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Why do relationships that seem ideal and promising at first turn into exhausting and cold over time? Or do they break off abruptly, without having time to develop? Often the reason is in our habitual behavior and the role that we unconsciously take on in a couple.
Many come into relationships with certain expectations, attitudes, and behaviors that set the wrong course of events from the outset. As a result, we are surprised to get an unsatisfactory result. To avoid this scenario, we need to determine which relationships are right for us and consider whether our current actions are leading to this goal.
Types of behavior that interfere with the harmonious development of relationships
1. Take on the role of a parent in relation to a partner
If you sometimes have a desire to take care of your partner intensely — to teach, control, do something for him, the mother wakes up in you. Perhaps your partner provokes you into this role by choosing the role of a child for himself.
Most likely, you are used to putting a lot on your shoulders: solving the problems of others, giving them parting words. The danger of such behavior towards a partner is that once you try on the role of a parent and gain a foothold in it, it will be difficult for you to change anything.
Over time, the partner will become more and more helpless, shifting the burden of responsibility onto you.
And you, in turn, will feel even more driven and unhappy under the burden of oppressive problems and an endless list of tasks. If this is not what you want to come to in the end, then it is better to stop yourself in advance in the manifestation of hyper-care and guardianship.
2. Coming into a relationship from a “child” position
When you are looking for a relationship out of fear that without them your life is incomplete, you can’t cope with life’s tasks yourself and are looking for someone who could save you from all this, this is an indicator that you are in a childish position. It is as if you are re-experiencing the state of strong dependence on the other that you experienced as a child: “I can’t cope without you.”
Although there is an advantageous side to this situation: there is no need to take responsibility, because the child does not have it. And that means you don’t need to be responsible for the consequences of your decisions later, to be angry with yourself. Instead, you can say: «It’s your fault, you told me to…»
The difficulty is that, agreeing to the role of a child, you will have to endure criticism, be dependent on an «adult», forget yourself
Remember your childhood, when you had to adapt to your parent, be a good girl, guess the mood … As a result, there was no room for your emotions, in order to look into yourself, listen to yourself: “how am I inside there?”
The child has no other choice, since he will not survive without an adult, but an adult is quite capable of living independently. Sometimes people get emotionally stuck at a certain age and remain little girls and boys. They will always meet the same situations that will stimulate them to grow further.
When once again a trouble happens to you that you don’t want to deal with, ask yourself why it arose in your life. Most likely, this is the task of your development. By refusing to deal with this situation, you are simply putting it off until later. As a result, a new situation will arise, which, although it will differ in some characteristics, will still carry the same meaning — to give you the opportunity to grow up and take responsibility for your life.
3. Come into relationships with expectations
When you are sure that a man should behave in a certain way, act exactly as you imagine, and nothing else, you are setting the stage for frequent disappointments. Expectations never lead to anything good.
Of course, you need to have an idea of what qualities, characteristics and actions of a man suit you, but you should not try to put a real person into this image. He is what he is. It is better to stock up on interest and, perhaps, patience to start getting to know him.
When you constantly compare it to the ideal and try to remake it, it doesn’t end well.
At some point, you need to understand whether you are ready to continue to get to know him or he is too unsuitable for you and it hurts too much to move on? And make an appropriate decision: “yes, I’ll look again,” “no, I don’t want to continue anymore.”
No one is forcing you to stay where you are uncomfortable, with someone you are uncomfortable with. If you feel discomfort, but remain, then you should contact a psychologist to understand this situation until you have the resources to change it yourself.
If you leave the relationship again and again, this is also a kind of beacon: what is so unbearable for you every time? How do you find, choose just such men? What unites them? In this case, too, it is probably better to consult a psychologist in order to better understand what is affecting you.
4. Obsess over negative things
All people are made up of strengths and weaknesses, and in any relationship there are good and bad periods and moments. At the same time, it is important what you focus on, what do you notice more often — good or bad?
There are people who dwell only on bad moments, when in fact, in all the diversity of life, you can find a lot of good things.
An example of such a fixation could be the following position: “In my life I follow the rule: if in a relationship 95% make me happy, but there are at least 5% that I don’t like, I direct all my attention to these 5% in order to change the situation” .
What does the partner get in this case? Constant claims, criticism and comments, as a result, irritation between partners intensifies, the atmosphere in the relationship is heating up, this brings the couple closer to a break.
5. Consider that the partner in everything should adapt to you
Relationships between two people are built on constant interaction, attunement and the search for a “golden mean”. A very common metaphor here is for a bridge that two people build to meet in the middle.
Sometimes we concede to a partner, and sometimes he concedes to us, but this should not be a one-sided game. Usually the position “I want everything to be my way” is self-centered and disrespectful towards the other, because it does not take into account: what is it like for him, is it comfortable? Relationships as a union of two personalities cannot be guided by the needs and desires of only one of them — there is simply no way for such relationships to develop.