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Even if you consider yourself to be extremely calm and cool-headed, there is a high probability that anger lives inside you – an emotion that society does not always approve of and which many of us are forced to hide. However, the problem is that no matter how much you suppress your anger, sooner or later it will break out.
From childhood, we are taught that emotions and feelings are divided into “good” and “bad”, and anger is definitely one of the latter. This idea is fundamentally wrong: it’s bad not to get angry, and not to realize that we are doing it, to stifle in ourselves or mask this feeling – this will not end in anything good either for ourselves or for those around us. Psychologist Nick Wijnal lists the signs that repressed anger can be recognized and advises what can be done in each of these cases.
1. Chronic anxiety
Many of us are too afraid to openly express our anger and spend a lot of effort to hide or suppress it. This inevitably turns into stress, which, in turn, results in anxiety. At the same time, from the outside you can’t say that a real storm is raging inside such a person.
An important thing to remember is that anger is our natural emotion in response to injustice or violation of boundaries. So, when a bully pushes us at recess at school, it’s normal to get angry. And when on TV they show a story about people who have been displaced through machinations. And when a partner allows himself caustic comments about our outfit.
What’s more, anger is often the fuel for change. The human rights movement would never have achieved anything if its members did not resent slavery and racism.
Yet we are afraid to get angry ourselves and to make others angry, and there are often good reasons for that. Imagine a boy growing up with an abusive father. Pretty quickly, the baby learns that it is not safe to show anger or frustration – for this it can “fly in”. The child grows up and begins to live separately from the toxic father, but the habit of ignoring their own anger remains – as well as the inability to stand up for themselves.
This can be expressed in different ways – including the fact that such a person is given extra responsibilities at work, but he does not resist this in any way. In addition, he does not defend his boundaries in the family, for fear of angering or upsetting his wife and children. Stress builds up, anxiety levels skyrocket…
2. Inner monologues
Just because you don’t get angry at others doesn’t mean you don’t feel it at all: many of us direct our anger at ourselves. Even the most pleasant, friendly, patient, empathic and quiet of us often subject ourselves to the most severe criticism, constantly replay the most unpleasant moments of the past in our heads, remember all the mistakes and failures and are never satisfied with the result of our work.
As soon as someone reprimands or criticizes us, a string of failures pops up in our memory. And only by allowing ourselves to get angry properly, we can get out of this vicious circle.
3. Passive-aggressive communication
This style of communication in most cases is the product of intense repressed anger, which the person does not admit to himself. Moreover, it can manifest itself not only verbally: if we are chronically late for meetings “for a good reason”, or our stomach suddenly starts to hurt before meeting a friend with whom we would prefer not to see, or if we work carelessly, so that someone has to finish everything for us – all this also speaks of passive aggression.
As a result, those around us, including those closest to us, begin to consider us irresponsible, unreliable, and optional. Relationships deteriorate and we feel increasingly alone and misunderstood. And worst of all, we ourselves begin to consider ourselves unlucky.
Self-esteem falls, we are overcome by guilt or even self-hatred. To change this, we need to learn to speak louder about ourselves and insist on our own. Acknowledge your anger and frustration and act with respect for both your own needs and needs and those around you.
4. Complaints
Do friends, colleagues and loved ones think that you constantly “wine”? This may be another sign of hidden anger that you yourself did not recognize. You may have heard somewhere that “letting off steam” is useful: if you complain to others about what is happening to you, it will become easier.
Recent research proves that this is not the case: in the long run, we only get worse. Moreover, when we complain about something, we think that we are solving the problem, but in reality we only get more annoyed. The healthiest way to deal with your anger is to acknowledge it (including its significance), take action to get what you want, or let the emotion just be.
5. Unkind criticism
For many people, anger is hidden under the guise of “cold” ruthless criticism, and if you notice that you have become too harsh in assessing and judging others, be on the lookout: your anger may be about to break out. The mechanism of this process is as follows. It happens that we are dissatisfied with ourselves in some global sense – for example, because we cannot decide on changes in life, even if we understand that they are necessary.
The tension grows, we begin to feel guilty and ashamed for not doing anything, and in order to at least partially reduce the pressure of this burden, we find a “target” for criticism and condemnation. We “go through” others, their actions, results of work, behavior, appearance, and thereby raise our self-esteem a little, but only for a while, because as a result we begin to feel bad.
At the same time, from the outside we may look like cold intellectuals, criticizing others as impartially as possible, but behind this lies our deep vulnerability. Again, the only way to deal with it is to recognize it and self-directed anger and be willing to explore and express it. Including – defending their rights and protecting borders.