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“Listen and do the opposite” is the motto of people who behave passive-aggressively. Their tricks can be infuriating. But trying to pressure them to get your way is useless. What are the options for solving the problem?
Passive aggression is a way to covertly express negative emotions. Many people avoid open confrontation with others. The reasons may be different: some are afraid that they will not be able to contain their anger; someone fears that they will not be able to defend their position; and someone simply does not like scandals and believes that manifestations of anger “do not suit” an adult.
Sometimes passive aggression becomes a way to show your disagreement with other people’s decisions when direct confrontation is dangerous. For example, an employee who has received a pay cut may deliberately delay work or even steal (if he is not ready to quit). Either way, the passive-aggression strategy can be a problem. Especially if someone close to you adheres to it.
He does not have the strength to argue, and deep down he understands that he simply has nothing to say — however, he does everything in such a way as to upset his wife
Consider the situation. The husband comes home tired and immediately sits down in front of the TV. His wife reminds him that today is his turn to put the baby to bed. The husband tries to argue, but eventually agrees, although he feels a dull annoyance at not being allowed to rest. He goes to the bedroom, but instead of wishing his daughter (let it be her) good night, he starts a game with her.
The wife enters the bedroom and finds her in bewilderment: “I asked you to put her to bed.” The husband smiles and replies: “Well, we played a little. Do not be a bore». The daughter echoes him: “Mom, don’t be angry.” The wife is annoyed: on the one hand, now it will be more difficult for her to calm the girl. On the other hand, in this situation, in the eyes of a girl, she looks like a strict mother, and her father looks like a beloved dad.
The husband’s behavior is a typical example of passive aggression. He does not have the strength to argue, and deep down he understands that he simply has nothing to say — however, he does everything in such a way as to upset his wife.
How to respond to passive aggression?
1. Understand the situation
If a wife is familiar with the basics of passive-aggressive behavior, she may detect that her husband is sabotaging the arrangements made between them. Instead of getting angry and getting turned on by yourself, it’s better to try to figure out what happened and try to answer the question: why does the husband do this?
Wife: “I want to talk to you. I asked you to put your daughter to bed. You agreed. We talked about how important it is that she goes to bed at the same time. But now you’re acting like you don’t care about our arrangements. It makes me sad».
Husband: “Come on, we were just having some fun. So what?»
Wife: “I just thought maybe you are unhappy with something too. Maybe you’re upset because I asked you to put your daughter to bed, and you wanted to relax and watch TV? It’s important to sort it out so that tomorrow I won’t ask you about it again.”
3. Don’t get confrontational
No matter how peacefully the wife says this, the husband will almost certainly defend his version. If she pushes harder, he will go into defensiveness and thus reinforce his «cool dad» image in contrast to the «boring mother.» If the wife reacts in the same passive-aggressive manner, the relationship may deteriorate. The best way out is to simply leave the spouse to think about this thought.
Husband: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I put her to sleep like you asked. After all, I hadn’t seen her all day. Relax».
Wife: «Okay. I just wanted to share my thoughts with you.»
4. Be persistent
If such situations arise again, the relationship can crack. What would you do if you were your wife? Above all, remember that blaming and blaming only fuels the desire for passive resistance. A more effective way is to be persistent and draw parallels. In this way, you will gradually convey to your husband that this style of behavior upsets you, but you are ready to discuss the problem.
Passive-aggressive behavior is associated with avoidance of unpleasant feelings and situations.
Wife: “Today’s situation reminded me of the one that happened last week when I asked you to put my daughter to bed. Then I asked you, maybe you were angry with me? I thought, suddenly now you are also dissatisfied with something? Would you like to discuss it?»
5. Go ahead
Passive-aggressive behavior is associated with the avoidance of unpleasant feelings and situations. If your partner behaves this way, show him that your relationship is a safe zone and he does not need to resort to tricks. Help him realize that you are more upset by his way of avoiding the conflict than by the conflict itself. The fight against passive-aggressive behavior should be based on dialogue. Then she can strengthen the relationship.
About the author: Signe Winston is a social psychologist and author of the Passive-Aggressive Diaries blog.