Do you want a big family and many children? Are you sure this is what you need? Perhaps behind the desire to have another child lies another unfulfilled dream?
My path from dreaming of a child to refusing to give birth again was not easy, but as a result, I consciously approached this issue. I am the eldest of three children. And I always thought that I would also have three. But when she got married, she faced a problem — infertility.
10 years of marriage trying to get pregnant. Many tears were shed, dozens of thresholds were upholstered, many procedures were carried out, but after 7 years of futile attempts, my husband and I decided on IVF. However, the first attempt was unsuccessful. I burst into tears, but my husband’s phrase: “We will try until we succeed” brought me to my senses, gave me hope.
That year after IVF proved to be a turning point. Many important decisions were made. One of them is to quit the university and take care of yourself. Although I was preparing to write my doctoral dissertation in economics, the failure of motherhood was a sign to me that change was needed. I left my career at the university. And a year after that I saw those same two strips on the test.
At first I didn’t believe it. So many years to wait and it’s so easy to see it. The pregnancy went smoothly. Our son Alexander was born. Now he is 6 years old. After another 3 years, daughter Katyusha was born. Looking at them, I feel the infinity of love. With the birth of children, a whole range of new feelings was born in me, but at the same time feelings, responsibility, guilt.
It was during the period of maternity leave that I saw new abilities, interests in myself and radically changed the field of activity. So, at the age of 32, I became a psychologist to help other women cope with similar problems in marriage, gain faith in themselves and their dreams.
My children discovered something in me that had not been known before. Life has taken a very different turn. I began to conduct courses for women, actively work in social networks, and give consultations. Children were my dream, which came true. At the same time, I had enough for 1,5 years of maternity leave with my first child and a year with my second. When I realized that I could no longer stay at home, I found a nanny and started working online. It is impossible to endure when a lot of ideas are bursting inside you. Inaction breeds anxiety. Children begin to feel this and return it to you in the form of whims, illnesses, fears.
I decided that I would implement my plans. I will become calmer and happier myself, which means the children too. One dream has come true, it’s time for the next. So I decided — two children are enough for me.
I made several decisions before abandoning the idea of having another child.
1. I realized the true reasons for my desire. After all, my dream has already come true. Now I rather need not a child as such, but the anticipation of a miracle, the care of loved ones, the attention that I received during pregnancy. And I decided that all these wonderful feelings and emotions can be obtained in other ways.
2. I realized that in the presence of children I can’t concentrate on business. Perhaps there are mothers who can sit a small child in front of the TV for several hours. I can’t do that. If the children are with me, I want to give them time, read, play, take a walk. At the same time, my tasks for clients do not go anywhere. Important and urgent has not been canceled. And from the fact that you have to be torn apart, there is tension and dissatisfaction with yourself.
The mere thought that the children in the next room have been watching cartoons for a long time is enough to cause anxiety. You have to choose, alternate, throw things, then children. When the children went back to kindergarten, I exhaled. Because I knew exactly what they were doing there, they eat, sleep, play on time. And our evenings have become more fun and productive than in quarantine.
I have always been a very anxious mother, given the long road to motherhood. Emotion and thought management skills have helped me become calm and confident. At the same time, I did not relieve myself of the tasks of my mother. I teach and develop children, and up to a year I did it myself. Then I entrusted the process to the garden and the nanny. This is awareness in relation to oneself and children.
3. Didn’t want to get used to the new role. My husband and I just recently felt a new breath in our relationship. Children have grown up, they can cope with simple tasks on their own, we have the opportunity to stay together more often. Communication has become more diverse. The passion is back.
After all, when children are very small, the head is filled only with thoughts about them. There is no place for her husband. You live according to different schedules, in the eternal bustle you cannot devote time to each other. I realized that I want to enjoy relationships, travel, business trips. Sometimes I just want to watch from the side how children play.
4. I decided to give all my attention to my daughter and son. My eldest son needs to be taken care of. It’s not his fault that he has a sister. But he has to share me with her. On the one hand, this leads older children to rapid maturation and independence. On the other hand, at the age of 6 he is still quite a child and sometimes wants to be alone with me. I try to organize everything in such a way that I can devote time to each of the children.
5. Found a way to help society, not only giving birth. When you understand that you can be useful to people, the need to be realized only through a child disappears. Moreover, it can even harm both mother and children. After all, lack of fulfillment breeds anger.
In the process of psychological work with women, I have identified one phenomenon: when a woman wants to give birth to a second, third and subsequent children, she simply does not know how else to throw out her enormous creative potential. He does not realize, does not fully understand himself and decides to give birth, because it used to work.
During my practice, I have repeatedly met women, successful and creative, who had a burning desire to give birth again. But they couldn’t and regretted it. I advised them and now I advise you: change your dreams. Don’t hold on to desires that have already been fulfilled once or twice. Create in the profession, and then it will be easier to give up the desire to give birth again and again. Because you won’t have enough.
The exception is women who choose a calling for themselves — to be a mother, and devote all their time to children and home. As far as this is an honest decision in relation to oneself, everyone will answer for himself. For myself, I decided a long time ago that I would not be an example of self-sacrifice for children, it would be better for me to show them how to make dreams come true.