A repeat family is a family in which at least one of the parents has children from previous marriages. And this is not always easy.
I can tell about myself in different ways. I am 37 years old and have had a successful career in positive psychology, also known as the science of happiness and prosperity. I founded the European Association, created and led a master’s program at the university, traveled around the world a lot, speaking at conferences. Quite good, right? But there is another side to my life, so let’s start from the beginning. I am 37 years old and my husband and I have 5 children in our family. My children are 14 and 16 years old, his children are 13 and 15. In addition, my husband and I, inspired by the fact that we finally found each other, wanted another child — and a baby who is now two years old was added to the teenagers …
Hundreds of thousands of parents decide to create a second (and third) family, painting a blissful picture for themselves: stepfather and stepson love each other, stepbrothers and sisters play together on the beach, and on warm summer evenings the whole family chirps peacefully on the veranda … And this possibly! Sometimes. And how many of them (us) were ready for reality — for the struggle of children for a room or for the realization that the husband still loves his own child more than yours?
A repeat family is a family in which at least one of the parents has children from previous marriages. In different countries, the proportion of such families ranges from 10 to 30%, and it is growing. Guilt looms behind every such story: “I already got divorced once, but what will I do if everything goes wrong in the new family? I can’t let my children suffer again!»
The statistics are merciless. Children of divorced parents are more likely to have behavioral problems, they have less developed emotions and thinking. In the future, it will be more difficult for them to create their own family: 70% of children of divorced parents consider divorce acceptable if there are problems in marriage; among children whose parents did not part, there are only 40% of them. And the more brothers and sisters a child has, the less happy he feels …
- When divorce confuses the cards
For many years, I have given others evidence-based advice to improve their lives. But now, if I feel panic, it’s not science that helps me more, but the words of psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar: “Allow yourself to be human.” Allow yourself any emotions without suppressing them, allow yourself to be imperfect, make mistakes, even those that are costly, even those that not only I, but others suffer from? Allow myself to worry and try again, even if (statistically) my chances of a long marriage are not that great? True, the latest data suggests that for those who remarried after 35, the prognosis is much better. And divorce, as it turns out, is favorable for children. So I’ll keep my fingers crossed… By the way, when was the last time you allowed yourself to be human?