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The term “codependency” is usually associated with the habit of turning a blind eye to other people’s vices, self-doubt, excessive attachment to someone who is addicted. In a sense, this is true, but often this word is used in a place and out of place, which gives rise to many false beliefs about the state itself.
The word “codependency” is consumed extremely actively today. However, what is actually hidden behind this concept, not many people understand. Let’s figure out who co-dependents are and dispel the misconceptions that have developed around the term.
Signs of codependency
What is codependency? If we talk about the concept as a whole, then this is a pathological condition characterized by emotional, social and even physical dependence on another person. All codependents have some common behavioral traits:
- They find it difficult to set personal boundaries and stand up for themselves.
- They constantly put the interests of others above their own.
- They indulge other people’s weaknesses, overly actively save others, solve their problems.
- Experiencing a painful need to be needed.
- They are afraid that the partner will leave, push away, remain dissatisfied.
- They suffer from low self-esteem, they are not left with a feeling of inferiority and insignificance.
- They lose their own “I”.
- They do not take care of themselves and neglect their personal needs.
- Suppress or diminish their emotions
- They feel guilty about things they can’t control.
- Take responsibility for other people’s actions and decisions.
- Anxious, worried and trying to control everything.
Let’s debunk the myths that have arisen in connection with the concept of “codependency”.
1. Everyone who helps others suffers from codependency.
People who are prone to codependency do care too much about others, but this alone does not give the right to draw unambiguous conclusions. For example, buying groceries for an elderly neighbor during a pandemic, or babysitting your nephews while your brother is interviewing, doesn’t mean you’re codependent.
Pathological care, as a rule, is expressed in excessive and sometimes unsolicited participation. Co-dependent people invest so much time and energy in caring for the welfare of others that they simply forget about their own needs.
Their unstoppable desire to help is just a way to feel needed and important. Even when caring for another exhausts and irritates them.
Independent care, on the other hand, has clear boundaries and is balanced by self-care. It is not shown with manic persistence in order to confirm its value or reduce the degree of anxiety. It is expressed in respectful and unobtrusive attention to people.
2. Only relatives of those suffering from alcoholism are co-dependent
Codependency develops not only in families that are faced with the problem of chemical dependence. Yes, that’s right, the concept itself was born as a result of trying to understand the psychology of women living with alcoholics. But over the years, experts have found that codependency occurs across a wide range of family histories—between spouses, parents and children, siblings, and even between friends.
It usually turns out that people who are prone to codependency grew up in families where drugs and alcohol were present, advanced mental illness, abuse or lack of love. But it also happens that those who were brought up by quite prosperous parents suffer from codependency.
3. Codependency has clear criteria
Codependency does not fit into the rigid framework of “either this or not.” It can manifest itself in everyone, to one degree or another. Some people have only a few signs, while others have many more.
In some cases, codependence creates serious problems, both for the person himself and for those around him, in others it does not (unless, of course, they try to deny it). Codependency is not a disorder, but a state of mind, so there can be no clear diagnostic criteria.
4. All codependents are weak
Codependent behavior is not a sign of weakness. Quite the contrary: such people are very strong, because they managed to survive in very difficult conditions. Codependency is a natural and legitimate response to trauma, hardship, neglect, or inconsistent parenting.
Codependency tends to develop as a defense mechanism. And although it may later become useless, at one time it served as the only way to cope with pain. Codependency is not your fault.
Sometimes such people think: “I need to get my spouse (child, parent) to stop drinking. If I was stronger (smarter, prettier) he would stop.” Such erroneous statements force you to blame yourself and try to control the uncontrollable.
5. Codependency is forever
Anyone who is determined to change will certainly recover from codependency. Everyone can learn to think and act differently. The process can be long, but people are able to change even long-established behavioral patterns.
Recognizing that you are codependent is the first step.
As soon as you realize that some thoughts and actions make you unhappy, pull you back and take away your strength, you will begin to change. Focus on your needs, try to understand who you are and what you want, and you can get out of the vicious circle of unhealthy relationships.
But first of all, it is necessary to get rid of the delusions associated with this painful condition.