Mindfulness is one of the important trends of our time. We are talking about conscious breathing, eating, moving. But a conscious separation during a divorce is unexpected. However, such a concept exists. It was developed by psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, who helped thousands of people survive divorce.
Despite the specifics of her work, Katherine Woodward Thomas is very sympathetic to the idea of a marriage union for life. Another thing is that she considers this idea unrealistic: “You have to understand that this is a myth that arose about 400 years ago, when the average life expectancy was less than 40 years, people were not mobile and they had very few choices. I think people are now ready for new alternatives. Yes, we create a couple with the intention to go a long way together, but if it comes to a break, you need to know that there is such an option as a “conscious separation”.
This term went around the world when actress Gwyneth Paltrow mentioned it in 2014 – she told on her blog that she and Chris Martin had decided to get a divorce, and how they feel about their divorce.
The idea of a “deliberate breakup” was scoffed at by many — they say, this is another idea in the spirit of “new age” and “help yourself” practices. Was she embarrassed? “Well, it was the way it was,” she replies. “I can understand that. At least the term “deliberate separation” appeared in the dictionary within a day after Paltrow used it, saying that this is how divorce should be approached in the XNUMXst century. So there’s a positive side to that as well.”
True, many still misunderstand her concept, saying that this is an option only for the elite, that this is Hollywood nonsense, or that a spouse must definitely support this idea in order to actively participate in the process.
It is important to forgive each other, break free from the old agreements on which the union was built, and conclude new ones.
Breaking up with a partner, Katherine emphasizes, is one of the biggest traumas we have to deal with. She assures that her technique is suitable for everyone who is going through a difficult period, “especially those who tend to immerse themselves in negative experiences and who are in danger of remaining traumatized for a long time.”
She divides the separation process into 5 steps. The first three are about dealing with your negative emotions (they need to be identified, named, and ultimately accepted) and accepting your part of the responsibility for the divorce. “Even if 97% is the fault of another person, we have to figure out where is our 3%? Because in them lies our ability to trust ourselves. This is necessary to move forward,” says Thomas.
The third stage involves identifying and breaking habitual patterns. “You need to see your hidden beliefs that are “highlighted” by the breakup (for example, “I’m single again (a)”, “I’m not good enough (a)”), and get rid of them in order to build healthier relationships in the future. And only the fourth and fifth steps are connected with the partner. It is about how to forgive each other, how to break free from the old agreements on which the union was built, and make new ones, since the relationship must now inevitably take a different form.
Catherine herself went through these stages during her divorce. The history of her marriage is remarkable. Meeting her husband, radio host Mark Austin Thomas, inspired her to write the book One Step From Love. “At 41, I wondered if I had missed my chance to get married and start a family,” she shares. And she answered herself – no, this cannot be. She even announced to her friends that she would get married at 42. “But this does not mean that I started looking for a partner. Instead, I took up introspection, looking for invisible barriers within myself that prevented me from arranging my personal life.
For example, it was necessary to find and let go of old grievances in yourself, even remember such seemingly stupid things as the “agreement” that she concluded with her boyfriend in her student years that they would return to each other when they were 60. This work has not been in vain. At 42, Katherine was engaged to Mark, and a year after the wedding, they had a daughter. Therefore, when their marriage broke up, for her it turned into not only a personal, but also a professional crisis. “I thought it was the end of my career. But I wasn’t going to keep a failed marriage just out of fear for my career.”
She managed to find a way to cope with both separation and divorce. “And I thought: my example can be useful to others.” Both Katherine and Mark had a hard time going through the divorce of their parents and did not want their daughter, who was then 11 years old, to experience the same pain. “We were united by the desire to do everything so that our daughter had a happy childhood,” recalls Katherine. “This intention has driven each of us to become the “better version of ourselves.” To do this, we needed generosity and cooperation. Most of us understand that in marriage it is necessary to create a healthy emotional atmosphere, to deliberately do something good for each other, not to slander a partner. But when we get divorced, we often forget that we have children, which means that we still remain a family, only in a different form. It has to be rebuilt.”
There is a saying that time heals, but it is not true. I know people who, even after 30 years, are unable to open up to another person.
In a sense, they were lucky – no matter how painful the separation was, they did not have to face either betrayal or betrayal. Katherine speaks of her husband as a noble person. So is her method suitable for those couples where one of the partners, for example, had a long relationship on the side or blew all family savings?
“Yes, it was easier for us,” she admits. “However, most of the clients I work with have faced betrayal, great material damage, and other troubles. It would seem that they will never recover from these devastating injuries. There is a saying that time heals, but it is not true. I know people who, even after 20 or 30 years, are unable to open up to another person. But nevertheless, it is possible to learn from this experience and move forward to new, healthier and happier relationships. It’s not about necessarily being friends if you don’t feel like it. If you have been mistreated, it is possible that you do not want to have anything to do with this person. But you can’t live with this hatred.”
Katherine and her husband are by no means “best friends”, but they live in the same apartment building and raise their daughter as equals. He is more than a member of the family, according to Katherine. “Conscious separation is an idea that inspires us. I don’t know anyone who can handle it perfectly, including me. It’s more of a roadmap that you learn to navigate your way through.”
Source: The Guardian
About the Developer
Katherine Woodward Thomas, family psychotherapist, coach. Her book “One step away from love. 7 weeks to find the love of your life” (Eksmo, Audrey, 2017).