally defined herself only as wife and lawyer.
It is important to reconsider the position in relation to oneself, to give oneself a new definition.
4. Make a symbolic gesture
Life changes can literally push you out of the past and into the present. Often, those who are trying to recover from a divorce are helped by a change in clothing style or a more drastic change in appearance, apartment renovation (especially if this is still the same place where they lived with their spouse). Some women are empowered by their maiden name.
Both men and women say they felt better after they did something new, unexpected, something that they could not afford in marriage: went to travel alone, went fishing, did something just for themselves. .
My symbolic gesture was that I again began to wear a wedding ring, which had lain in a chest of drawers for three years. I realized that despite the fact that my ex-husband paid for the ring, I chose it myself, without him, so there is no emotional attachment as such. I like the way it looks, and besides, with all the legal fees, I’ve paid for it in full, more than once. So I wear it again – on my right hand.
5. Focus on what you can control
Let go of your terrible experience and move forward. If it’s hard for you: you just can’t stop thinking about the mistakes you made, about missed opportunities, you are overwhelmed by negative emotions, you are drowning in regrets – please seek help from a specialist.
Set goals, work to achieve them – step by step. Still ahead.
About the Author: Peg Streep is a publicist and author of best-selling books on family relationships, including Bad Mothers: How to Overcome Family Trauma.