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Love, like grief, invades our lives suddenly, and we need time to accept it, cast aside illusions and understand what it really is.
Almost everyone has heard of the five stages of grief, discovered by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
“Oddly enough, the dynamics of the development of close relationships is similar to the dynamics of mourning – emotional tension, numbness, joy and loss – all these experiences succeed each other. While each couple is unique, all love relationships typically go through five stages as the emotional intimacy between partners develops,” says family therapist Zoe Hicks.
As in the case of grief, these stages can follow each other in different sequences and sometimes repeat again.
Stage one: intoxicating love
“Oh my God, I met the love of my life! I want to get married! I can’t believe how much we have in common!” Oh, that sweet, sugary feeling of falling in love. It is so beautiful that it is almost impossible to resist.
Hormonal storms have a bad effect on logical thinking, and now we are already starting to check mail 10-20 times an hour, forget to eat, buy pajamas to match the color of the bed linen for the future family.
“Love dramatically increases the level of “love hormones” in the body, our whole body is euphoric, and we want to constantly meet and communicate with our loved one. These experiences either weaken or intensify. But all this is just the first “swim” in the cool water of the “lake of love,” says Zoe Hicks.
Movies about lovers can be watched endlessly. This period is pure poetry, it gives us a feeling of warmth, comfort and security, as if returning to the womb. But then the realization that reliability and security are not compatible with freedom and autonomy brings us back down to earth.
Second stage: falling from heaven to earth
“My God, how he/she jokes badly! And yesterday I didn’t remember him / her at all! I hope we’re all right?” A hard landing after flying through the clouds is often intimidating. Our vision clears and we return to reality.
“I often lecture around the country and talk about “normal marital hatred”. No one has yet asked me to clarify what I mean. Everyone knows what it’s all about,” says family therapist and author Terry Real. “The moment you first look at your husband or wife and think you’ve made a terrible mistake… a real marriage begins.”
The veil falls from your eyes, your eyes are no longer clouded by love, and you are aware with frightening clarity of all the problems that life together poses for you. This descent “from heaven to earth” is smooth and soft, and sometimes hard and disorienting. But sooner or later the clock strikes midnight and Cinderella hurries home before her carriage turns into a pumpkin.
Third stage: suppression of feelings
“I have too much to do to think about our relationship.” This stage occurs when relationships give way to day-to-day activities and responsibilities. You yourself do not notice how you start talking only about washing clothes, bosses at work, crazy relatives.
The endless desert of routine begins to engulf the beautiful oasis of love and romance. Suppression of feelings is not always a bad thing, it is a sign that the relationship is real and has become an integral part of your daily existence. Still, it is very important to reawaken repressed feelings from time to time.
Try sometimes to pause “real life” (albeit for a very short time) in order to remember for a moment those tender and wonderful experiences that you experienced at the very beginning of the relationship.
Fourth stage: return of feelings
“I almost forgot how beautiful and sexy she is! How I love her!” Feelings begin to return when the realization comes: yes, your partner is imperfect, but you are just as imperfect. You understand how lucky you are that in your life there is a person who is always ready to support you.
Often this stage occurs after some significant event that causes shock, as if awakening both of you from hibernation. For example, it could be the death of a relative or the birth of a child.
Fifth stage: true love
“I’m really doing well. I am very lucky, and I love this man more than you can imagine. This is the family life of loving people. Sitting opposite each other at dinner, fighting over the TV remote control and knowing that you will always be together, “in sorrow and in joy.”
“True love usually blooms somewhere in the fifth year of the relationship, then the stages begin to repeat periodically, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, love fades a little, then flares up again, and it will be like this all the time while you are together,” sums up Zoe Hicks .
About the Expert: Zoe Hicks is a family therapist.