All children are different, and parenting techniques that work for one may not work for another. But still, certain patterns can be traced. In the book “Children from Heaven. The Art of Positive Parenting, American psychologist John Gray identifies four types of children’s temperament and, accordingly, four approaches to communicating with children.
The main task of the John Gray methodology is to help parents raise a free, happy and independent member of society. And for this, the author believes, parents must learn to communicate with the child, taking into account the peculiarities of his temperament.
Each child is unique and unrepeatable. Everyone has characteristics, abilities, needs and interests. Parents should be aware of this and not fall into despair if their son or daughter is significantly different from the children of their friends, older brothers and sisters. In education, comparison is unacceptable.
In addition, the author recommends using different approaches to raising daughters and sons. In short, this idea can be reduced to the formula “care for girls, trust for boys”. Girls really need more reverent, caring attitude. But boys need to be trusted, providing more independence.
By determining the type of temperament of the child, you can build more effective communication with him. But keep in mind that temperament is not always manifested in its purest form. Sometimes a mix of two or even three is possible – then the child behaves completely differently even in similar situations.
1. Sensitive
Emotionally fragile, vulnerable and sensitive personality type. Complaining is part of the nature of such a child. Sensitive children need sympathy, recognition of their experiences and grievances.
Give your child the opportunity to share his hardships, and he will immediately feel better. The main mistake is trying to cheer up a sensitive son or daughter. This will most likely lead to the opposite result – the child will concentrate even more on the negative.
How to communicate. Such children react sharply to situations concerning their desires and needs. Often they respond to refusal with tears and at the same time are ready to cooperate when they can be listened to and understood. A sensitive child needs more attention, parents need to help him make friends among his peers.
With the support of adults, sensitive children become less withdrawn, more cheerful and active.
2. Active
Such children are most interested in the ability to influence the world around them. They strive to take action and achieve results. They have the makings of leaders from birth, they love to be in the spotlight.
However, for active children, you need to immediately set boundaries, otherwise they quickly go beyond what is permitted and resist the decisions of adults.
Children with such a temperament should always remember that the parent is still in charge. But in certain situations, you need to let the active child lead.
How to communicate. Such children are positively affected by team sports under the supervision of a wise coach. It is very important not to forget to encourage the desire of the child to succeed. It is important for him to know that they believe in him, then he will show his best qualities. But such children endure inaction hard. They don’t like to wait or stand in line. Therefore, during a boring lesson, it is better to immediately come up with a game or other entertainment.
Active children easily make contact when they are given a plan of action: “First we go to the store. You’ll have to be patient a little. But then we’ll go to the park, and you can play.” Over time, such children become more accommodating, ready for cooperation and compromise.
3. Reactive
Such children are usually more sociable and friendlier than their peers. It is important for them to interact with others, they always study the reaction to their behavior. At the same time, they are open to new sensations and emotions.
They strive to see, hear and experience as much as possible and love change. Because of this, it is sometimes difficult for a reactive child to concentrate, to bring some business to an end. They need constant stimulation and clear guidance from the parent.
How to communicate. The priority is the constant change of activity. Go more with such a child to new playgrounds, museums and theaters, watch cartoons and read books. Plus: such a child is easier to switch and captivate with something. They love to help their parents in new activities. A simple “Let’s do something interesting now…” is enough, and now the child is helping to bake cookies or vacuum.
It is important to remember that reactive children are very fickle and get bored quickly. At the same time, having found a job to their liking, they often become more diligent and disciplined.
4. Receptive
It is important for receptive children to understand what will happen in the next moment and what to expect from tomorrow. Predictability is important for children with this temperament.
They need time to prepare and get used to a new activity. Therefore, in no case should you rush them or scold them for slowness. For example, in a playground, a receptive child joins the game only after observing it and understanding its rules.
How to communicate. Such a child needs to set tasks, rituals, daily routine and parental support in a new business are important to him. Without it, the child may not acquire any interests at all. It’s hard for him to get out of his comfort zone. To encourage your child to do something, first let him watch you do it. Explain in detail what is what and why. These children love detailed explanations.
There is no need to forcefully involve a son or daughter in a common activity. This will cause a backlash and violent resistance. Although in general receptive children are accommodating and easy to contact, they are very friendly and thoughtful. Over time, they may become more active.
About the author: John Gray is a psychologist and specialist in family relations. He is the author of 17 books on human relationships, including the bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.