If physical violence leads to bodily injury, then verbal aggression, expressed in words, intonation, loudness of voice or even in silence, leaves an imprint on the soul, on the human psyche. And sometimes the pain doesn’t go away. How to protect yourself if you are being bullied?
“My ex didn’t go into his pocket for a word and could always “print”, and in such a way that he didn’t find fault. Not a single direct curse – but a couple of mockery and ridicule, and you already feel like a complete nonentity. Attempts to talk did not lead to anything – he pretended not to understand. He was “just joking,” says Nata, 36.
“Every working day we had two or three meetings when the working group discussed this or that project. My boss knew how to masterfully show a person that he said something stupid – when he was waiting for responses, she simply was expressively silent and made a “special” face. One girl was so embarrassed by this that one day she could not stand it and ran away in tears,” says Marina, 40 years old.
“Father doesn’t understand why I avoid him. But all my childhood I heard such words addressed to me that you don’t always hear from strangers. I grew up and live separately – but he did not seem to understand what was the matter. When I come to visit my mother, he starts cursing me from the doorway. I answered him once – and I do not come again. I don’t like to listen to it, but I don’t want to communicate like that myself, I don’t want to be like him!” – says Yuri, 29 years old.
Verbal abuse
Insults, especially if they are regularly uttered by a significant person for us, can inflict deep, unhealed wounds, beat on pride, injure, lead to anxiety, fear, despair and depression, psychologists say.
According to neuroscientist and professor of philosophy Dr. Berit Brogaard, the only way to end verbal humiliation is to completely stop communicating with the offender. But this is obviously not always easy to do. Someone cares about his work, and you have to contact a boorish colleague or boss. Someone is not ready to refuse communication with parents, even if they are prone to insults. And someone cannot get away from a partner who resorts to verbal abuse.
What to do? How to remain stable if you are insulted? Minimize the negative consequences of such communication, says Dr. Bragaard. She offers 4 rules of self-defense against rudeness and insults.
1. Learn to recognize insults
Defining what’s going on and giving it the right name is a lot. Of course, if someone called you an “idiot” or some other dirty word, everything is immediately clear. But there are situations in which verbal abuse or abuse is difficult to define. Taunting, shouting, derogatory remarks, dodging questions, inappropriate criticism, and emphatic silence are all forms of insult.
If a close person or someone we depend on practices this, it becomes the background, we “get used” to such communication. But it doesn’t stop hurting us. Insults are used to control another person by hurting them—in this case, on an emotional level.
“If the words or silence of the offender regularly hurt you, if you suspect that you have become a target for verbal abuse, it most likely is,” says Professor Bragard.
2. Fight back
So, the first step is done – you realized that you are being insulted. The next step is to try to change the situation by telling the offender that his words or tone are offensive. In fact, very few people “do not know what they are doing”, most of them are well aware that they behave at least ugly. And if there was someone in your place whom they fear or who they depend on, most likely they would not allow themselves such attacks. So, to cope with themselves in their power.
However, in most cases, “just talking” does not help. If you often hear insults from a loved one, this behavior has already become a pattern for him. One conversation – even if you “get through” to him – will not work. It is important to draw his attention to what is happening every time he starts hurting you again.
And here is the main rule from the expert: if you become the object of verbal abuse, try not to dive into the content of what was said. Better not even listen to what you are told. And certainly there is no point in proving to the offender why he is doing something wrong. You won’t be able to convince him. Leave logical arguments and reasoning behind – just tell the person in a firm voice to stop talking to you like that. The word “Stop!” may be the most efficient answer.
An alternative option is to give a name to what is happening, again without being included in the meaning of what was said. If you are being called names, you can respond with “Stop using negative labels to define me” or simply “Stop calling me names!” If nothing helps – do not waste resources on a useless struggle. You are “beaten” with words. Just leave.
3. Spending time away from the abuser
If it is impossible to completely stop communication and eliminate the offender from your life, try to pause in communication. And keep using steps 1 and 2, respond to each instance of verbal abuse. Being at a safe distance from the aggressor is essential for your emotional and even physical health. Try to spend as much time as possible without him. If “it started again” – take the dog for a long walk, take the children to their grandmother, ask a friend to meet you, walk to a distant supermarket, having come up with some kind of goal, or switch to work.
4. Break the “conspiracy of silence”
If you are closed on each other, do not tell anyone about your relationship with the aggressor, your silence unties his hands. If he is prone to gaslighting, he will assure you that you yourself “invented” everything, it “seemed” to you, or even turn the situation in the opposite direction, “offended” by accusations of aggression.
Perhaps your partner or relative seems to be another pleasant person, charming and caring, and even the neighbors do not suspect what is happening behind the closed doors of your apartment. You won’t have bruises, fractures, or other obvious marks that physical abuse leaves, and you may think that people won’t believe your stories of verbal abuse. But the more you remain silent, the more harm it does to you.
Don’t let the aggressor convince you that something is wrong with you. Do not give him unlimited power over you. Talk to others about what is happening. Open up to those who are able to sympathize and help. It may make sense to seek professional support. Don’t keep violence a secret.