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“Think before you speak,” we were taught as children. And although this advice terribly annoyed many, it is worth listening to it even now, years later. What exactly do you need to think about before sharing your valuable opinion with others?
Too often we say something automatically without thinking about the consequences, and as a result, we embarrass ourselves or even hurt others. Is it possible to avoid such situations? Yes, if you ask yourself these 5 questions before you start talking:
1. Should I say it right now?
Unfortunately, in the midst of a conflict or in a stressful situation, we begin to think worse, and our communication skills generally deteriorate. Therefore, if emotions are running high, it is better to slow down and ask yourself – will I make it worse if I speak out now? In order not to aggravate the situation, it is worth suggesting to the interlocutor: “Let’s talk about this a little later, when the emotions subside and I will think better.”
2. Will the interlocutor be able to apply the knowledge received from me?
Let’s say you know exactly what your counterpart should do. But before you give him advice, ask yourself if he can put it into practice. If you’re not sure, it’s best to keep quiet. Or tell the interlocutor that you need time – you will think about his situation and only then try to offer solutions.
3. What does a person have to go through now?
Denise Young Smith, former Apple vice president of workforce diversity, reminds us that we all have ups and downs in our personal or professional lives that others don’t know about. Perhaps your counterpart is going through something similar now, and behind the “little thing” that upset him so much, there is something more global and serious.
It is especially important to understand this before, for example, reprimanding a subordinate or colleague. Perhaps the person missed the deadline not because of his own negligence and incompetence, but because trouble happened in his family. Remind yourself that you may not see the whole picture, and try to take that into account.
4. Will my words calm the interlocutor or will they only increase his stress?
The beginning of the pandemic in 2020, the writer Elizabeth Gilbert met in Australia. Dreaming of getting home to the United States faster, she wrote to friends: “We need to get a ticket and get out of here as soon as possible, before sheer horror and chaos begin here!” After some thought, she deleted the messages and wrote more calmly: “Hi, I got tickets and will be back home early.”
The next time you’re seriously worried about something, remember Gilbert’s lesson and decide whether to exaggerate and get into drama. Each of us is free to choose what to do – to sow panic or inspire confidence and calmness in others.
5. What else can I learn if I just keep listening?
We often feel that we owe something to the interlocutor, for example, express our opinion or share a story in response, as soon as he finishes. But in a long-term, deep, and intimate relationship, it’s more important to listen carefully and try to understand how the other person is feeling.
We are used to filling pauses, chatting incessantly, simply because we are afraid of silence. But perhaps now is the time to look your fear in the eye and next time just keep silent – if only in order to think carefully about the answer and give more practical and useful advice.