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“No one will do it better than me”, “Others know better”, “I don’t need anyone” … Such attitudes limit our life, make us more stressed. The study of the origins will help to weaken their influence. Together with a Gestalt therapist, we figure out how to do this.
Scenario 1. “No one can do it like me”
What caused
From birth, the child served his parents to satisfy their ambitions, and his real needs and desires were not supported. Parents demanded better results from him, idealized his successes or, on the contrary, humiliated the child if he did not reach the set bar.
This attitude causes a deep trauma associated with the experience of one’s own “I”, and subsequently a violation of self-esteem.
As manifested
For such an adult, success is extremely important. He makes excessive demands on himself and those around him and is often disappointed if he does not get the “perfect result”. Can throw things halfway, blaming others for their incompetence, stupidity.
In fact, deep down he is afraid to face his limitations and imperfections. He sees the world through the prism of hierarchies and statuses: he evaluates others depending on their position in society, external attractiveness, wealth or level of authority. And he strives to surround himself with external attributes of social success, in order to feel his significance and value.
What to do
Learn to trust. Think about whether there are those in your life who are easier for you to trust. Who is it? What is it about them that gives you confidence? For example, it is easier for you to trust someone who treats you without judgment. Or when you are sure that the information you share remains between you. Perhaps the list of fairly reliable acquaintances can be expanded?
Learn to appreciate yourself regardless of the assessment of others and circumstances. Accumulate experience where you are not accepted for merit, but because you are simply liked and it is good with you. Ask yourself the question more often: who am I without the achievements and trappings of success?
Scenario 2. “I don’t need anyone”
What caused
The parents were so cold and distant that the child felt unwanted and meaningless. Against this background, there was a blockage of vital energy, disconnection from emotions and the world.
As manifested
Such people are often restrained, immersed in themselves. They feel great alone with work, a book or a computer game. And interacting with people causes tension and a sense of awkwardness. Talking, negotiating, asking for something is a test for them.
It is important for such an adult to feel safe. A computer game, a captivating plot of a book, a scientific experiment create a safe space in which he can interact with other “characters” while maintaining his independence.
What to do
It is important to communicate more with other peopleovercoming fears and inconveniences. Look for people with common interests (someone with whom you can share your world).
Think what you want And what thoughts are stopping you? For example: on the one hand, I want a relationship, and on the other, I’m afraid that this will make my life difficult. The task is to explore your inner conflict, find your true need and find a field of activity that will satisfy each of the “heroes” of the conflict.
Scenario 3. “Others know better”
What caused
Parents did not support independence and the ability to take risks. Because of their strong concern for the child, they resorted to threats, manipulation or punishment for those acts in which the child showed self-will and aggression.
As manifested
People with addictive behavior are not used to relying on themselves, deciding something and being responsible for it. It is important for them to check all actions with the expectations of others. It is quite difficult for them to defend their opinion, argue, do what others do not like.
Behind these actions is the fear of losing important relationships. Pretending that they like everything, they express dissatisfaction in a passive form. For example, complaining to a third party that they do not dare to say directly in the dialogue.
What to do
Explore your fears and check with reality. For example, if you’re afraid someone else won’t like what you say or do, ask directly for their opinion. This will help separate your projection from reality.
If you realize that you are really wrong about something, you can correct your actions. If you realize that fears are far-fetched, you will feel better. At least at the moment.
Learn to give gentle feedback. To do this, you can first emphasize what you like or appreciate (this part keeps you in touch with the other person), and then only add what you would like to improve. For example: “I appreciate your desire to help me, but it will be more pleasant for me if you do this not through advice, but simply by listening to me.”
Scenario 4. “This is my burden”
What caused
A child who is too controlled and repressed by authoritarian parents quickly begins to restrain his aggressive, hostile impulses. In dealing with other people, such a person usually takes a conformist or helpful position, often showing passive aggression.
As manifested
It is important for such adults to feel boundaries and limitations. Often they have a bad job that does not bring pleasure. They endure suffering patiently and share it with anyone who is willing to listen. However, they do not seek to improve the situation.
If someone offers alternative solutions, they reject them. When criticized (“You only complain, but do not change anything”), they will throw out their anger at you for insensitivity and lack of understanding of the hopelessness of the situation.
Their frequent companions are hopelessness, deep distrust, disbelief in the future. It would seem, why create conditions for yourself where it is hard to be and there is little pleasure. However, once such behavior helped these people to adapt to the conditions where they lived.
The more sadistic and totalitarian the system in which a person lives, the stronger his sense of self-worth. Such people are sure that a threat lies in pleasure, and its experience gives rise to fear and guilt. In their experience, pleasure is followed by punishment.
What to do
Learn to enjoy. This can be a difficult step, as you not only have to find what really brings pleasure, but also overcome the resistance (and it has been practiced and practiced for years).
Start small: try to pay attention to what you like during the day. What is nice to look at in the room where you are? Who do you enjoy talking to? What kind of work do you enjoy doing?
Ask yourself these questions every day. The more repetitions, the less inhibiting experiences there will be, and the pleasure will gradually increase.
Scenario 5. “Who am I?” and “What do I want?”
What caused
The mother is emotionally unavailable, alienated from the child. This is one of the most destructive maternal patterns. In such conditions, the child cannot develop normally, because his basic needs are not met.
This does not always show up openly – outwardly the mother may seem perfect, but in essence she is unreceptive and uncaring. She ignores the child and does not take seriously his emotions, does not try to create a close connection with him, feels more comfortable at a distance from the child (emotional and physical).
As manifested
It is difficult for such an adult to rely on himself. He poorly understands and feels his identity. He perceives his abilities, merits as something random, unstable, on which he cannot rely.
For example, a person may feel quite successful, but if he performs unsuccessfully, his self-image immediately collapses. He experiences this not as a mistake, but as something that characterizes him (“I’m a loser”). Self-worth has to be confirmed again and again.
What to do
Don’t forget what you are good at. What are your skills and abilities? If it seems to you that you do not know anything, believe me, this does not happen. Remember what you do well, for which you are usually praised and thanked by others. These can be the simplest things – for example, the ability to arrive on time, to carry out assignments responsibly.
Keep your interests in focus. Remember what fascinated you as a child. What do you like to do now? Write down everything that interests you. Look at this list periodically and, if possible, implement items from it into life.
About the Developer
Irina Parfenova — a practicing psychologist with 10 years of experience, a Gestalt therapist, a specialist in the field of crises and traumas. In my free webinar Irina tells how to work through maternal trauma and free herself from the ghosts of the past. On the course “What we are silent about with my mother”, with the participation of Irina, you can also work out each of the described scenarios.