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When we decide to get back together with an ex after a breakup, we usually think that things will be better this time around. But in reality, the opposite often happens. Why? Is it possible to achieve happiness on the second try with the same partner?
Such people cannot part for a long time, although they are always dissatisfied with their union. The case when both together it is bad, and separately it is impossible. An example of such a relationship is the Hollywood saga of Richard Burton and Liz Taylor, which was followed by the whole world. They were married twice, the first marriage lasted a long time – ten years. The second time they did not last even a year.
American psychologists became interested in couples who first break up and then come together again, and came to the conclusion that if partners do not try to change their previous scenarios, then satisfaction and obligations to each other gradually weaken, the quality of the relationship suffers, and as a result, anxiety and depression arise. . “People think things are going to be better this time around, but unless things really change after a fresh start, disappointment is inevitable,” said researcher Cale Monk.
A team of psychologists interviewed 545 adults about their relationships in such couples. It turned out that partners were more likely to show symptoms of depression or anxiety and were more likely to report violence than those who did not return to their ex. Therefore, Monk does not recommend “automatically” resuming the old relationship.
Are obligations and conveniences at the heart of the desire to be together?
Partners should ask themselves a number of questions. For example, why they ended the relationship and whether things could really be different this time around. “Having a straight talk about the reasons for the breakup can be helpful, especially if there’s a chance the same problems will reappear.” And if a relationship stops being interdependent or complementary, you shouldn’t feel guilty just because you think about your own well-being first.
“Ask yourself why you want to be with this person again,” Monk suggests. “Does this desire come from commitment and positive feelings, or does it outweigh commitment and convenience?” The second option is more likely to lead to disappointment, re-rupture and pain.
What other questions do psychologists recommend asking yourself before giving in to the urge to get back with your ex?
1. “What kind of person was I with my ex-partner and what am I now, without him?”
Listen to yourself and try to understand how you felt around your ex. Not when you just started dating and everything was new and exciting, but in the months leading up to your breakup. What kind of person were you, whom did you see in the mirror? What are you today?
“Before parting, I felt like a wreck for several months,” recalls 36-year-old David. I thought I had a stomach ulcer. My whole body seemed to rebel. I have invested a lot in our relationship so that they are happy, I have completely subordinated my needs to this task. At some point, I stopped understanding what I want myself. Today, everything is different: I am all in myself, I say and do what makes me feel good. Despite the fact that I loved my girlfriend, I love myself today more and do not want to return to the old relationship patterns.
2. “Why did we break up?”
There are a lot of reasons for breaking up: betrayal, a mismatch in life goals, bad habits of one of the partners, “incompatible with life” in a couple, and so on and so forth. Remember why you broke up. Think about the details – perhaps you still have a list of all the pros and cons in your head. What was on the cons list? How do you rate them today?
3. “Why do I want to ‘reboot’?”
As important as it is to remember the reasons for the breakup, it is just as important to be aware of the reasons for resetting the relationship. Maybe you are lonely, you miss the relationship in principle and the familiar sense of security? Or was it really true love put on hold?
“I often thought about the reboot when I went on vacation,” says 34-year-old Anna. – It was a real addiction, and I still sometimes think about the former. But, looking deep inside myself, I realized: yes, at that moment on the seashore I missed him and dreamed that he was there, but I definitely would not want him to be with me all the rest of the time. This was clearly not enough to restart our relationship.”
4. “How do I feel when I think about him/her?”
Anger, disappointment, longing, grief, misunderstanding – or is it still love? What positive and negative feelings outweigh when you think of him or her? It is unlikely that the foam will settle by itself, and if you are overwhelmed with anger and resentment, is it worth returning to their source?
5. “Can I forget everything that happened and start from scratch?”
Starting over with an ex means starting over together by pressing the “Reset” button. But it also means leaving the past in the past. To admit that then there were good reasons for the breakup, but is everything between you spoken out and sent to the scrap? Hidden accusations, doubts and distrust are unlikely to be a good basis for a relationship. Can you leave behind all that was?
Why ask these questions? They will help you listen to your own feelings, and not to friends or relatives who tell scary stories about broken or restored relationships. Those who want and can be together always find each other. It is important that what caused the breakup is no longer on the agenda and both of you know for sure about it.
At the same time, it is worth remembering: there are people about whom it is not in vain that they say “the hunchbacked grave will fix it.” For some, manipulation and betrayal are in the order of things. So is it worth dooming yourself to the same experiences again? Go over the questions again and be as honest with yourself as possible.