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We tend to think of a man as a protector – even if we can stand up for ourselves. But where is the line between caring and trying to control every step?
When we meet a man who behaves like a knight, it is fascinating. We feel beautiful, desirable, worthy of care and love. But at some point, we begin to notice cracks in his sparkling armor and ask ourselves: does he want to protect me or is he trying to control everything?
If you are reading this article, then you have probably already asked yourself this question. Don’t beat yourself up: you’re not the first of the billions or so women trapped in the “care is control” mindset. Here are the signs that will tell you that you really need to get out of it.
1. He directly says that he should be at the helm
At first, this can make a good impression: he is a real man, strong and confident. But the phrase “It will be in my opinion or not at all!” says that if you ever stumble, you will be punished. Even if this punishment is silent ignoring, for you it will become a real torment. Especially considering that you most likely won’t even understand what exactly you did wrong.
2. Acts like he knows everything
The controlling man is omniscient, and you must admit it. It doesn’t matter what you yourself think about this or that topic, be it politics, art, relationships or parenting. He will categorically insist on his own rightness, making you feel guilty for the fact that your opinion is different.
Do not argue or try to explain that there may be a different point of view. Otherwise, he will be furious not only because you have a different opinion, but also because you dared to express it. Rabies can manifest itself in ridicule and sexist jokes. It is important for him that you learn: he understands everything better than you and everyone around you.
3. He decides how, where and when you have sex.
An enterprising man is great. But even the most proactive partner should take into account your desire and mood.
He can convince you as much as he likes that a “real woman” or a “dream woman” should be depraved (or, conversely, feignedly modest), fulfill all his fantasies and whims. But it is important to remember: you should be as depraved or modest as you yourself want it at the moment.
You should be comfortable and you should feel safe. And you certainly should not do what you do not want, even if your man craves it. Don’t be violent towards yourself.
4. You tailor your behavior to his needs.
This is a subtle point that is difficult to track. You may feel like you are making small concessions to please your loved one.
For example, he may say that you should wear a T-shirt over a sports top for a run, because otherwise you look too naked, and you may even think that this is a sign of care. But when it gets too hot for you and you take off your shirt, for him it will be a real betrayal, followed by either a long offended silence or a scandal.
If a man tries to forbid you to wear something, make up the way you used to, ride a bike alone in the evening – this is just the beginning. Further, everything that you love will be banned.
5. He treated previous partners the same way.
It is unlikely that anyone wants to ask advice from an ex-girlfriend or wife of his chosen one. But it is important to know what his relationship with previous partners looked like. This shows you what to expect.
If his girlfriend wants to tell you about something, most likely she does it not out of jealousy and harmfulness, but out of female solidarity and a desire to help. Listen to her and don’t be surprised if the story of their relationship is similar to your life.
Controlling men are often cunning. They do not act directly and try to disguise control as a desire to save you from a scary and cruel world. And by the time you realize what you’ve gotten yourself into, it won’t be so easy to get out of the swamp.
Be alert: when you see the first signs of control, walk away to save yourself months or even years of pain and struggle.