Everyone who is interested in self-development knows how important it is to learn to support yourself, to treat yourself with kindness. But what does this really mean? Where to begin? A few simple practices will help you understand what it is and how to finally show compassion for yourself.
Buddhist teachers and the XNUMXth Dalai Lama himself believe that compassion for others begins with compassion for oneself. Only if we learn to be kind to ourselves can we show mercy to others.
But it’s not about pity, indulging your bad habits, or being “spoiled.” If a gastroenterologist put you on a diet, then “please yourself” with fried potatoes and cakes is not a concern at all. As well as turning on an internal coach who urges: “Earn more, rise higher, do them all” – and does it at a moment when physical strength is running out, the psyche needs rest, and the soul needs peace and love.
In general, self-care requires a reasonable approach and assessment of each individual situation. And to cope with this pleasant, but still unusual task for many, basic, proven exercises borrowed by psychologists from Buddhist practitioners will help.
1. Write yourself a “letter of support”
Imagine that you are writing to a friend or child who needs sympathy. Find kind words, talk to yourself about what is bothering you, think of comfort. It is best if you write by hand, but you can also print a message. After writing, fold the sheet or move away from the computer, pause, and then open the letter as the person to whom it is intended. Listen to yourself after reading. What changed? What unfamiliar, but pleasant sensations visit you? Try to do this practice with a certain regularity – daily or every other day – for 10 or 14 days. Watch how your mood changes, what effect “letters of support” have.
2. Get rid of negativity
Down with unnecessary cargo! If you are having gloomy thoughts, try to make a small effort and visualize… a railroad. Put in the “car” every negative idea, every pessimistic conclusion about the future, all painful emotions for yourself and other people. Get on the train and watch as the train picks up speed and leaves farther and farther away from you, taking away unnecessary cargo.
3. Subdue your inner critic
If in childhood you, like many, had to listen to what you said, did something wrong, or even looked in the wrong direction, then probably the condemning voices of your parents or teachers still sound in your head. Try to isolate the speeches of the inner critic from the stream of thoughts – it is he who whispers to you, as in childhood, that you blundered again. Tell him that you no longer want to be unfair to yourself. Imagine that you hear the same words from someone addressed to a person very dear to you, maybe your child. What would you say? How would you defend? You can do the same for yourself.
4. Show compassion for yourself
Even if everything goes wrong, the inner critic persists and his words seem fair to you, remember that even criminals deserve mercy and kindness. And you are certainly not such a bad person as you sometimes think to yourself. Click on pause. Imagine, like in a movie, that the critic, and self-flagellation, and the negative thoughts buzzing in your head froze, as if on a freeze frame. And you got time to mentally hug yourself and say, “I’m a good person. Like everyone, I could be wrong. But I have goodness and light in me.”
If you live with a constant sense of guilt for some wrongdoing in the past, set aside some time to work with it. You can find recommendations on how to get rid of it. In some cases, it is worth contacting a psychotherapist – this will also be competent self-care.
5. Practicing gratitude
Most often they write about it, suggesting starting with other people. But if our goal is to develop self-compassion, we will start by “taking into account” the things for which you can be grateful to the people around you and yourself. Remember what good and kind things you have done in recent days – it can be a simple trifle, a smile to the seller in the store. Help a neighbor with a bag or call your mom, who was so happy to hear from you.
Now remember what good, kind and useful things you have done for yourself? Perhaps they cooked a healthy dinner, bundled up in a warm cozy scarf when it’s cold outside, or took the time to exercise.
Step Three: Think of people you could say “thank you” to for the good things they’ve done for you. Or maybe they aren’t people. For example, your pet cheered you up or just the day was so sunny that your mood improved by itself.
How do you feel at the end of this practice? If you repeat it daily for a month, you will notice that your attitude towards life is changing in a more positive direction.
Most of us have not been trained in self-support, which means that while we are groping, making careful attempts, following this or that advice. And on this path, it is also important to remember self-compassion – not to demand too much from yourself, to forgive yourself for failures and rejoice in even the smallest victories.