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Why is the once strong and happy relationship bursting at the seams? Because we turn them into competitions, we constantly compare who has done more for the other, coach Robert Taibbi is sure.
Imagine a fairly common situation: he became interested in games and spends all his free time at the computer. She wants him to devote evenings to her and help around the house. And he, in turn, wants her to become less demanding, stop constantly criticizing him.
It all starts with a slight dissatisfaction with each other and mutual reproaches, but gradually the situation worsens. She is frustrated by her refusal to spend less time playing games, and all her complaints sound like endless whining to him, and in response he becomes more and more immersed in his hobby. As a result, everyone suffers: she — because of the rejection and neglect, he — because they are trying to control him.
From the outside, it seems that fixing the situation is as easy as shelling pears: he stops doing what annoys his partner and does what she likes. She works on herself, becomes less critical and more understanding. Deal. If we were robots, everything would be resolved in a few nanoseconds. But, fortunately, we are not robots. We live in a complex world of emotions, and our feelings sometimes sabotage common sense. That’s what he and she usually think in such a situation.
Friends and colleagues compete. Brothers and sisters constantly compare themselves to each other. But in a pair, he and she must be one
«He/she deserves no concessions from me.» She does not want to make an effort to save the relationship, because he is not ready to sacrifice his passion.
«I just do not want». This is a variation on the theme of the previous paragraph. I’m angry and fed up with her accusations that I’m not doing anything, he thinks. — Just leave me alone».
«She/he must make the first move.» If she doesn’t make an effort, it means she doesn’t care about our relationship. I won’t do anything either.
«I am right)». Everyone believes that his demands are fair and adequate. He wants to take a break from working at the computer. She has the right to expect help from him and participation in household chores.
The problem is that relationships are not competitions or competitive struggles. There are no right and wrong in a couple, you can’t compare who did more and who did less. And if you really want to save a relationship, you need to learn this once and for all. You need to stop fighting for power, demanding submission, or considering yourself a victim.
Friends and colleagues compete. Brothers and sisters constantly compare themselves to each other. But in a pair, he and she should be one. But of course, if you want to mess things up, then just:
1. Turn relationships into an endless competition
Keep believing that there can only be one winner in a relationship. Insist that you are right in every situation, even if you are wrong. This will provide you with more fights that you can continue to «win». Don’t forget to argue about who started the fight first.
2. Find fault with the little things
Make an elephant out of a fly. Focus on what annoys you about your partner. Talk to him about it every day. And even if the problem was not too big, gradually it will begin to seem just huge.
3. Compare your relationship with others and admire them
Of course, other people’s husbands and wives are more understanding, hardworking, successful, caring. Talk more about it. It’s even better to remember your past relationships all the time: they must have been much happier.
4. Get your priorities wrong
The list of what can become more important than your relationship is endless: career, sports, children, computer games, and so on.
Of course, self-improvement, self-realization and hobbies are very important. No one says that all free time should be devoted to the house and partner. But for the sake of maintaining relations, you need to be ready to make concessions. At the same time, you should not demand that from a partner.