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Many of us are so afraid of being alone that we long to be around anyone. Some try hard, but in vain, to strike up a relationship with at least someone, others have such high expectations that no candidate can pass the selection. Psychologist Kristina Kostikova explains why it is important to pause the search for a while, shift the focus of attention to yourself and how this will help in finding a suitable partner.
Each of us wants a relationship with a partner to bring happiness, joy, fulfillment and inspiration. However, this is not always the case and not for everyone. How to be? First of all, it is worth changing the optics: stop viewing loneliness as something negative and think that this is the best time to get to know yourself properly. It is on the quality of this acquaintance, on building relationships with oneself, that which partner will sooner or later appear next to you will depend.
Here are a few key questions that underlie relationships with yourself, and, as a result, with other people.
1. Ask yourself why you need a partner
An honest and detailed answer will help you see the true need behind the desire for a relationship. Everyone has their own answer: someone needs a relationship in order not to feel lonely, someone wants to feel important and significant. Some seek happiness in partnership that they do not experience alone, others want financial support. Each unmet need gives rise to anxiety, and there is an illusion that another person can satisfy this need.
But the paradox is that if you look for a partner based on the actual need and even meet him, anxiety will only subside for a while. Subsequently, it transforms into a fear of losing a partner: this happens when there is no sense of one’s own integrity. The psyche understands that the satisfaction of needs and peace of mind depend on a particular person (partner), which means that you need to try with all your might not to lose him.
Write down everything that comes to mind and think about how you can meet these needs yourself.
But the worst thing is that, even if we once realize that the partner no longer suits us, it will be more difficult to end the relationship, because we do not have the skill to close emerging needs (be it emotional balance or financial support) on our own.
When asked about the true purpose of finding a partner, it is better to answer in writing. Write down everything that comes to mind, look at the list and think about how you can meet these needs yourself.
By learning to cover important needs for you, you will not only gain self-confidence, but you will also be able to look at your future partner without excessive idealization, you will not cling to anyone who pays attention to you, and you can calmly look for a mature person like yourself .
2. Know and love yourself
The slogan that is full of books, magazines and the Internet. But it seems easier said than done. How to love the most important person in your life — yourself?
Let’s draw an analogy with romantic relationships. How is your love for another person going? How does it turn into love? Most likely, at first you get to know and get to know your partner: you are interested in his tastes, hobbies, what can please him or upset him. After that, you will get to know the person deeper: his personal qualities, weaknesses and fears. You can fall in love only by consciously accepting the other as he is, without trying to change him.
This principle can be applied to yourself as well. It is impossible to love yourself until you know yourself from all sides. Such love begins with a sincere interest in oneself, one’s preferences and desires, emotions and experiences. Try to study yourself without judging in terms of “good or bad”, allow yourself to accept and endure any of your feelings.
The best way to understand what you yourself lack is to pay attention to what you want to do for others.
True self-love can only be born through knowing your strengths (and everyone absolutely has them) and an open look at your weaknesses, past traumas, fears and vulnerabilities.
Rejoice and celebrate your accomplishments. If something doesn’t work out, don’t give in to the strict inner parent. Try to find a way that will help you do things differently next time. Take care not only about your body, but also about what is inside you (about your own emotions, feelings, experiences, desires).
The best way to understand what you yourself lack is to pay attention to what you want to do for others. It can be care, attention, interest.
3. Find out your beliefs and values
Beliefs and attitudes are our invisible limits and permissions to ourselves. The difficulty lies in the fact that installations are most often not realized. We live in accordance with them, but rarely think about what really controls us.
Beliefs are social in nature, they come to us through communication with others. We “absorb” the first attitudes from our parents, then our own experience, fears and what we believe in are layered. Beliefs can be productive or destructive. For example, the attitude “relationships make partners stronger” will be productive, and “it is impossible to combine relationships and work” will limit us.
Once you become aware of your own value system, the likelihood that you will choose the right person and not be disappointed will increase.
Write down your own attitudes about love and relationships in writing, look at them and choose those that negatively affect your life. Try to criticize them and replace them with new ones.
It is equally important to analyze the values. If we do not know our values, there is a great chance to start living in accordance with the values of another person. Values are our inner life guide.
Determine what in life is important for you, what you aspire to and what kind of life you want to live. What are your goals? How do you see your own development, regardless of whether you have a partner or not? What is important and valuable to you in a relationship? What is unacceptable? What is the ideal relationship for you? Once you become aware of your own value system, the likelihood that you will choose the right person and not be disappointed will increase.
4. Learn to set personal boundaries and respect the boundaries of others
Psychological boundaries help us maintain relationships with ourselves and others at a comfortable level for us. You have probably noticed more than once that you cannot refuse a friend’s request, after which you feel depressed. A loved one reads your correspondence on the phone, and you cannot resist, and a friend asks about your personal life and you answer, even if you don’t want to talk about it at all. All this is a violation of personal boundaries.
The inability to defend the boundaries is always associated with the fear of experiencing the disapproval of another person, facing his negative emotions, as well as his own feelings about this. However, even if you keep the other person’s goodwill, peace, confidence and joy will leave you. It is the definition of boundaries that will help you save personal comfort and your own time. It is equally important to respect the personal space and time of another person.
Remember situations in which you were afraid to refuse, succumbed to manipulation, went on about another person in the name of maintaining a relationship with him. Remember when you sacrificed time and effort, although you wanted to do something else. Your discomfort after interacting with others will best show where your boundaries are. Write down these situations, analyze your emotions behind the fear of holding boundaries, and start building them in practice.
5. Analyze Past Relationship Patterns and Release Them
To build new, happy relationships, it is important to analyze the past. Many seek to enter into a new relationship immediately after the end of the previous ones. In this case, avoiding feelings and analyzing the experience doomed you to repeat a similar scenario. The psyche is always looking for constancy, even in painful experiences.
Review previous relationships. How did you choose that partner? What attracted you to it? What did you not like about the relationship? What emotions did you experience? What caused the breakup? When you entered into this relationship, did you like everything from the very beginning, or did you try to turn a blind eye to something? How can you use the experience gained to choose a more suitable companion in the future?
There is no single right recipe for finding and creating healthy and strong relationships. For each of us, this path will be different. However, building a strong relationship with yourself first will help you feel more confident in any life situation.