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Many of us tend to become attached to those who evoke sympathy. But is it worth tying your life – even for a short time – with a person who is now simply not able to create a healthy and strong relationship? And how is this inability to recognize?
Of course, all those who are emotionally unstable should not be considered bad and should not be demonized. They are not able to create and maintain healthy relationships with other people, because their relationship with themselves is now going through hard times. In order to be reliable to you, they must first be reliable to themselves. And for this they will have to make a lot of efforts, and no one will force them to do it until they themselves want to. You will not guide them on the right path either.
And if a potential partner has embarked on the path of healing, it is better to wait until he goes through it to the end. Because until that moment, his attention and strength will be directed exclusively to himself. If you don’t want to walk around heartbroken (and if you do, you may need to think about your emotional instability too), then pay attention to these five signs.
1. He trusts everyone but himself.
Lack of self-confidence is a sign of trauma, most often received in childhood. Childhood trauma often prompts people to give up themselves and their needs in order to survive. As adults, they literally give their power to everyone around them and suffer from it. You may enjoy the feeling of their trust. But ask yourself: Is this trust based on a special intimacy that has stood the test of time, or is this person just utterly insecure? In the second case, trust has nothing to do with you – it is only a consequence of unhealed spiritual wounds.
Why does not have faith in yourself mean that this person will hurt you? Because he is easily influenced by the slightest. He does not have his own moral guidelines, they have not yet been developed. It is better to rely on someone who can rely on himself. Such a person, if necessary, will be able to support not only himself, but also you.
2. He constantly complains about his health
This does not mean that the slightest ailment or some kind of diagnosis should immediately scare you away. But a person who now and then complains of a breakdown and suspects all possible diseases in himself is not the best candidate for attachment. Often the habit of suffering unnecessarily because of one’s physical condition speaks of low self-esteem and that all a person’s energy will be spent on trying to cope with some mysterious ailment, and not on developing and strengthening relationships. He probably really needs to focus on himself right now. But the resource will no longer be left for you.
3. He uses “doping”
Alcohol, drugs, prescription drugs, even overeating, is an alarming symptom. A drug addict is incapable of real intimacy with someone else because he only feels comfortable after taking something. It changes his mood, creates an artificial personality.
The more often a person needs a new “dose”, the less stable his emotional state. And for him, you will never come first. Dependency will always come first. Probably, you are now thinking: “But there are so many couples around in which one of the partners or both use something.” Yes, but this only suggests that there is an emotionally unstable person in this relationship, or even two at once. They may have a relationship, but this does not mean that their union is healthy.
4. He has a lot of experience in “bad” relationships.
If you have the opportunity to review your partner’s previous relationship, do so. Did he repeatedly allow others to treat him disrespectfully and stay in a relationship for a long time in which he clearly felt bad? This most likely indicates that he does not value himself and believes that he is not worthy of love and respect. The more unworthy he considers himself, the more he will need your confirmation of his worth. But you can never fill that black hole even if you try your best. This is a co-dependent relationship that will inevitably lead to suffering for both of you. An emotionally stable partner is self-confident. He is modest, but at the same time he knows his own worth and does not need you to “feed” his ego.
5. He sees life in black
A pessimistic approach and lack of faith in the success of any, even the most trifling, business should alert you. If a person looks at life through the lens of potential failure, they will look at you and your relationship the same way. Emotional instability does not make a person bad or doomed to loneliness, it only means that now he needs to concentrate on himself and his state of mind. Independently and of their own free will, and not at your behest and not with your help. And you don’t need to hide around waiting for him to finally change, let him figure out his life on his own.
About the Author: Heather Hance, psychotherapist, author of Self Love: How to Shine with Confidence.