When a couple lives together, conflicts are inevitable. But how do quarrels affect your relationship – destroy it or help you reach a new level? The answer depends on how the couple behaves after a fight.
We know men and women who often and vigorously quarrel, and then seem to fall in love with each other all over again. We are also familiar with couples who are constantly waging a “cold war”: they do not directly attack each other. However, disagreements between them accumulate, and problems remain unresolved.
But is there an ideal way to handle conflict? Psychologists at the University of Texas at Dallas tried to answer this question. To begin with, they found out how people generally behave after a skirmish with loved ones. They asked 115 couples to record information about disagreements for some time, as well as to describe their behavior after the conflict. The scientists found that the responses received can be divided into 4 groups.
Conflicting couples deal with the consequences of their behavior with the following strategies:
avoidance. The ability to give your partner time and space to calm down. This category also includes refusal to communicate with a spouse, ignoring.
Active recovery. Any action that leads to the “repair” of attachment between partners. Active recovery includes apologizing, asking for forgiveness, trying to come to terms, and showing affection—hugs, kisses, dating, and sex.
Getting a new look. This category includes any behavior in which we seek to understand the partner’s point of view. It’s about asking friends for advice, meditative practices, and reflections. The opportunity to look at what happened from the outside often makes us strive for a compromise with a partner.
Letting go. Some conflicts are simply not worth having at all. And the partners decide to simply forget about them for the sake of the relationship. At the same time, they may not agree with each other – just take into account that a loved one has his own opinion.
Based on this data, psychologists compiled a list of 18 types of post-conflict behavior (it included various combinations of the methods described above). These models helped them evaluate how well each of the strategies helped them deal with disagreements.
For the second part of the study, the team found 226 couples living together. For two weeks, the volunteers wrote down information about their fights and what methods they used to make up. Respondents also talked about their mood and whether they were satisfied with the relationship.
After that, all participants in the study came to the laboratory, where they were asked to discuss two controversial issues, while each of the partners chose one. So psychologists were able to observe live how respondents deal with contradictions. Thus, they were able to rely not only on the reports of the participants, but also on their actual behavior.
Psychologists found that in the lab, the couples behaved very differently from what was previously described in the reports. However, the researchers are sure that the behavior that people demonstrate when they have just quarreled differs from their “peacekeeping” actions after a couple of hours or a day later. After all, it is extremely difficult to maintain clarity of thought in the midst of a quarrel! But later we understand what is worth doing in order to maintain peace in the family.
One type of post-conflict behavior has proven itself better than the others. As you might guess, we are talking about active recovery. It is actions that are aimed at finding a common solution and restoring former affection that allow couples not only to return the feelings that were between them before the quarrel, but also help to become closer to each other.
But the strategy of avoidance leads to negative results. And this can be understood: yes, sometimes it is difficult for us to find a solution, and that is why it is worth looking for ways to help “rise” above the conflict. We need to learn to compromise or accept that we will never agree on some issues. All this is better than avoiding difficult conversations with a partner.
The other two strategies—letting go and gaining a new perspective—have had mixed results. Yes, seeing conflict from your partner’s point of view can make you more negotiable. But if your loved one does not do the same, negative emotions will not go anywhere. This approach works when both partners use it—perhaps with the help of a therapist.
Quarrels and disagreements give us the opportunity to kiss each other like for the first time.
Letting go of the problem may or may not work at all. If you’ve come to the conclusion that your partner will simply never learn how to clean dirty socks off the floor, it’s probably best to just leave it at that. This is easier to do when you realize that you also have habits that annoy your partner.
At the same time, some conflicts still need to be resolved: if you just “let them go”, they will not resolve themselves. In this case, you should decide what you can accept and what you still cannot. Psychologists advise you to offer your partner something that you can refuse, and in return he will have to refuse something.
Yes, quarrels will always be a part of our lives. But what matters most is the actions we take to make peace. Sometimes it is more logical not to notice some trifles, sometimes it is worth looking for a compromise, sometimes it is important to listen to “advice from the audience”. But we should not forget that conflicts have a “cleansing” effect: with their help, we get rid of the frustration and irritation that have accumulated inside. Quarrels and disagreements give us the opportunity to kiss each other as if for the first time. And perhaps find a new, deeper intimacy with a partner.