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There are days when our energy is in full swing: we feel irresistible, although we seem to do nothing for it. How can this be explained? What feeds the power of our attraction? Experts say.
As soon as a person speaks, everyone around falls silent, as if spellbound. With his appearance, he attracts the eyes of many people. We all met such lucky people who attract attention, cause respect, admiration and even universal love with their demeanor alone. They have something special. Some highlight. Something that even the lucky owner of extraordinary charm cannot define.
“Often we cannot determine what exactly makes us attractive,” says Gestalt therapist Maria Andreeva. – When, for example, one of the partners, a few years after the first meeting, asks the other: “What did you find in me?” – in response, he can hear that it was precisely those traits of character, features of appearance or style of behavior that he tried to hide that caused delight.
And vice versa, it often turns out that the qualities that we emphasize in every possible way, considering them to be our virtues, do not arouse sympathy among others, but only irritate them. There is reason to doubt the effectiveness of trainings under the motto “Become the most charming and attractive!”.
Our experts name five sources of inner light, our charm.
1. Do not depend on the look of others: “It doesn’t matter if I like it or not”
“We charm other people when we don’t try to please them – such is the paradox,” says Maria Andreeva. “And we draw attention to ourselves when we don’t think about how to impress. If we do not play for the audience, but behave naturally, others see us as a living person who does what seems appropriate to him, hears others, does not put pressure on them, does not deprive them of the freedom of choice – to join or not, to support or not, fascinated or not.
When we do not expect anything specific from another person (we do not strive, for example, to ensure that he pays attention to us), we communicate with him freely, with interest and respect. We become an attentive listener, natural, safe … And such a person is always sympathetic to others.
2. Believe in yourself: “I can rely on myself”
Can you please others if you don’t like yourself? Will it be possible to convince others of your own well-being if you live out of harmony with yourself? Charm is not the privilege of narcissistic personalities, but it is self-love that enables us to accept our weaknesses and strengths, and self-confidence helps to cope with life’s adversities.
“Ideally, these feelings come to us from our parents,” says Maria Andreeva. – When an adult has a supply of their love, his self-confidence is difficult to destroy. If it is not there, it is still easier for us to love ourselves in communication with others.
But why is someone who trusts himself so charming? When we feel good about ourselves, in this feeling of self-love we draw energy to solve problems that others may find impossible. Our confidence and calmness are transmitted to others, and such a calm strength, of course, attracts.
3. Stay whole: “I say and do what I think”
People perceive our virtues not separately, but as something whole, consistent. When our emotions, thoughts, actions and deeds are connected to each other, when we not only defend our views and values in words, but embody them in our way of life, we feel consistent with ourselves and know that we are living the right way.
This inner harmony is felt in our every gesture and every word: we are not cunning with a single particle of our being, our “yes” are solid, our doubts are expressed clearly, our arguments are convincing.
Self-awareness not only enriches our lives, but positively affects those around us. “When everything is bubbling inside us, and outwardly we try to seem calm, charm does not appear,” Maria Andreeva clarifies. “The contradiction that has arisen, the conflict between the inner and the outer, causes vague discomfort and bewilderment among others.”
4. Be true to yourself: “I have the right to be so”
A shy or, for example, very awkward person may turn out to be the most charming in our environment – precisely because he does not hide the originality of his nature, is not embarrassed by himself.
“Charming people impress and fascinate us by not being afraid to be themselves,” says Nifont Dolgopolov. – In different circumstances, they do not hide their weaknesses, shortcomings of character or figure. These are whole individuals who know how to live here and now.
But it’s really hard to be yourself. Most of us are hindered primarily by the unconscious notion that doing the right thing means being restrained and prudent. And the secret of charm, on the contrary, is hidden in our spontaneity, sincerity and even some defenselessness.
“Therefore, it is so important for us to understand our deep, true “I”, its contradictions and conflicts, continues Maria Andreeva. Of course, it is unlikely that you will always be in tune with all facets of your personality, but you can learn to express yourself fearlessly and freely, accepting your own uniqueness. And without hiding from yourself and others your weaknesses, your vulnerability and shortcomings.
Such a person becomes an example of courage and sincerity for others, he surprises and inspires: after all, everyone can become just as charming if he decides to recognize the right to be just that.
5. Stay open: “I listen to others and speak in a way that is understood.”
We can assess the extent of our charm by answering a few questions. Do others like to communicate with us? Are they free to do so? Do they open up in communication? If yes, then we are quite open with others, that is, we do not evaluate our interlocutors, we know how to listen, to be attentive to them, despite the difference in views.
Real contact occurs only when people are ready for dialogue with each other. “Feeling our trust, the interlocutor calms down, and he has a desire to be just as open towards us: after all, he does not risk anything,” Maria Andreeva clarifies. “That is why it is so important to master the art of communication: to speak clearly and clearly, to use metaphors that help the listener see, hear, feel the situation.”
When we understand someone from a half-word, we feel smarter … and succumb to the charm of this person.