Contents
Breaking up with a partner doesn’t always go smoothly. And even if the relationship is long over, it can be difficult to let go of the situation. What traps prevent you from coping with feelings and opening up to new experiences?
Many people know firsthand how painful it can be to part with a partner. Even if we follow the advice of experts, restoring peace of mind can take much longer than we thought. Unfortunately, there is no formula to help you calculate how long it will take you to get through a painful breakup.
The results of a study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology show that three months is enough for most people to forget their ex. But according to other data, a year and a half is the minimum time to recover. These figures are just statistics that are unlikely to help determine exactly how much time is needed in your case.
Recovery from a difficult breakup can take anywhere from a few months to a few years. Whether it was a short romance or a long relationship, it doesn’t matter. How quickly we will have time to recover depends on us. What prevents you from letting go of the situation and how to quickly cope with experiences?
1. You are pessimistic and exaggerate the scale of the tragedy.
We tend to exaggerate the negative consequences of breaking up, which only exacerbates the emotional state. For example, we convince ourselves that the former partner was the only one and is no longer destined to find happiness.
Pessimistic thoughts paralyze the mind, making it helpless and unhappy. They make it difficult to overcome traumatic experiences and let go of the past. Patients prone to exaggeration respond less well to treatment for depression and other psychiatric disorders.
Tip: try to think less about the bad, dream and reflect on the new opportunities that await.
2. You self-flagellate
We often blame ourselves for what happened and try to figure out where we made mistakes and what should have been done differently.
Such thoughts harm the psyche, explains the bestselling author of Life Goes On! (“Life’s in Session!”) Robin H.C.: “Misjudgments are stored in the memory and become part of the personality. We substitute the facts with our own point of view and cannot adequately judge what happened between us and the former partner.
If we constantly imagine a hypothetical relationship development, it will be difficult to bridge the gap and use it as a useful experience for personal growth.
Tip: stop tormenting yourself with thoughts “What did I do wrong and could it be fixed”.
3. You refuse to accept that it’s over.
To let go of a past relationship, you need to want to do it, says relationship expert Kevin Darne. In reality, many hope for reconciliation.
«We’re programmed in romance novels and Hollywood movies to view separation as a stepping stone to a happy future together,» says Darne. “Everyone loves stories in which partners return to each other after breakups and emotional upheavals.”
But dreaming of reconciliation, we only aggravate the condition and close ourselves off from new acquaintances.
Tip: leave old relationships in the past, limit communication or casual meetings, stop following on social networks.
4. You lost yourself in relationships
If we have lived with a person for many years, after parting we experience an identity crisis. Who am I without a partner?
Psychology professor and relationship expert Gary Lewandowski notes that after the breakup of a long-term relationship, it is more difficult for people to answer the question “who am I?”. They are insecure about their identity, unable to understand who they really are.
Tip: pick up new hobbies, do things you haven’t tried before. This will help you rediscover yourself.
5. You are not ready to admit your mistakes.
Friends are essential for healing after a painful breakup. In a difficult situation, it is important to find a person who is ready to support and patiently listen. But sooner or later, a friend may say something that we do not want to hear (point out mistakes or question the logic of our arguments).
Critical remarks sound unpleasant, but the unwillingness to admit the truth can play a cruel joke on us. “This not only makes it difficult to cope with the pain of separation, but also programs for the same mistakes in future relationships,” says family therapist Sara Stanizai.
Tip: be curious about the opinion with which you do not yet agree.