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We do not always meet with a partner the understanding and support we need, and sometimes we feel very lonely. Psychotherapist Esther Perel suggests thinking about five questions to understand why this is happening.
“I get almost no sympathy from my friend,” complains 30-year-old Anna. “If I take a step towards him, he immediately takes a step away from me.” This problem is not uncommon in couples. “How to develop a sexual relationship if my partner is not interested in intimacy?” asks Gabriella, 44. It often happens that one seeks greater intimacy, while the other moves away. This is such a typical situation that psychotherapists have come up with a name for two types of partners.
One pursues, the other withdraws
The partner who is more committed to trust, openness, and bonding is called a “pursuer” by psychologists. The second, who wants to maintain a distance, needs personal space and autonomy, are called “distancers” or “distancers”.
In the examples above, Anna and Gabriella are “pursuing” and their male partners are “withdrawing.” But it can be the other way around, when a man needs warmth, which a woman in a couple is not ready to provide.
The task is to figure out if the reasons for cooling are related to your relationship or to some personal problems of your partner.
The stalking partner feels that he and his efforts to maintain and develop the relationship are not appreciated, explains psychotherapist Esther Perel. He or she experiences loneliness, “and this can lead to an increase in negative emotions such as feelings of rejection, shame about one’s desire for intimacy, decreased self-esteem, lack of love.”
And if at first it may seem that only one suffers from this, then in the future the development of the situation will lead to the fact that the second partner will begin to feel guilty, consider himself incapable of deep affection and intimacy.
How to start a conversation
If, despite the misunderstanding, your relationship is strong and there is a desire to maintain it, the therapist recommends discussing the situation. The purpose of the conversation is to talk about your experiences, and not blame your partner. Therefore, Esther Perel suggests that the conversation should go something like this:
“I fully understand that now our views and moods do not coincide. We feel differently. But it is very important for me to know that you care about me and my feelings are not indifferent to you, that you sympathize with me and do not move away. I don’t demand that you want the same thing that I do. But it is important for me to know that you are interested, what I want.
5 questions to understand the situation
If you want more intimacy with your partner and they don’t, these questions will help you prepare for that conversation.
- What is happening to us right now?
- What is holding us back, preventing our relations from developing?
- What can we do together to change this?
- What can I do for you so that each of us gets what he needs?
- What happens in our sex life?
Try to understand the reasons
Your task is to figure out whether the reasons for the cooling are connected with your relationship or with some personal problems of your partner. In the first case, it is important to discuss this as described above. In the second case, he or she must take responsibility for their circumstances and do something about it. All that remains for you is to actively engage in your own life and help your partner to the extent that it is in your power.
About the expert: Esther Perel is a psychotherapist, an expert in the field of cultural and social stereotypes that affect relationships in a couple.