Breaking up with a partner is never easy. But it’s good to know that what you’re experiencing right now is completely normal. This is just one of the stages, and sooner or later it will end.
After her divorce from her husband, Anna initially coped well alone, but about a year later, when her husband remarried, she was “covered”. “I acted like crazy, obsessed. Followed the new wife of her ex on social networks, completely out of control. It was bad for everyone: for myself and for our children, ”she admitted to her psychologist, Karen Nimmo.
The woman, otherwise quite mature and adequate in Nimmo’s opinion, was frightened by the strength of her emotions, especially the anger she felt despite the fact that the separation was a mutual decision. However, this often happens when the former partner decides to move on: old wounds reappear, a trace of the past experience of abandonment, rejection or loss.
It seems to us that we are stuck and will never learn to do without a person who was once close to us. This is not true.
The stages of breakup that Karen Nimmo proposes to draw on echo the stages of grief formulated by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (denial, anger, trading, depression, resignation). As with the latter, you need to remember that each situation is unique and people can go through these stages in a different sequence.
1. Emotional shock
An emotionally charged stage during which everything is possible: tears, anger, anxiety, and if the separation was a complete surprise for one of the parties, then also confusion. But even if the breakup was a mutual decision, it is quite normal to be sad, because something that you two built together has ended, and the circumstances of your life have changed.
Feeling angry is also normal, especially if your partner has been cheating on you. There may even be thoughts of revenge and a desire to follow the former (fortunately, the matter is usually limited to virtual surveillance). Some feel guilty (especially if they were not completely honest with a partner) or ashamed, afraid of what “people will say.” The future appears unclear, and worries about this are also quite normal.
What to do?
Accept your emotions, give yourself time to grieve and grieve (you can do this in the company of loved ones with whom you feel comfortable), while trying not to do things that you may later regret.
Do not force yourself to smile from morning to evening. Remember: painful feelings are just feelings, and one day they will subside. If children still unite you with your ex, try to keep communication to a minimum, to a discussion of the “logistics” of children’s movements. And in any case, unsubscribe from him or her on social networks and do not go to the page.
2. Adaptation
At this stage, you gradually get used to being outside of a relationship, which is especially difficult if you have lived with a partner for a long time. The mood can jump: you either enjoy freedom and time for yourself, or you are sad because of loneliness and unclear prospects.
Loneliness is especially acute if you have children and they go to the former for the weekend or vacation. At this very stage, the client Karen Nimmo “broke down”, realizing that her ex-husband did not go through the same thing as her. Upon learning of his new marriage, the woman immediately installed a dating application for herself, although, in truth, she was not yet ready for a new relationship.
What to do?
Find healthy ways to help yourself and practice them regularly. It can be anything: meditation, reading, walking, journaling, exercise, creativity, cooking – as long as it helps. And be sure to plan your free time in advance, especially weekends and vacations. It is also helpful to set a new goal that has nothing to do with the romantic sphere, and start moving towards it.
3. Self doubt
By the time this stage is reached, the main emotions have already subsided, but doubts float to the surface – this is especially true for those who have been rejected. We start asking questions: Was I a good partner? Would anyone want to be with me again? What if I never meet anyone? Can I trust someone again? Can I trust myself if this is how I choose my partners?
Because of these doubts, we are afraid to build new relationships: the old ones “did not work out”. Often at this moment, old unprocessed traumas begin to speak in us.
What to do?
It’s time to get to know yourself better and remind yourself that there is good in you as a person and partner. Remember all the good things you have done for your loved one and your relationship. It’s also helpful to reflect on what you should do differently next time so you don’t repeat unhealthy patterns.
At this stage, you can already start dating new people, as long as you are confident in your ability to face possible rejection without taking it too personally.
4. Acceptance
We are finally beginning to accept the situation for what it is, and on good days we even enjoy life. At times, sadness, anger, and self-doubt may return, but overall, we feel pretty good. We don’t care what our ex does, who he dates. We are again confident that we are worthy of new relationships, we live a rich life: work, interests, friends, leisure, we look to the future with optimism.
What to do?
Congratulate yourself: the path to this phase was not easy, but you made it. Continue to get to know yourself as a person and figure out what you want from future relationships – this will be very useful to you in later life.
5. Growth
You have studied yourself and your previous relationships: if they were unhealthy, now you understand why. You no longer dwell on relationships, perceive them as a part of life, even an important one. You are either quite comfortable on your own, or you are enjoying a new romance.