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When a relationship ends, the partners experience such emotional pain that it sometimes seems impossible to lessen the suffering. However, there are ways to part in a good way and without mutual resentment.
There is such a phenomenon of «contact and tracking a partner after the end of the novel.» It turned out that after a bad breakup, former lovers closely monitor each other’s lives, regularly contact and communicate, thereby preventing them from building new relationships. So how can you end a relationship? And how to end them with the least suffering?
In most cases, both parties suffer during a breakup. The initiator of the gap may be tormented by guilt. The one who is abandoned feels resentment or despair, even if he does not admit it. Many are tormented by questions: “What did I do wrong? What if I behaved differently? The constant scrolling in the head of different situations leads to a dead end and does not help to quickly survive what happened.
The stress of an upcoming breakup often makes it difficult to find the right way out of the situation.
Many want to do everything quickly and announce their decision suddenly, without any preparation. They literally want to «tear off the band-aid» from the wound. Will she heal faster this way? In fact, this only leads to the formation of scars that will prevent both partners from deciding on a new relationship.
Some people just disappear once and for all without any explanation. This method seems to be correct if the partners are not bound by marriage or financial obligations. However, it can also cause trust issues in the future.
True intimacy implies the ability to communicate confidentially with the chosen one. Therefore, it is wise to talk to your partner and admit that your relationship has outlived its usefulness or is coming to a logical end. Tell us what makes you feel unhappy and what has changed in your life since the «candy-bouquet» period. This will help both you and your partner in the next relationship to avoid unpleasant mistakes. But try not to place the blame for the breakup on either yourself or your partner.
Professor Charlene Belou from the University of New Brunswick has done an interesting study on the impact of a painful breakup on later life. She asked 271 students (two-thirds girls, one-third young men) to describe their most embarrassing breakup and current relationship with this person. The results of the study made it possible to formulate advice for those who have decided to leave their partner.
5 bad ways to end a relationship. What should not be done?
1. Disappear
It’s a bad idea to leave in English without saying goodbye or explaining anything. Such a gap leaves a feeling of uncertainty. Respect the feelings of the person you loved, if only out of gratitude for everything experienced together.
2. Take the blame
There are two people involved in the relationship. Therefore, it is stupid and wrong to blame yourself for everything. At first, it sounds fake, like you just want to get it over with quickly. Secondly, the partner will not work on the mistakes and will not change his behavior in the next novel.
3. Blame your partner
If you say a bunch of nasty things at parting, then you will give rise to a lot of complexes in a person. You should also not complain about the former chosen one to mutual friends. This puts both them and you in an awkward position. Don’t force them to take sides.
4. Chase
Intrusion into the life of the former partner after the end of the relationship only prevents you from moving on. So try not to go to his page on social networks and not get news from mutual friends. And remember that calling at night after a couple of glasses to “talk heart to heart” has not made anyone happier. Constantly appearing in the life of an ex-partner, but not wanting to be with him, is extremely selfish.
5. Fantasize about “what if I hadn’t…”
It is wrong to think that if you behaved differently in this or that situation, you would be together now. One mistake doesn’t often lead to a breakup. The exception is perhaps the situation of treason.
5 steps to help you break up on good terms
1. Prepare the ground
The experience of psychoanalysts proves that the element of surprise makes the breakup more painful. Both you and your partner will need time to prepare for the change.
2. Divide the blame in half
Tell what in your partner’s behavior led to such an ending, but do not forget to mention your mistakes.
3. Keep your dignity
Do not wash dirty linen in public and do not tell everyone in a row about the terrible habits of the former partner and other personal moments.
4. Set Communication Boundaries
Agree whether you want to remain friends, go to each other’s birthday parties or help with some household issues. If you have joint property, you will definitely have to contact in order to divide it.
5. Tune in for the best
Nothing in life goes unnoticed. Think about what you can learn from what happened and thank your partner for all the joyful moments you had.
About the author: Susan Krauss Whitborn is a professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst.