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Often we say words without thinking about how they can hurt the interlocutor. We share a selection of phrases that you should not say to anyone — and especially to your loved ones.
«I, too»
When you hear in your address: “I love you”, “I can’t wait to meet you” or “You look great today”, the response “Me too” (or, accordingly, “You too”) is perceived by the partner as being said automatically. One of my clients once shared: “I don’t want to be “me too”. This phrase is completely empty. I don’t feel like it’s really about me.»
I cannot but agree with him. If a loved one confesses their love, why not answer: “I am so happy that we are together and can say these words to each other”? It sounds sincere and direct.
«Take me for who I am»
Typically, the speaker wants to say: “I have difficult times when I am not in the mood to communicate, smile and joke, and I really need your support. It’s hard for me to think that you only want to be with me during the best periods of my life.” The person addressing this message can be understood.
However, others read a different meaning: «I intend to always behave the way I want, and if my attention is important to you, you will have to put up with it.» Of the 200 people I interviewed, 186 interpreted the phrase as such, regarding it as a negative message. One of the interviewees rightly noted that the speaker will receive a lot of support, confessing: «I sometimes feel really bad, and I would like you to try to understand me at such moments.»
«Otherwise I would have listened to this for the rest of my days»
It is usually implied that we did something good, but only because we were forced to. “For her arrival, I cleaned the apartment and bought flowers, otherwise I would have listened to the rest of my life what a pig I am.” The phrase is pronounced with irony, and the one who makes the speaker «will hear it for the rest of his days» can be a witness to the conversation.
These words are not so harmless and make the partner understand: he does not respect other people’s boundaries and a pleasant surprise was made not out of a desire to sincerely please him, but in response to blackmail. If you really believe that you are being manipulated, it is worth talking about it directly. Otherwise, your attention and care, wrapped in sarcasm, depreciate.
«Let’s see if the wife will allow»
By saying this even as a joke, you turn your wife into a police officer, urging listeners to be indulgent with her desire to control everything. It won’t bring you closer. All controversial issues should be resolved face to face. Why not instead say, “I’ll clarify. Perhaps we already have something planned?
In the phrase “It all depends on my “boss””, there is also an attempt to shift the responsibility for the decision to another. If at the last moment there will be laziness, you can blame your wife for everything.
«I didn’t ask you for this»
You cooked dinner for him and you were going to a meeting with your friends, expecting that on the way home he would pick up your dress from the dry cleaners. He forgot about it, and answered your reproach that it was not his duty. When you noticed that you gladly do a lot for him, although you don’t have to, he snapped: “I don’t ask you about it.” This is one of the most derogatory and cruel phrases, because it contains the message that you do not value the love and attention of the interlocutor.
If you uttered this phrase in your hearts, admit it as soon as possible and, without stinting on words, assure your loved one that he is dear to you.
About the Expert: Chris Armstrong is a coach, specialist in interpersonal and family relations.