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There are more negative thoughts in our head than positive ones. It is a fact. This is how our brain works. The way we are used to looking at life becomes our life. This is also a fact. But there is good news: the perception of reality can be changed. A few simple but effective tips from former US counterintelligence officer LaRae Kuai.
Do you know what I’ve learned in my 24 years as an FBI agent? First of all, the fact that it is worth forgetting the phrase “I can’t” forever. I quickly learned that a negative view of things makes it difficult to analyze difficult situations.
Once you allow a negative thought to take root, it will change your perception of the world, paint in gloomy colors all areas of life: work and relationships. If you are failing to build a career, and your personal life leaves much to be desired, it may not be a lack of ability or charisma, but the way you look at things.
The FBI pays special attention to working with witnesses, as they become direct eyewitnesses of events. They are watching what is happening — and you should learn to watch your thoughts in the same way and not let them distort the true picture. Here are five simple ways to help you change the way you look at life.
1. Avoid the words «always» and «never»
Do not be categorical: this rarely reflects the real state of affairs. When you encounter an obstacle and allow yourself to think about it in that way, the limbic system of the brain kicks in. As a result, you begin to feel fear or anger.
«Kids never listen to me.»
“I work so much and no one ever notices!”
«Everyone is always better than me…»
«I always end up with nothing.»
Ask yourself how often you think about a bad event, event, or situation in terms of «always» and «never.» Ask a close friend to track these words in your speech. If you catch yourself thinking in these categories again, try to find another way to express dissatisfaction.
2. Pay attention to internal monologues
Studies show that our «mental chatter» in 70% of cases is negatively colored. We are far more self-critical, pessimistic, and anxious than we usually realize. We tend to notice the bad more quickly and more often than the good, and are sensitive to any bad news.
Start exploring your negative feelings, don’t go along with them. For example, if you are ashamed, analyze this feeling. Will it help you learn something and change your behavior? Or is it just an irrational reaction to the situation?
3. Rewrite memories of a difficult event
Once you have formed an opinion about yourself and your abilities, you will only notice information that supports that opinion. The brain will simply cut off everything that contradicts your view of yourself.
For example, if you consider yourself a failure, then you will perceive any difficult situation unambiguously: you have failed. Again. The way you look at life becomes your reality. If you underestimate your talents and abilities, then you limit yourself and really achieve less than you could.
Never Miss an Opportunity to Rewrite or Edit Your Memory
Research shows that immediately after an event has occurred, our memories of it are highly unstable. This must be used! For example, we can get rid of fear by erasing our memories of it, and it is better to do this in the first two hours after something bad has happened to us.
When you experience an unpleasant or frightening experience, try to immediately replace your memories of it with something more positive. Never miss an opportunity to rewrite or edit your memory. Of course, before doing this, you need to make sure that you are safe.
4. Tune in to the positive
The opportunities offered by positive thinking are often neglected, and in vain. Positive psychology researcher Barbara Fredrickson believes that this way of looking at things can help to radically change lives. Balancing positive and negative emotions is the key to mental health, growth, and resilience.
As adults, we need to allow ourselves to smile more and play more. Playing and learning something new, we experience a surge of joy and self-confidence, which means we can better cope with everyday tasks and achieve success.
5. Stop thinking you’re a victim
When something goes wrong, we often declare ourselves hostage to the situation and blame others for everything. If we don’t like what we hear or how they look at us, we immediately declare that we are the victim of microaggressions. People who are responsible for their lives do not behave like this. Looking for excuses and shifting the blame to others is a road to nowhere. We lie to ourselves, and this prevents us from growing and achieving something.
It is up to you to decide whether you will let others ruin your life, whether you become dependent on what they think and do, whether you give them power over you.
About the Author: Larae Kuai is a former U.S. counterintelligence officer, mental health professional, FBI consultant, and author of Resilience for Women Leaders: 52 Tips for Recognizing and Playing Your Strengths.