5 Repulsive Strategies Jealous People Use

Jealousy hurts both the one who is jealous and the one who is jealous. Trying to cope with our own anxiety, to reduce the intensity of experiences, we come up with strange, not always logical strategies. It may seem that they help us, but in reality these methods do not work.

1. We try to play it safe with the help of relationships on the side

Irina is married, and she also has a lover. She is insanely jealous of her husband Andrei, and the relationship with her colleague Igor helps her reduce her anxiety. It’s as if she compares her account with her husband’s in advance … Irina is reinsured: “If Andrei decides to leave me, it won’t hurt me so much, because I was the first to cheat on him.” Psychologist Robert Leahy is sure that this strategy is unprofitable for us from all sides: most likely, both those and other relationships have no prospects.

“By distancing yourself and becoming secretive, you lose intimacy with your current partner,” Leahy writes.

He encourages you to honestly answer yourself the question: how will this strategy make things easier if you are caught in a lie and you turn out to be the very person who deceives your partner? Yes, for a while you can increase your self-esteem, and in the event of a breakup, you will lose less than you could. But it is unlikely that cheating on a partner you are jealous of will help you improve the quality of your relationship.

2. We try to make our partner jealous.

Oleg is not sure that Katya has serious feelings for him. To find out if this is so, he deliberately flirts with her friends when they come to visit them. It seems to Oleg that only Katina’s anger about this confirms that she is really interested in him … Robert Leahy warns: we can throw out the baby along with the water. If we regularly give our partner reasons for jealousy, he can not only love us even more, but, on the contrary, stop loving us at all.

“The partner will decide that she cannot trust you, and will begin to distance herself or even threaten to break up. A partner may perceive your behavior as overtly manipulative and offensive, and then turn the situation around by doing what you are most afraid of: breaking off the relationship, ”the psychologist describes the likely scenarios.

3. We try to control the partner

Alla knew that for Peter there is nothing more important than family. And therefore, when he began to move away from his wife, she immediately warned: “If you cheat on me, I will divorce, move and will not let you communicate with children.” Alla has dual citizenship, and Peter knows that she can really do this. She reads his phone, demands reports on where and with whom he was. Peter continues to love his wife, but is increasingly angry with her. He is tired of proving that he does not change.

Robert Leahy warns that it is impossible to control a partner for a long time and at the same time remain in a warm relationship with him. “Although this strategy gives the feeling that you are on the way to what you want, it can further alienate your partner. He will want to break up with you – not because of a rival, but because he does not want you to control and threaten him.

Sooner or later, the partner will begin to distance himself, or even leave altogether, because relationships built on control and manipulation cannot be called healthy. And for someone who is jealous, this strategy is harmful: it supports “your suspicion and anxiety, because you are trying to control the uncontrollable,” the psychologist warns.

4. We are looking for evidence

Anatoly is sure: Inna is cheating on him, it remains only to understand where this is happening, with whom and when exactly. He is looking for confirmation of his guess by sniffing Inna’s clothes and studying the data of the navigator on her car. However, no matter what he finds and no matter what explanations he receives from Inna, he does not calm down. Even if she shows him checks from gas stations where she stopped by on her way to work, even if she gives him the same cologne that smelled like the sleeve of her raincoat, this does not convince Anatoly that his wife is faithful.

“The disadvantage of this strategy is that you start with the assumption of infidelity, and then try to prove your case,” explains Robert Leahy.

Initially, your premise is erroneous, but any, even the most insignificant events and objects can “confirm” it. The search for evidence does not bring relief to the jealous, but it exacerbates the alienation in the couple.

5. We humiliate the opponent in absentia

Mikhail has a new employee, Galina, and Mila finds no place for herself. She has already studied her profiles on social networks and daily starts talking with her husband about how stupid, mediocre and unsympathetic Galina is. Michael is very annoyed by these conversations.

“By putting down the person you think you are competing with, you are hoping to show your partner that they will be better off with you,” says Robert Leahy.

But the more nasty things you say about a stranger, the more likely your partner will disagree with you – and this will only add to the jealousy. If you act in this way, your partner may find your behavior not only unreasonable, but also hostile. At some point, he may start to defend himself. Judge for yourself: how would you behave if your loved one attacked a person who did nothing wrong?

There are other strategies for the behavior of jealous people, which not only do not improve the situation, but also scare away partners. The truth is that pathological jealousy can only be overcome through long and painstaking work on yourself and your own relationships. In this work, we will need a lot of courage and the ability to recognize our own vulnerability. And the methods described above work to once again avoid an honest conversation with yourself.

A complete list of them, as well as a detailed guide to dealing with jealousy, can be found in Robert Leahy’s book Jealousy. How to live with her and maintain relationships ”(Peter Publishing House, 2020).