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Is he really the one? Can we be together for the rest of our lives? In a serious relationship, each of us sooner or later asks himself these questions. How to recognize true love? Psychoanalysts say.
What is love? A feeling that gives absolute happiness? Or an experience that plunges you into emotional chaos? Neither one nor the other. Even mutual love does not give a sense of harmony and serenity. But it excites and shocks us even after years. Love is a multifaceted feeling, here are its components.
1. Seeing the other person as a mystery
Love is a mysterious feeling. We feel it, but we don’t understand it. The force that pulls a person is inexplicable. We aspire to him not because we like the way he looks, is rich or endowed with power, not because he looks like one of the parents or other significant person. If the union can be explained logically — «she replaced his mother» or «they are together because of the money», true love is out of the question. In her case, we are always driven by mystery.
“Love appeals to our unconscious: to some kind of childhood experience, loss or longing for what we could not get. It affects that part of the personality that is unknown to us, ”explains psychoanalyst Patrick Lamboulet. — That is why it is a mistake to think that two “halves” should merge in a relationship, which give birth to something whole. This notion is the reason why many couples break up. When a person in a relationship feels understatement, he can decide: this is not his soul mate. But this, of course, is not the case. To truly love means to always remain intrigued by the other person’s mystery.»
2. Fear of losing
And constantly. And not only another person, but also yourself, dissolving in it. In The Dissatisfaction with Culture, Sigmund Freud explains this phenomenon: «We fall into dependence on the other because we constantly need him to support us in our existence.» Hence the fear of loss.
“Love means risk,” explains philosopher and psychoanalyst Monica Schneider. “This feeling is so dizzying that sometimes we are even drawn to reject it in order to protect ourselves from the frightening power over us of another person.”
Freud emphasized that Eros and Thanatos are inseparable: I love you — I destroy you. Eros is our desire to connect with each other. Thanatos is the death drive that pushes us to break this connection so that our «I» remains omnipotent.
If we manage to overcome all doubts and fears and surrender to love, we enter a wonderful new territory.
“It’s hard to give up on yourself,” explains psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. “Love always brings pain. It touches our very being—what we are in this world. Only a few realize this. Once alone, they enjoy it because they feel protected. But if we manage to overcome all doubts and fears and surrender to love, we find ourselves in a new wonderful territory, where feelings are revealed with renewed vigor.
True love is not a successful business deal. A whirlpool of feelings is a danger to both partners. Therefore, we often doubt otherwise. But even if he tries to pull away, this does not always mean that he does not love. Perhaps he is just afraid of losing himself.
3. Be willing to take a step into the unknown
In love, nothing is predetermined. No one can guarantee that feelings will be permanent, and life together will be long and happy. “Love relationships are a special world in which everything is not controlled by reason,” explains Monica Schneider. But don’t set yourself up for the worst.
Sometimes, because of past experiences of failed relationships, we convince ourselves in advance that we are doomed to suffer. To truly love, you must be able to believe in miracles again, accept the unknown and learn to be patient.
4. Feel desire
Here, at first glance, everything is simple: to love a person means to desire him. Research confirms that physical intimacy helps maintain relationships, keeps the fire of love alive. Without an exchange of caresses, lovers turn into roommates. You can have sex without love, but when it is, intimacy gives true pleasure.
If desire weakens, does this mean that the relationship is over? Not at all! Our feelings are influenced by many factors, they are cyclical and constantly go through periods of ups and downs. You may not want intimacy right now because you are just tired, have eaten too much or too little, are stressed, or, conversely, are pleasantly excited about some grand change. “There are days when it is enough for us that the loved one is just there,” explains Monica Schneider.
5. Feel alive
“To be loved is to feel that you have the right to exist,” said the philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre. True love is finding the meaning of one’s existence in the world.
Love brings us back to childhood, when it gives us the feeling that everything in the world revolves around us. By choosing each other, we highlight it, endow it with special significance. We recognize the importance of this person: we respect his views and hobbies, we accept his ideals.
He brings us his world, and we give him ours. This allows you to experience new feelings and open up new horizons. “Love helps to see all the colors of life,” sums up Monica Schneider. “True love makes you feel alive.”