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Children have little knowledge about life and the world, but they have faith in the unconditional authority of significant adults. Therefore, it is so important to keep track of what messages we bring to the child using certain phrases. After all, an accidentally spoken word can change his fate.
1. «It’s too early for you to know»
This phrase is a signal for the child that the topic is forbidden. Not all topics can be discussed with children at once, but to cut off the joy of learning with a radical go-ahead — “no, it’s too early” — means to prohibit natural curiosity. Namely, it allows you to build up new neural connections in adulthood and provide yourself with a lively, exciting life.
If you think that the topic is not suitable for age, try to look at the question more broadly. Choose the most general and simple wording, promise to return to the question later. Sometimes children’s curiosity is easier to satisfy than it seems at first glance.
2. «I decide here»
This phrase is a marker of a position of power. The child is highly dependent on adults, so trying to «crush» his resistance with authority is likely to work. But only in the short term. To build trust, it will be much more useful to explain what caused your decision and why you are making it.
Allow the child to ask questions that concern him instead of simply forbidding «by right of parenthood.» This will allow him in the future to approach with a share of healthy criticality the manifestation of the power position of other people, and not be shy in front of it.
3. «You’re a girl / boy»
Remarks like “don’t cry, you’re a boy”, “don’t make so much noise, you’re a girl” most often reflect the prejudices of society.
But contrary to popular belief that boys are born tough tin soldiers and girls are gentle fairies, all this is the result of socialization, including gender, where men and women are seen as two different planets and brought up accordingly, where each sex has its own set of restrictions.
But the truth is that a multifaceted and mentally healthy person grows up outside of stereotypical gender patterns and clichés. Both boys and girls should understand that expressing feelings is normal, feeling strong or weak is also normal, playing how you want and what you want is again normal. These are parts of healthy socialization.
If you limit the psycho-emotional sphere of the child with constant attachments to gender, this can lead to blocks on an emotional level, loss of contact with oneself and with one’s feelings in adulthood.
4. «Elders need to be obeyed»
It is not always easy to appease a restless child, and the phrase “you must obey your elders” sometimes becomes a lifesaver in working with disobedience. But such an attitude implies that the words of adults cannot be questioned. Any «senior» can use it and harm the child. The defenselessness and obedience of children can be taken advantage of by people who are in the gray zone.
Of course, you should not suspect a pedophile in every tutor, teacher or distant relative. But it is important to convey to the child that not all “elders” need to be listened to, and not in all situations. Just as you should not trust a stranger offering you candy, so you should not listen to a tutor if he offers something along the lines of “we won’t tell mom and dad about this, it will be our secret.”
Strictly speaking, the significant adults to listen to are the parents (with reservations, of course). In other cases, this phrase only brings up hierarchical thinking, in which age is equated with the reliability and virtue of actions, which is far from always the case in real life.
5. “The neighbor’s son is doing better.”
Don’t compare your child’s progress to other children’s. Building a child’s motivation through the example of “son / daughter of a mother’s friend” is a road to nowhere. Diagnosis of skills and abilities through the prism of comparison with other children leads to the fact that grown-up people will always feel not good enough, because there will always be someone who is better. And you can’t do anything about it.
It is another matter to compare the successes and results of today with the successes and results of yesterday. Celebrate the progress of the child, cultivate a calm attitude towards mistakes. A good test for the adequacy of a remark is to imagine if you could pronounce it to a person whom you consider your equal in status?
Children are in a subordinate position in relation to adults, but this is a temporary state of affairs. Their brains are being formed right here and now, and it is helpful to offer partnership, cooperation, and mutual respect.