5 main sources of self-confidence

We constantly throw the word “confidence” around, rarely even thinking about what meaning we put into it. Is it about self-confidence in social situations? Or is it self-confidence? Or are we talking about trust in others and faith in the future? Or the ability to perform in front of an audience?

It’s funny how psychologists rarely talk about confidence, preferring other terms like self-efficacy. This is understood as a person’s belief that he is able to achieve his goals, as well as that he is able to lead any situation to a positive outcome. If these definitions didn’t make your head clear, here’s an example from Wattie Piper’s children’s book The Engine That Could, about a blue engine trying to drive up a hill.

“Choo, choo, tu, tu,” puffed the Little Blue Engine. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.” “Cheers cheers!” – shouted a small funny clown, and behind him all the other dolls and toys. And Little Blue Engine smiled.

The repeated phrase “I think I can” conveys the mood of a confident person well. It is important to note that there is no “confidence skill”, confidence is a person’s belief that he will be able to successfully apply his skills under certain conditions. If you are sure that you can do something, this does not mean that you will actually do it (it’s more about “I can” than “I will”).

Confidence is not the expectation of a desired result, but the feeling that you are able to take actions that should bring this result. It is important to note that confidence is not a personality trait and is generally a narrower concept than self-esteem. It is limited to specific situations and contexts. It makes sense – your teenage son may be confident in his ability to solve complex math problems, but not at all confident with girls (much like mine).

To summarize, confidence is not just a feeling that everything will be fine, but the belief that you can succeed in some area if you really try. In other words, this is the ability to be yourself, to try yourself in any business, not being afraid to embarrass yourself in front of others and maintaining a positive attitude.

It is important to understand that your teenager’s motivation, emotional state, and actions depend more on what he believes than on objective reality (but, of course, self-belief does not need to be brought to an unrealistic level). If teenagers consider themselves confident, they will act, think and feel differently than if they do not consider themselves confident. We can say that they do not predict their future, but create it.

Research shows that confidence comes from five sources. Let’s look at each of them, in descending order of importance.

1. Direct experience

In fact, these are the goals that we have already achieved. For example, if we get good grades in math, we begin to believe that we can do well in that subject. If we perform well in a football match, scoring a couple of goals, we begin to believe that we can play football well.

2. Role models

These are the people we admire. They have the qualities and skills that we want to have. Their success motivates us, we usually try to acquire the same skills, knowledge and attitude as theirs. It is noteworthy that the more these people are similar to us (in terms of age, gender, biography, career), the more likely it is that their successes can add confidence to us.

3. Support and approval

It is important that other people believe in us and support us in our endeavors, this is especially helpful when we ourselves have respect for them. However, the support and approval of others gives a much smaller increase in confidence than personal experience and role models.

4. Emotions and experiences

Mood and response to stress play a big role. If we get too stressed out about trying something new, we will avoid it or do it poorly. By learning to better manage stress, we can also increase our confidence.

5. Imagination

By imagining how we will cope with future challenges (for example, if we have an oral or driving test), we can build confidence, and although this is much less effective than real experience, it can still come in handy.

By now, you probably understand that if we just try to instill confidence in a teenager (“Honey, girls will definitely like you”), the effect will be very small compared to the effect of real achievements. Confidence does not precede achievement, but rather follows it. Therefore, the best thing parents can do is to give the child to overcome difficulties to the limit of his abilities.

Perhaps your son or daughter will be very nervous at the school disco, but even one dance can give them much more confidence than all the parental words of encouragement. But what if there are no achievements to rely on yet? In this case, you can turn to your imagination (the fifth source of confidence). One way is to imagine the best possible version of yourself in the future.

Invite your teen to describe their own future by giving the following instruction: “Imagine that everything you hoped for came true, that you achieved everything that you wished for, and that you were able to reach your full potential. Try to imagine yourself as vividly as possible, describe this image in writing and continue to develop it for a few more weeks.

In a study with a control group, a similar exercise helped participants increase confidence and optimism and better understand their goals and priorities, which ultimately improved their quality of life. If your teen doesn’t like to write, help them express their image visually by drawing it on paper or in Photoshop. The main thing is that this image should look as alive and tangible as possible and motivate to concrete actions to translate it into reality.