Contents
We are glad to welcome you, dear readers! Many dream of beautiful love since childhood, but growing up, they are disappointed. What seemed to be able to give endless happiness, in fact, sometimes we cause a lot of pain.
And without understanding the reasons for the failures, one might think that the one or the same one simply did not meet. But in fact, everything is easier. Sometimes we make mistakes, quite unconsciously, because of which it does not come out to feel, to notice that there is exactly the one with whom you can live happily ever after.
And so today we will talk about how to build a harmonious relationship between a man and a woman.
What comes after falling in love?
Have you noticed that at the initial stage of a relationship, it seems as if you were in a fairy tale, as you managed to meet an unreal, ideal, special and the best person in the world.
Do you know why this happens? It’s all about hormones that are actively beginning to be produced and literally «bewitch». So conceived by nature, so that a person multiplies and continues his kind.
This period of falling in love lasts approximately 2,5 to 3 years. During this time, the couple manages to get close enough that they decide to start a family.
Then comes the phase when we begin to notice a real partner. The body stops producing large amounts of dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, oxytocin, endorphins and other hormones that contribute to a feeling of happiness and serenity.
The image is destroyed, and with it the illusion of exclusivity, ideality. It is at this moment that thoughts arise that the beloved has changed, turned out to be different from what he seemed, and so on.
Rules and principles
There is no one scheme that is ideal for everyone. Since each person is absolutely unique, so it is with the couple that he creates. But there are principles, following which, you will increase the chance of creating a real healthy and happy relationship.
Mindfulness
It happens that falling in love, people literally «dissolve into each other.» They have common interests, tastes, desires. And if at first it allows you to become closer, to form attachment, then over time it causes fear and despair from the thought that you have lost yourself.
Often those who sacrifice their desires for the needs of the chosen one become so similar to him that they simply cause irritation and boredom.
When I don’t know what I want, but focus mainly on the other, then I will experience horror at the thought that I will lose him. Because then I’ll lose myself. As well as anger that now I’m addicted. And this anger can manifest itself completely unconsciously, in small things that will gradually destroy the union.
The Eastern philosopher, Omar Khayyam, wrote rubaiyat on this topic:
Love came — gone, as if the blood from the veins
Completely devastated — I’m full of who I lived.
Beloved gave away all of myself to the crumbs,
Everything, except for the name, became the one he loved.
Therefore, it is important to always keep track of your feelings. Listen to your desires. Be aware of what is happening to you at different moments.
Unfortunately, mindfulness is not taught in schools or universities. We know the rules of behavior in public places, mathematical formulas and foreign languages. But sometimes we are unable to answer the question of what we want and what we really are.
So, while in confluence, keep the balance. You should not give up everything that you loved before just because your wife or husband does not share the tastes. Unless, of course, they do not contradict your views on family life.
Let’s say he doesn’t like shopping. Then go there with your friends, giving him free space for your joys.
Responsibility
It is important to remember the rule that in any relationship, the responsibility lies with both partners. Regardless of who and how behaves. Let’s say your wife cheated. Yes, she acted, to put it mildly, not well, especially if there was an agreement on the observance of fidelity. But you can’t blame her alone.
No matter how strange this statement may seem, but the husband is also responsible for what happened. Maybe he didn’t want to admit that his beloved was not capable of fidelity, or a crisis had come in their marriage for a long time, as a result of which many needs were bare, not realized.
Or, a woman, getting married, turned a blind eye to the need of her man to drink at least a little alcohol every day to relax. She came up with excuses for herself that he had a hard job, so it was important to relax, and he drinks quite a bit. In general, anything to calm down and not worry.
But when the action of hormones subsided, it became necessary to admit the truth that the husband, it turns out, has an alcohol addiction. And then who is to blame? It is unfair to blame only him for having a weakness. Much has been done to ignore it.
Therefore, in any quarrel, you should not throw all the stones at your partner. Remember, the responsibility for what happens in your couple is 50 percent on you, and the remaining 50 on the chosen one.
And if something is not going the way you would like, ask yourself questions about how you contributed to what happened. What elections led to what is at the moment. And what can you do to improve the situation.
Contact
Tell me how to create intimacy when partners, instead of clarifying what they don’t like and upset, prefer to be offended and avoid contact? And I will answer: «Very difficult.»
Learn to ask each other, to express your feelings. And do not expect that a loved one is obliged to do something or guess how you like it.
Resentment and silence is a manipulation that destroys what has been created. And it does not cause a desire to get better as soon as possible, but rage.
To create harmony, do not interrupt contact. Learn to stay and be around, no matter how difficult the conversation is.
Adoption
Happy are those people who can afford to relax and be sincere next to another. When you don’t have to pretend and play a role. It is not for nothing that the house is considered its fortress, that safe space where you can take off your armor and take a break from the battles for success and so on.
And if they don’t want to see you as real, will you feel calm? Unlikely. Non-acceptance is manifested in the requirements to be what you want to see. In the prohibition to experience any feelings, to do what you like.
Usually, someone who is cruel enough to himself and does not have inner freedom cannot accept a loved one as real. And only focuses on invented images, ideals.
Compatibility
Remember, we said that the responsibility lies with both spouses? In the same way, in order to develop and overcome crises, the participation of two is necessary. If one person has given up or for some reason does not invest energy in actions that can save the marriage, improve it, then there will hardly be favorable prospects ahead.
Therefore, it is important to make joint efforts, and not expect that the chosen one himself will be able to correct the situation.
Methods
List
A lot of disagreements occur due to the fact that we really sometimes do not know with whom exactly we have connected our lives. At this point, it can be objected that the partner himself does not know himself better than you do. But is it?
Love is the ability to notice and accept a partner as he is. Here you can list everything that can please your loved one? What about upset? Cause sadness, tenderness or anger?
In general, host at least once a month an evening of intimacy and sincerity. Prepare in advance your favorite goodies, drinks. Avoid alcohol, so that rapprochement does not turn into a showdown due to the inability to adequately perceive information.
Give yourself the floor to listen to the chosen one to the end, without interrupting or getting personal, reminding that he also does other things.
Your goal is to find out what is really going on with your loved one in response to some of your words and actions. And not to hear what you like.
Take a sheet and divide it into two parts. In one write what you like, and in the second what you don’t. Just build sentences, focusing on “I-statements”.
That is, instead of saying: “You upset me when you come home from work and don’t kiss,” it’s better to say: “I get upset when you come home from work and forget to kiss me.” And even better: «I feel tenderness and joy when you kiss me when you come home.»
If you don’t want to mess with the list, do this exercise verbally. Speaking in turn. The result is a sincere, honest conversation.
Traditions
Rituals and traditions are the foundation, the framework of the family, which will stand up in difficult times, preventing it from collapsing. Or when it seems that there is nothing left in common between you. That nothing will surprise you anymore, since you know absolutely every step of your spouse.
So, you need to get creative with this task. Most often, it is women who take the initiative in their own hands and come up with actions that create a cozy atmosphere in the house. Search the Internet for inspiration, think for yourself what needs are not being met in your family, and start planning.
For example, declare this week a week of gratitude. So say thank you to all family members for every little thing they do. The next seven days will be held under the motto: «Silence instead of criticism.» When you feel like inserting a negative comment about your spouse’s actions, hold back and remain silent.
Go to the cinema, theater, exhibitions, make dumplings on the weekends, remembering funny stories from your life together.
No matter the circumstances, take a candle bath together every Sunday, cook each other breakfast in bed, and give each other a massage.
In general, create each of your days from pleasant moments in order to become closer to each other.
touch
How to build a strong family? Touch your loved one more often. Tactile contact promotes the production of oxytocin. With the help of which we feel tenderness, affection, love and spiritual intimacy.
Hugs help to relax, feel safe, get support and understanding that you are not alone, there is someone who is ready to be there.
Touching doesn’t have to be sexual in order to be pleasurable. Help your beloved wash your hair, help your husband shave, hold hands in a public place. In general, remember how it was at the beginning of a relationship, when you fell asleep only in an embrace and touched each other at every opportunity.
Completion
No one is immune from mistakes, when we love — we become vulnerable. And the one who is afraid of pain is unable to open up and trust. It breaks the harmony.
And that’s all for today, dear readers! Love each other and be happy!
We also recommend reading an article about the existence of friendship between a man and a woman. In it, we will find out if such friendship even exists?
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina