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Does your partner never admit they are wrong? Hearing the slightest criticism in his address, he takes a defensive position? Is he smart and quite successful, but completely unable to support you and talk about feelings? It seems that you are dealing with a person with a low EQ – and perhaps because of this, you are unhappy in a relationship with him. By what other signs can it be recognized?
1. Delegation of “emotional labor”
Most of us have to make some form of emotional effort on a regular basis. To control ourselves and speak politely, even if we are shouted at and we are ready to break loose in response. Deal with your painful feelings, such as divorce, and learn to endure them instead of running from them. After all, asking strangers in a foreign country for directions, even if you don’t know the language well.
That’s what emotionally mature people do, even if it’s not easy.
People with low emotional intelligence (EQ) outsource this work to others. They ask others to solve their problems, one way or another connected with communication: to call somewhere, to agree on something instead of them, to act as intermediaries in conversations with family or even with colleagues. Often (though not always) this burden falls on the shoulders of women: it is their responsibility to carry out any emotional work in the family.
If you feel compelled to constantly “speak” on behalf of your couple and interact with the outside world, this is a reason to be wary.
2. Emotional gaslighting
Have you ever received a sarcastic or offensive remark from your partner, get upset, and then hear: “You always see everything in a gloomy light. Isn’t it better to be happy with what you have? If yes, then you know what gaslighting is: they make you feel bad, and then they convince you that it is your fault.
In addition, you should be careful with people who for some reason are sure that there are “bad” feelings that you should not experience. It’s okay to be sad and angry sometimes. And don’t let anyone convince you that something is wrong with you if you do.
3. Unsolicited advice
Truly emotionally mature people rarely give advice to others that they don’t ask for. They do not climb with criticism and phrases like “well, I told you (a)”.
Of course, if a loved one feels bad, it is difficult to remain indifferent. If he or she is worried, it’s tempting to downplay the cause of the worry and say that everything will be fine. When someone is grieving, I want to “cheer up” and help them quickly return to “normal life”.
But the problem is that when giving you advice, a person with low EQ is mainly seeking only to feel better.
After all, next to you, he or she is uncomfortable. You can understand this by what exactly the interlocutor advises: usually it’s about “just stop worrying about it” or “just leave this stupid job.”
In this case, you can explain to the person that you now need support, understanding, unconditional acceptance and empathy. Alas, not everyone is able to understand this.
4. Defensive on any issue
It is normal to defend ourselves when we are being “attacked”: scolded, criticized, unfairly accused of something, or otherwise hurt our feelings. It’s okay to defend ourselves when we actually feel guilty or ashamed of what we’ve done—provided, of course, that we’re able to apologize for it later.
But the problem with emotionally immature people is that they are constantly on the defensive, for any reason. This speaks of the great inner vulnerability and fragility of the ego and ultimately leads to endless quarrels and conflicts. But, even worse, such a person is simply not aware of such behavior, and it can also be difficult to point out to him. And of course he never apologizes for it.
5. Unwillingness to demonstrate their vulnerability
Emotionally immature people are simply not ready to open up and talk about how they feel. This means that it is not easy to build deep close relationships with them.
It’s not about constantly reflecting on any occasion. But if the partner, in principle, is not capable of this, this can turn into problems for the couple.
Imagine this situation: your partner is under tremendous stress at work, but cannot share what he feels.
Internal tension is growing, and in order to give him an outlet, he begins, for example, to abuse alcohol.
Another example: your partner is not happy with sex with you, but he is ashamed or afraid to say so. As a result, there are omissions, tension, and the feeling of intimacy disappears.
If, despite all your efforts to “talk” your partner or convince him to seek help from a therapist, he continues to close, it is worth considering the future of such a relationship. Probably, over time, the gap between you will only grow. Yes, it’s not the person’s fault that he is like that, and it’s most likely about childhood traumas, but you can’t “fix” this.
Remember the main thing: it’s not about you. It is extremely difficult to build a healthy relationship with someone who is not at odds with himself. Even if in all other respects this person is quite successful, intelligent and erudite.
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