5 rules of true self-care

There has been a lot of talk lately about taking care of yourself. On TV, in social networks, at seminars and trainings they teach how to do it. Sometimes for big money. As a result, the concept of self-care is misunderstood. And the reason for this is a misinterpretation of the idea itself, says clinical psychologist Alice Boyes. She offers to dispel the myths associated with this concept, and figure out when we are actually attentive to ourselves, and when we are simply indulging our own selfishness.

1. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean indulging in “sweets” and making indulgences.

We mistakenly take only numerous face masks, massages, buying gifts and goodies for taking care of ourselves. Sometimes we need just that. But not always. As a rule, the real concern is to force yourself to go to the dentist, buy new and addictive sneakers to replace worn-out but fit like a glove, spend extra money for lunch, or walk past the nearest fast food to where you can eat a normal soup or salad.

2. It doesn’t mean putting your own needs ahead of the needs of others.

Taking care of yourself does not mean neglecting the needs of others. We have all probably met people who, taking care of themselves, dictate their terms, put pressure on others and throw off their affairs on them. This happens in the workplace, and in the family, and in the company of friends.

But our fatigue is no reason to shift our work onto the shoulders of another tired and overworked colleague. We have no right to say: “I will not come to the pediatrician at the time I signed up for, because I do not want to wake the child. We have our schedule.» And come when it is convenient for us, violating the order of priority and causing inconvenience to other children and parents.

Sometimes such love about yourself is associated with a conflict of interest. But ideally, of course, it should not create difficulties for other people, according to Boyes. And if someone constantly interferes with us, it’s time to think about whether we understand the word «care» correctly.

“Think of forms that benefit both you and those around you. For example, spend more time in nature with your children, read books to them before bedtime, arrange small parties at home — for example, cook Sunday dinner together. If you need to calm down, slow down, loved ones will help you with this,” recommends Alice Boyes.

3. Taking care of yourself does not mean following a clear script.

Let’s say you need to get a new document: a work pass. You are dragging out the third week because you want to look flawless in the photo, and you won’t get to the photographer in any way. What will be the manifestation of care? Take a beautiful photo or get the right document on time?

None of these options can be considered better or worse. It all depends on the situation, on what is more important at the moment. You need a beautiful photo, despite the fact that no one will admire the face on the pass. Then it will be more important to go and take a picture the way you want. Or is the peace in the team more important for you. Then it’s better to choose a more or less decent picture and quickly pick up the pass.

Self-care often involves self-knowledge and psychological flexibility, the ability to choose the option that is best for you in a given situation.

4. It means accepting and regretting

Numerous studies support the importance of self-compassion. In a broad sense, self-compassion is the recognition of our right to be who we are: funny, embarrassed, offended. Recognition that our emotions are part of a universal experience. For example, someone who knows how to sympathize with himself understands that everyone sometimes experiences guilt, and not just him, that this is normal.

A developed skill of self-attention helps to realize that fear, pain, hatred, anger are natural, they provide an opportunity to think about how to move forward and not give up. Taking care of ourselves, we try to get rid of obsessive thoughts, do not let perfectionism develop into inaction and self-sabotage.

5. It means connecting with close and interesting people.

According to the author, one of the most important manifestations of attention to oneself is in difficult situations to strive for communication, and not for isolation. And this applies even to introverts.

Taking care of yourself is often seen as something purely individual — sitting in pajamas with a mask on your face or meditating. But even if a person is a loner by nature, he needs communication, especially in a stressful situation. Sometimes there is nothing better than opening up to a close friend or relative and asking for support, reconnecting with a significant person after a long break, or having a face-to-face, live conversation with pleasant online interlocutors.

You can find such forms of communication that will be acceptable for you. For example, a one-on-one conversation with someone you like. Or group sports that give a sense of belonging, involvement in a common cause.

Sometimes the most appropriate concern is solitude, for example, after a hectic day. But Alice Boyes urges even introverts and anyone who values ​​emotional self-sufficiency not to lose sight of the benefits of socializing.

Don’t buy into the pretty commercial «self-care» options. They come down to body care or pseudo-spiritual practices. When we are deceived, we lose sight of the most useful and accessible forms of true self-love.

About the Author: Alice Boyes is a clinical psychologist and author of Coping with Anxiety.