5 ideas to keep a couple together after having a baby

“Our child is six months old,” says 28-year-old Zinaida. “Gradually, life is getting better, only with sex nothing works.”

In couples with a baby, this question often arises: how to restore your sex life and make this return smooth and painless?

Pass the tests

• What kind of mother are you?

The transition from a family of two to a family of three is one of the deepest challenges a couple faces. In order to find your place in this new world, it takes time – and it is measured in years, not weeks, says Esther Perel. “The birth of a child is a psychological revolution that changes the way we relate to almost everything and everyone.” Priorities are being rearranged, roles are changing, the relationship between freedom and responsibility is being revised.

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• Family in the big city

Creating a family implies a redistribution of resources (time, energy, money), and for some time the couple fades into the background. The two new parents get little sleep, their sensuality is often redirected to the baby, and sex moves to the bottom of the priority list. It is impossible to prepare for this. The arrival of a newborn child often leads to a sexual drought that extends far beyond the months it takes to physically recover from childbirth…and in some cases can last for years.

But are children to blame for the fact that the flame of desire is dying out, or is it adults who fail to save the spark of attraction?

Here are five ideas to make room for yourself and your partnership after your first child is born:

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• Sex after childbirth: we train intimate muscles

1. Ask for help

If you do not live near relatives (or if relatives are unable or unwilling to help care for children), you should join with other families. It could be neighbors/friends/colleagues who look after your children and you help them in return. Avoid the isolation that young parents risk finding themselves in, share your worries with others, create a system of mutual support. It will free you from the feeling that all responsibility for children falls entirely on your shoulders. The support system will also give new parents the opportunity to spend time with each other.

2. Leave the house in the evening

Plan your time so that for every 6-8 weeks there is one free evening. Hire a babysitter or ask friends or family to take the baby for the evening (have it be someone who won’t worry about you picking up the baby as soon as possible). Go out for an evening of fun and don’t worry about getting home as soon as possible. Such a hike will give you a feeling of looseness and remind you of what your life was like before. Children change your schedule, but this does not mean that your whole life should be subordinated to it without a trace. Go out regularly to feel open to the world and get in touch with the experience of freedom and many opportunities.

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• Should a good mother cook?

3. Make cooking enjoyable

No need to sacrifice the culinary joys you had before having a baby. Don’t make cooking a chore. Do it quickly and with pleasure. Eat at home, eat together, but cook as simply, quickly, and healthy as possible.

• Find a grocery or ready-to-eat delivery service online.

• Plan a day at the beginning of the week when you and your child will pick up groceries. Instead of choosing between playtime and cooking time, combine the two: get the kids involved in the cooking. Give them easy, safe tasks, such as putting food in dishes, tearing lettuce leaves, and so on.

• If you have a babysitter, ask her to go grocery shopping and have them ready for you when you get home. Remember that you are hiring a nanny to help you, not just play with your child.

4. Make time for yourself

Make sure each member of your couple has time for themselves and some form of privacy. Allow yourself not to feel guilty about doing something just for yourself. Time for yourself is necessary for each person in order to feel his integrity. And this is an important condition for maintaining a lively relationship in a couple.

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• My list of pleasures

5. Break the boredom of everyday life, plan time for a couple

The important word here is plan. A clear plan creates freedom. This is especially important when the first child is born. This idea takes some getting used to, as it is likely to be markedly different from what you are used to thinking. Arrange for the two of you to have time for yourself that you will spend without the child. Break the usual parenting schedule and plan time for two.

• Schedule ahead of time. Anticipate what is ahead of you, fantasize about it. Anticipation matters a lot because it connects us to our imagination.

• When you finally leave the house for that rare date night, don’t waste time talking about the kids.

• Do something new and different. Instead of. as usual, go to the cinema, come up with something new. Novelty boosts testosterone production.

• Plan together. Many couples are helped by role-playing: one is in charge of the adult part of the plan (come up with evening activities, plan vacations, book tickets …), and the other takes care of children’s needs (negotiate with a nanny, pack bags to send children to grandparents …). System distribution; one partner takes care of the family as a whole, the other focuses on the interests of the couple. Remember how much you need each other and practice gratitude for the opportunity to complement each other. Be careful not to blame your partner for not doing the same important things as you.