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There are 5 major traumas that hurt us. They correspond to 5 masks that we wear, says psychologist Liz Burbo. Find out which one you are wearing.
Participants of the new flash mob on TikTok share with each other the test “What wounds prevent you from being yourself” with the hashtags #testtrauma and #testnamasks. The popularity of the topic is growing, and we have prepared an article about what these wounds are and what kind of masks we are talking about.
According to Liz Burbo, author of Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self, traumatic events in our lives can be divided into 5 categories:
to be rejected
remain abandoned or abandoned,
endure humiliation
be betrayed
and face injustice.
When one of these traumas is activated, we put on a mask, that is, we try on behavior that does not really correspond to our nature. If you have suffered several traumas, then one of them will prevail and determine our behavior and fears.
After reading a brief description of each mask, you can easily determine which one you are wearing.
1. Mask of flight: the wound of rejection
This is a very deep wound, because people who suffer from it feel rejected in their own being and especially in their right to life.
Origin
An injury sustained by a parent of the same sex between conception and one year of age.
Behavior
«Runaway» is a person who doubts his right to exist. He seeks solitude: if he was given a lot of attention, he would be lost and not know what to do with it. Such a person prefers not to be attached to material things, because they will not allow him to escape. He thinks about what he is doing on this planet, and he hardly believes that he can be happy here and bring something to this world.
Relationships with others
A person who has been rejected constantly seeks love from a parent of the same sex as him, or transfers this need to other people of the same sex.
In communication with a parent or other people of the opposite sex, he tends to feel rejected, and if he is actually rejected, he feels guilty.
In a group, the «runaway» usually says little, is afraid to interfere or fail to interest. He often lives in ambivalence: when he is chosen, he does not believe in himself and rejects himself, sometimes sabotaging the situation in which someone appreciates him. But when he is not chosen, he feels rejected by others.
Dictionary: “do not exist”, “zero”, “nothing”, “disappear”.
biggest fear: panic.
2. Mask «addict»: early failure
The wound you receive after being abandoned or abandoned is the second deepest wound after rejection, because both traumas are connected with the very existence of a person.
Origin
Trauma from a parent of the opposite sex between the ages of one and three.
Behavior
Such people do not feel emotionally filled enough. They constantly need help and support. The addict thinks he can’t handle everything on his own and needs someone to support him on a regular basis.
He often has ups and downs: for a while he is happy and everything is in order, and then he suddenly feels unhappy and sad. This is a person who dramatizes a lot: any incident takes on gigantic proportions. In a group, he likes to talk about himself, and often it comes out sideways to him.
Relationships with other people
The «addict» usually needs other people’s opinion or approval before making a decision. He does not make a decision or doubts his choice until he feels support from someone else. And if he does something for someone, he expects a reciprocal affection.
This mask is most likely to turn its wearer into a victim of Karpmann’s dramatic triangle. The problems of the “addict” attract attention to him, and therefore he is not abandoned. The more a person acts as a victim, the more his trauma intensifies.
Dictionary: «absence», «loneliness», «I can’t stand», «I’m being devoured», «I give up».
biggest fear: loneliness.
3. Masochist mask: a wound of humiliation.
This trauma is mainly related to the physical world of possession and action.
Origin
It awakens during the development of the functions of the physical body (eating alone, going to the bathroom, speaking, understanding conversation, sexuality, etc.). This is usually associated with the mother or with the person in charge of examining the physical and sexual functions mentioned above.
Behavior
The «masochist» is often ashamed of himself and others, or afraid of being shamed. He may think that he is dirty, sloppy. Does not want to recognize and accept his sensuality, as well as his love for the pleasures associated with feelings. That’s why he compensates and rewards himself with food. He is also afraid of being «punished» if he enjoys life too much. Thus, he suppresses his freedom, putting the needs of others before his own, so as not to enjoy life.
Relationships with others
«Masochist» seeks to do everything for others. In fact, in this way he creates restrictions and obligations in order not to use his own freedom. It also reinforces the feeling of humiliation. And in the same way, he tends to humiliate others.
A «masochist» is often inclined to blame himself for everything and even take the blame for others. These people are very sexual: they often make love (of course, if they allow themselves sensual pleasure). But at the same time they do not dare, they are ashamed to tell their partner about their sensuality.
Dictionary: «worthy», «unworthy», «small», «fat», «pig», «dirty».
biggest fear: freedom.
4. The mask of the «overseer»: the wound of betrayal
The overseer’s trauma (experiencing betrayal) is closely related to the «drug addict» trauma (when the person was abandoned). But if being abandoned is about “being”, “existing”, then betrayal is about “having” and “doing”.
Origin
Living with a parent of the opposite sex between the ages of two and four, while the sexual energy develops, producing the oedipus complex in boys or the Electra complex in girls.
Behavior
Very uncompromising, the warden wants to show others what he is capable of. He often interrupts and answers before the interlocutor has finished. When things don’t go as fast as he would like, he gets angry. He considers himself hardworking and responsible, he can hardly endure laziness.
The Overseer hates asking for help. He himself does not always fulfill his obligations and promises or is forced to force himself to fulfill them. Intolerant and impatient. Has difficulty sharing his feelings and thoughts and does not show his vulnerability.
Relationships with others
It is very difficult for the «Overseer» to accept the cowardice of others. It is difficult for him to delegate tasks, because for this you need to trust someone. Of all the five masks, he is the one who has the most expectations from other people, because he likes to anticipate and control everything.
If the «addict» wants to be loved and supported, then the «supervisor» wants to make sure that others do what he needs, and thus check whether he can trust them. He firmly believes in his beliefs and expects others to agree with his views. He is inclined to categorically defend his point of view and seeks to convince others of it at any cost.
Dictionary: “I am capable”, “I will do it myself”, “Trust me”, “I do not trust him”, “Do you understand me?”
strong fear: disunity, separation, denial.
5. Hard mask: the wound of injustice.
The wound of the tough person (the experience of injustice) is closely related to the trauma of the fleeing person (rejection). While rejection touches being deeply, the wound of injustice touches possession and action.
Origin
Trauma from a parent of the same sex between the ages of four and six, when the child realizes that he is a separate person with his own character traits and characteristics.
Behavior
A person with a rigid mask is active, with dynamic movements, but not flexible. He is prone to envy and perfectionism. Withdraws from his feelings and often crosses his arms. Strives for excellence and often justifies itself. It’s hard for him to admit that he has problems. He often doubts his choice. Likes order and tends to control himself, demanding too much.
He can be short-tempered and cold, it is difficult for him to show affection. Such a person does not like to be late, but often this still happens due to the fact that it takes a lot of time to get ready. He himself misses the point, because he tends to exaggerate, using the words «never», «always» or «very».
Relationships with others
A man with a hard mask likes that people who understand him know about everything that is connected with him. If the warden acts to demonstrate his responsibility, then the hard-faced man acts to prove that he deserves a reward. It is difficult for such a person to receive gifts, because he constantly feels a duty.
Dictionary: “no problem”, “always”, “never”, “very good”, “correct”, “exactly”, “agree?”
biggest fear: cold.
Read about what to do with 5 emotional wounds here.
Author: Tatyana Zasypkina