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Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to make emotions work for us, and not prevent us from living and connecting with others. This skill is highly valued not only by a person’s romantic partners, but also, for example, by employers. How to understand that you succeed?
In articles and books on emotional intelligence, a lot of attention is paid to empathy, directness, naturalness, the ability to listen, give quality feedback and apologize. But, you see, all this is somehow too blurry.
Human relationships—both romantic and friendships—change depending on the situation. Empathy is good as long as it does not turn into a desire to please everyone. Listening is great, but sometimes you are required to be as objective and direct as possible on an uncomfortable topic.
So what makes people with really high EQ different? And can we learn something from them?
1. They don’t give others false hope.
Are there friends, colleagues, or potential romantic partners in your environment who clearly like you more than you do?
Have they noticed that their interest is “one-sided”, that you do not reciprocate their feelings – or at least do not treat them with equal delight and awe? Did you let them know? Or do you try to keep such people close in case you suddenly find yourself without company?
People with high emotional intelligence do not inspire false hopes in others. They are not afraid to part with acquaintances, friends, friends and partners and do not consider that they must urgently “replace” them with someone in order to fill the resulting void.
They also avoid strange situations and relationships in which the rules are not completely clear. Don’t make others think that you like them more than you really do. “Free” them, give them a chance to meet someone who really sees, appreciates and loves them.
2. They don’t say “maybe” when they really want to say “no”
Many of us have been taught since childhood that “white lies” are not such a bad thing. Allegedly, “bypassing the corners”, we soften the situation for the interlocutor, acting in his or her interests.
And sometimes this is true: for example, you should not tell a young mother how ugly her child is, and an old grandmother who loves you – that every weekend you get drunk until you pass out.
The problem is different. Many of us are terrified of refusing others – so much so that we say “maybe” or even “yes, but a little later”, hoping that the other side will change their mind or the issue will be resolved by itself.
High EQ people don’t do this: their “yes” is “yes” (and they keep their word) and “no” is “no” and they don’t feel compelled to justify their refusal.
3. They are not afraid to admit they are wrong.
The ability to apologize is an extremely important skill, which, alas, not everyone has. The ability to understand that you made a mistake and ask for forgiveness is a manifestation of strength, not weakness.
Moreover, it is much more difficult, and therefore more valuable for many, to admit that one is wrong – it is much easier to get off with a formal apology, just to please the interlocutor.
A sincere apology means that you understand what you did wrong, are ready to correct the consequences of the harm you caused, and will try not to repeat this mistake again.
People with high emotional intelligence are capable of this. They know that one mistake is not the end of the world, and they are confident enough in themselves to ask for forgiveness.
4. They don’t avoid conflict, but stand up for their rights correctly.
Life is impossible without conflicts, and you should not avoid them: disagreements help us to identify sharp corners, differences in views, thanks to them our relations develop – provided, of course, that the subject of the dispute is really serious, and we control ourselves and communicate with the interlocutor as much as possible politely.
It is up to you to decide whether the game is worth the candle and whether you need to get involved in an argument, but if you feel your own boundaries are being violated, be sure to protect them, not allowing the discussion to turn into a squabble.
Those of us who have upgraded our emotional intelligence know that winning an argument is often not the best option for both sides, and sometimes it’s better to compromise to keep the peace.
5. They don’t expect others to read their minds and don’t try to do it themselves.
The roots of most of the disappointments that befall us lie in deceived expectations, and our expectations are “deceived” because we do not formulate very clearly and clearly what we want from the very beginning.
We all at least sometimes think that “everything is already obvious”, that others will understand us without words. We hope that the spouse will throw out the garbage, and the boss will raise us – we deserve it! – and we are terribly upset when this does not happen.
Unlike the vast majority of us, people with high EQ, on the one hand, speak about their desires, needs and expectations from others in a forgotten way – through the mouth, on the other hand, they do not arrogantly believe that they themselves “already” know what want their loved ones.
Honesty, sincerity and intelligibility of the wording is a guarantee that the interlocutor will at least understand you, and without any glass ball. And as a maximum – will do as you want.
