At the very beginning of a relationship, we easily turn a blind eye to the misconduct of a partner, and for many things we are ready to find an excuse. But is it worth it to forgive? Maybe these actions show what the relationship will be like in the future?
“You can often hear from acquaintances something like: “You just met recently, why are you so worried? Give him/her time, see what happens next.” This is bad advice,” says psychiatrist and neurophysiologist Amir Levin.
Based on research and experience with patients, Levin argues that how a partner treats you at the beginning of a relationship can largely predict their behavior in the future.
He identified five basic qualities that form the foundation of any strong and happy relationship: constancy, availability, reliability, responsiveness and predictability.
All of them are closely related to each other and clearly contradict the popular (and misleading) notions that we need to pose as mysterious and inaccessible in order to attract the attention of a partner.
“It goes against all the common ideas about how we should behave in a relationship and what we should look for in a partner. Usually people try to find a partner with the same interests and similar education. But in my practice, I have found that in many couples, partners seem to have nothing in common – for example, they have opposing political views. But at the same time, they get along well, get along well and take great care of each other – because both have the same five qualities, ”explains Levin.
If you know what to pay attention to from the very beginning of a new romance, you can better “weed out” unsuitable partners, saving mental strength for those who really suit you.
The five qualities are directly related to attachment types. Your type of attachment determines how your relationships with loved ones are built. There are three types of attachment – secure, anxious, and avoidant. They differ in how comfortable a person is in closeness with another and how much he cares about the relationship with him.
Reliable attachment type: they usually relate to loved ones with warmth and love, emotional intimacy is comfortable for them, and they do not worry too much about the state of the relationship.
Anxious attachment type: they crave emotional intimacy, but constantly need support and reassurance. They are extremely sensitive to any potential threats to the relationship and may seem unnecessarily intrusive to partners.
Avoidant Attachment Type: they are uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, and in relationships they keep aloof. They value their independence so much that any reliance on a partner may seem to them a sign of weakness.
Being in a relationship with a secure attachment type can help you become more confident.
If the person you’re dating exhibits those five traits—calls when he promises, says bluntly that he likes you, doesn’t cancel or reschedule appointments—they most likely have a secure attachment type.
It is these people who treat their partners best, and they themselves are much more likely to be satisfied with the relationship.
“When my client starts dating someone with a secure type of attachment, things are very easy for them. They never have to guess when the next date will happen. They always know what’s going on in a relationship,” says Levin.
Being in a relationship with a secure attachment type can also help you become more confident and less anxious.
“In such relationships, there is always a coach who sees potential problems in advance and teaches the partner to be more confident,” explains Levin.
Even before the first meeting, you can assess whether your new acquaintance has these five qualities.
Let’s say you found someone on a dating app. You are trying to arrange a meeting, and your new acquaintance or acquaintance is not ready to say anything definite. In such a situation, Levin advises doing the “Test of Five Qualities.”
“You can say: I have a lot of things to do, but I would like to meet, I am free on Tuesday or Thursday next week. If this does not suit you, offer your own option, but let’s agree on a time, ”advises the psychologist.
From his or her reaction, you will be able to understand a lot about what kind of partner this person will be for you. “You made it clear what you expect. And the reaction of the interlocutor will tell a lot about him, ”says Levin.
If you expect your partner to exhibit the five qualities, you yourself must meet these standards.
If the reaction is positive, this means that the relationship has prospects. “In any relationship, both partners have to both take and give, and find compromises between the desires and needs of each other. And you have already checked how ready a new acquaintance is for this – even before the first meeting!
If the reaction turns out to be negative (or, worse, none at all), well, you’d better find out the truth about this person sooner rather than later.
It is important not to confuse the excitement that arises from the fact that the partner alternately shows warmth to you, then coldness (and this is the complete opposite of the five qualities), with true love. “In such cases, we may mistake anxiety for passion. In fact, it’s just fear – a very bad sign, ”explains Levin.
Of course, if you expect a new partner to exhibit the five qualities, you must meet those standards yourself. “That’s what confident people with secure attachment types do,” says Levin.
Source: Huffington Post