After an unsuccessful relationship with a narcissist, it can be very difficult for us to admit to ourselves that we ourselves constantly justified and explained to ourselves his unworthy behavior, his lies, petty control and manipulation. And it could go on for months or even years.
All such couples have one thing in common — a clear imbalance of power.
“One of the partners (often a woman) values the relationship much more than the second, which makes him very vulnerable to manipulation. In this case, devotion and fear of losing touch with an important person leads us to meekly accept the outrageous behavior of a partner, often without even realizing how toxic and manipulative it is, ”explains psychologist Peg Streep.
A narcissistic partner has his own plans, in which he is not going to devote you. He needs relationships less than you, he is looking for them only to satisfy some of his own needs, and often does not feel any special feelings for his partner.
He only pays attention to you when he wants to get something in return, and does not care about your needs and needs.
Here are 5 particularly insidious and secretive types of manipulation that narcissists often use.
1. Secret control
The narcissist does not want to show that he needs you, but it is important for him to manage the relationship, so he uses hidden methods of control.
“It all starts with little things. Here in a restaurant you ordered a glass of wine, and he himself changes your order for some expensive cocktail, because «you deserve the best.» Suddenly, he starts insisting that you return the new dress to the store and take the one he chose: “You will be irresistible in it!” Peg Streep gives an example.
Such actions may seem like a manifestation of gallantry or sincere concern, but in fact this is not at all the case. Gradually, control intensifies: now he is already presenting you with large-scale «surprises», forcing you to cancel all your plans, while assuring that he is offering you something much better in return. If you begin to indulge him, soon your needs and needs will no longer be taken into account at all.
2. Derogatory attitude towards others
To completely control you, it is important for a narcissist to exclude the influence of any other people on you. He tries to isolate you and make you dependent on himself. At first, he casually hints that your best friend is using you or that she tried to offend you (thus he undermines your self-confidence).
Over time, he begins to criticize others more openly and aggressively, for example, he may state that your loved one spoke badly about you, and he is just trying to protect you.
“You are pleased that your partner is so zealously protecting you, and you don’t even think why he constantly has a need to scold and belittle other people. In the end, he will put you before a choice: he or they, ”says Peg Streep.
3. Projecting your own emotions onto you
Narcissists do not want to acknowledge their own emotions and take responsibility for them, the best way to divert your attention from his behavior is to blame you for what he does himself.
“He is clearly furious — his arms are crossed over his chest, his eyes are screwed up, the blood rushes to his face, but at the same time he claims that the problem is with you and is outraged that you are angry. It is possible that his accusations and insults will really anger you and leave you in disarray. You do not want to quarrel, but you begin to doubt: what if he is right? Suddenly the problem is in you? Peg Streep explains.
4. «Translation of arrows»
Let’s say a problem has arisen in your relationship and you think it’s time to discuss it, although you know that he is extremely sensitive to any criticism. You choose your words carefully, because your relationship with him is very important to you and you want to keep them.
At first, you try to explain everything calmly, but emotions run high and he angrily throws: “I might pay more attention to your needs if you weren’t so sensitive and annoying” or “Did it ever occur to you that I’m angry because you whine and you complain 24 hours a day and are always dissatisfied with everything? or «It’s the same again, you always start these conversations when I’m dead tired after a hard day.»
With this technique, he is trying to make you feel guilty, and now you are already thinking: “What if he is right and I am really too annoying? Or maybe I really need to pay more attention to him, and not think only about myself? You fall into his trap and begin to apologize to him. Thus he avoids responsibility.
5 Gaslighting: Censoring Reality Itself
This is the most effective trick in any narcissist’s arsenal. The manipulator convinces you that everything was not at all what you think, makes you doubt your perception of reality.
Gaslighting works best when you have become accustomed to all other manipulation techniques and convinced yourself that nothing terrible is happening. The narcissist continues to use his power, your self-doubt and your desire to save the relationship at all costs, further undermining your self-esteem, ”says Peg Streep.