5 dangerous misconceptions in the fairy tale about Cinderella that hinder us in life

A tempting story familiar from childhood about a stepdaughter, whom the entire female half of the family forces to work from morning to night, and the once loving father quietly keeps silent, fearing the wrath of his wife, continues to roam the expanses of literature, theater and cinema. For patience and diligence, Cinderella and her modern clones will certainly be rewarded: one day the Prince Charming will appear, and her life will change forever, with the help of the good Fairy. And then, as expected, they will live happily ever after.

But this is not so, says Lucia Suleimanova, author of the book “How to get into the palace if you are not Cinderella.” For centuries, the fairy tale has misled all the girls of the world that the role of Cinderella is the most profitable. And millions of them tried to repeat her fate. All this time, the Stepmother and her daughters were undeservedly blacklisted as evil heroines. And the Fairy was assigned the role of a performer of other people’s desires and nothing more. And the Prince is not at all the chosen one, whom you should run after, dropping your crystal shoes.

The plot of the tale and the roles of each of its heroines are not so straightforward and unambiguous. And the prince is not as beautiful as it seems at first glance. “I, like many Soviet girls, also once believed that it was good to be Cinderella. This belief was supported by culture. Only in this way, with patience, can you get a prize: love, the hand and heart of the Prince, ”says the psychologist. But why then do many of us behave like Cinderella, but there is still no prize and no royal palace. The ending is also deceptive, according to which the happy, long and cloudless life of the newlyweds begins from the last page.

Почему психолог выбрала эту сказку, ведь есть множество других историй, которые любимы во всем мире и на героинь которых равняются миллионы девочек, девушек и женщин?

“I work a lot in the West, the Italians ordered this book for me, I write it in Russian, and we translate it into French and English,” says the author. “We settled on Cinderella because, like no other popular fairy tale, it contains all the archetypes that we meet in life and in which we recognize ourselves and others. It plays out that stage when people start a relationship, and we are interested in how they can develop further.

It’s time to reread the fairy tale with the adult eyes of experienced people, abolishing stereotypes and habitual interpretations, she believes.

Misconception 1: This tale is about luck and eternal love

In fact, a fairy tale about relationships at a certain stage and about marriage with all its realities.

“Over time, I realized that we misunderstand the tale of Cinderella, or rather, use its clues inefficiently,” explains Lucia Suleimanova. What did we think about this story in childhood and continue to think in adulthood? That the dream of a simple girl to become a princess is being realized there. Ah, we sighed, Cinderella is so lucky! If you are the same, everyone will love you, and then you just have to be patient and wait, and in the end there will certainly be a prize in the form of a wedding with the Prince.

To some extent, the fairy tale tells about success, because each hero implements his own strategy for obtaining the desired result. But to a greater extent, it shows female-male relations at a certain stage. The family of the Stepmother and the Forester has a desire to marry one of the daughters. And romantic relationships – namely, they are shown in a fairy tale – are only a part of marriage, and a small one at that.

“Life has changed, and the attitude to Cinderella as a good uncomplaining performer, who at the end gets a big candy, ceases to be relevant. It only seems to us that the plot of this fairy tale is eternal precisely in its immutability. No, times have changed. The archaic type of Cinderella described in the old spirit, playing on the basic needs of a man, cannot survive in the modern world. Modern men no longer want to save their woman and take full responsibility for her fate. And they are not ready, as in the old days, having caught their “prey” – a beauty in a glass slipper – to stay with her forever. Now a man would prefer that a woman acting like Cinderella could still stand up for herself.

Misconception 2: the prince is the future ambitious King, only not yet grown up

In fact, the Prince has ambitions, but is afraid to show them in the palace and in power.

Our Prince is a boy who grew up without a mother, with all the consequences: he did not receive maternal warmth and resources and did not separate from her. He is interested in walking through fields and forests – this is a safe area where his ambitions can manifest themselves without fear of competition with a strong father. Ambitions are expected from him, but with all his increased ego, he is not ambitious in the usual sense (crown, thirst for power, numerous subjects) – he does not need to expand and strengthen the state, looking for a profitable party among eminent princesses. He is a hostage of his status. In addition, he was so tired of the constant hunt for various potential brides for him that, seeing a beautiful girl who was not pursuing him, he drew attention to her.

He wanted to be free with a minimum of responsibility. Everyone, from his father to his subjects, expects and demands something from him. Cinderella did not demand anything, she accepted him for who he is. And he did not deceive her at all, talking about the bright prospects for their future. It’s just that he, like a true romantic, believed in his own fairy tale.

Заблуждение 3: Золушка — удачливая яркая девушка

In fact, Cinderella is a lack of initiative, boring performer, whom the Prince will cheat on in two years. “The true Cinderella is often formed in a family where she is an older sister, a nanny for younger children, or a girl who lost her mother early and assumed the functions of a mistress, or an unloved stepdaughter, or a child of emotionally cold parents, trying her best to earn their approval.”

An adult Cinderella is 6-7 years old in terms of energy level. She is a good girl who fulfills other people’s desires in order to please and please, primarily her father. “Sometimes they become good secretaries, often for life. Often these are young wives from the “bring-give” category, who beautifully accompany a status husband. Some stay in this role all their lives, wondering why they get the wrong princes every time.

In fact, Cinderella remained an ungrown infantile child, habitually following other people’s instructions and completely devoid of her own experience. But some inner instinct suggested to her the only true strategy: fleeing in order to have time to save a temporary, not her mask until the last strike of the clock, she awakens the instinct of a hunter in the Prince.

«Это самая разумная стратегия для нее, и она срабатывает, — считает автор книги. — После свадьбы поначалу они наслаждались друг другом. Она смотрела на него с восхищением. Но время шло, и Принц с некоторой неловкостью стал ощущать скуку все сильнее и сильнее. Милые привычки, словечки и оплошности простушки Золушки уже не забавляли, а раздражали. Ее робость и жалкая улыбка смущали. Она ведет себя как щенок, готовый руки лизать и вилять хвостом! Она такая пассивная, совсем ничего не может без указаний и руководства. А секс… Какой же скучный был с ней секс — поначалу привлекающий своей робостью, но позднее предсказуемый и правильно-безынициативный. И Принц стал все чаще посматривать на фрейлин, которые образованнее и ярче его жены».

Заблуждение 4: роль Золушки принимается раз и навсегда

In fact, we try on all the female roles from a fairy tale throughout our lives. Real relationships in life are focused on connection (it is called differently: love, tenderness, intimacy) and status. “If status is important to a woman, then she will turn a blind eye to the lack of tenderness and warmth from her partner. And we see that some of the heroes are focused on communication, and some are focused on status. Where there is status, there is always ambition, for example, the Stepmother and her daughters.

But if we consider the plot and the behavior of the characters in the context of relationships, it turns out that each image is not a separate autonomous character. This is us ourselves, but in specific situations and at specific stages of life and relationships. At different times, different roles are needed. Sometimes they are used inappropriately, and then you can hear: “You are acting like a child.” This means that at this moment Cinderella woke up in you at the wrong time.

Misconception 5: I only want to be Cinderella

You need to understand who you are today and how effective your current role is – maybe it’s time to change it?

“If you get stuck in a certain role, then the relationship, and we remember that this fairy tale is about them, will not develop and will most likely end, leaving disappointment and bitterness behind. It is worth checking what role you play at this stage. What does it give you, what restrictions does it impose? Did you stay in it? This does not mean that the role of Cinderella must be disposed of once and for all, as from an unnecessary, outdated ballast. No, it is very important to keep Cinderella in oneself as a magical component of the inner child, the history of magical thinking, effective faith in miracles, the power of desire and systemicity.

Cinderella is a girl of 6-7 years old, who does her best to justify the expectations of the family, so she is diligent. Stepmother’s daughter – puberty, when the sea is knee-deep and the Lord God himself is not a competitor. There is a lot of self-confidence and hormones that sometimes turn off the brain. Sometimes, wanting to achieve some goal: a career, a stamp in the passport with the desired prince, we learn this particular role.

The stepmother is an “anti-crisis manager” who, for the strategic task of the family system, makes unpopular decisions. Often, when there is no money in the family, the husband is lying on the couch or the children no longer understand what they want, the Stepmother “turns on” in the woman.

A fairy is a woman who fulfills other people’s desires, because she cannot do otherwise. She is a born lifeguard or Batman in a skirt. “Often women make the mistake of becoming fairies immediately after marriage. Women of mature age often come to me after a divorce, who for many years gave a resource to their husband, the father of their children, raised him, believing that children need a stable and successful father. Now, when the children have grown up, scattered, their man decides to start everything from scratch with another woman – Cinderella or Stepmother’s daughter. Many people think that famous women – Natalia Vodianova, Lady Diana, the young wife of Prince Harry Meghan Markle – are modern Cinderellas. But if they were such, then exactly until the moment they entered the Palace. And then they threw off the crystal shoes and changed the role to the one that helped them gain a foothold on a new height. What, alas, the fairy-tale heroine did not do.