“We seem to speak the same language, but we don’t understand each other.” This can often be heard in couples, and from parents with children, and from work colleagues. Why can’t we hear each other? Because we actually speak different “languages”. But there is good news: “simultaneous translation” can be learned.
The four basic communication styles rarely occur in their pure form. Each of us has a leading style, but at the same time the second one is quite well developed. Sometimes there are generalists: they speak not only their main language, but also skillfully use three others, which allows them to expand the spheres of communication and feel like a fish in water in any environment. Such people, as a rule, are successful in business and personal life.
Scale of formality and activity
Adults often communicate formally. We are not born like this: children initially allow themselves to show emotions, but later they are taught to “sit and be silent.” In Russia, formalism in communication is more noticeable: here it is not customary to be emotional.
“Russians are afraid to express themselves. Not so far gone are the days when you could disappear with the whole family for telling an anecdote or being too frank. Totalitarian states nurture formal personalities. A formal person thinks and speaks rationally, he avoids emotional self-expression and is afraid to get in touch with the emotions of others,” says coach and expressive psychotherapist Marik Khazin.
Each of us is to some extent formal and informal, active and passive. Some are stronger, some are weaker. At the intersections of the formality axis and the activity axis, four styles of communication can be distinguished:
Targeted. These people are active and formal. It is important for them to see the goal, understand the tasks and achieve results. Often these are leaders, leaders, politicians. The motto of such people is: “The dog barks – the caravan moves on.” If they reacted to all the attacks against them, they would not have survived for a long time. Behind all the noisy attacks against them, they usually see the ultimate goal and move towards it, no matter what.
How to know purposeful? They have sharp facial features, clear and fast movements. They can also mimic – for the sake of their goal to play in a different style. They, as scouts, can be silent, although a volcano is raging in their soul at this time. Usually these are thin, lean people, because they quickly burn everything – they have no time to sit, they need to act. There may be excess weight, but in general they look fit and energetic.
Purposeful ones hate meditation and long processes. They appreciate movement. That is why, when talking with them, you need to immediately issue a short statement of goals and objectives. If you want to piss off the target, start telling him the whole story from Adam and Eve.
They dress formally, strictly. There are no unnecessary details, but they do not look skimpy
How do they say themselves? You can immediately recognize them by the first phrase: “Do you have a minute?” And then they get down to business. Use short sentences. They always want to know the reason: if you turn to them with a request or a question, a counter one will follow – “Why is this necessary?”. They are impatient. They interrupt if they are spoken to in long and confusing formulations.
Targeted immediately visible on the clothes. They dress formally, strictly. There are no unnecessary details, but at the same time they do not look skimpy. They will have one accessory, but an expensive one. They have a sophisticated style. It is important for them what dishes they eat and drink from. Their dinner will be just as refined and concise: steak, salad and a glass of wine.
“Once I conducted a training among bankers. 20 men and one woman. All in black and navy blue suits. Everyone, except the lady, has ties. Shirts – from white to pale blue, – recalls Marik Khazin. And all in black shoes. I showed them how to determine the style of communication of a person by appearance. The targeted one will have shoes not for $50, but for $5000. Watches for 200 thousand are normal for them. They will allow themselves to drive a year-old car and not change it to a new one, unless they have another, more important goal at the moment – for example, to buy a mansion in a prestigious area. It is important for them to keep the style. As a rule, these are daffodils: without self-love, you can’t break through to the top.
Initiators. They are also active, but informal. It costs nothing for these gentlemen to put on a giant ring in their entire hand, or even several rings of different colors and shapes, shoes for those same $ 50, if they catch the eye, a bright scarf, colorful trousers or a skirt. If we have a pure initiator in front of us, he will be an example of impressive bad taste.
They also have narcissistic symptoms, just like the goal-directed ones. They must be the navel of the earth. Even in new companies and unfamiliar surroundings, they quickly put together a noisy company around them. The initiators can be heard in the crowd – they speak loudest of all. But precisely because of their ability to attract attention, they often become generators of ideas, the main inspirers.
They talk a lot, excitedly, about everything at once and in long sentences in which they describe all the details in a cinematic way.
They didn’t have time to talk about one thing, but they already have a second idea on their tongue, and a third one in their head. And it’s good when there is a purposeful person nearby who will pick up this idea and build a clear plan of action – the initiator himself is not able to bring his insight to a logical conclusion.
On their desktop, you will most likely see a mess, unless the initiator has a purposeful “mixture”, then there will still be some order. They are as hyperactive in food as they are in everything else: it will not just be a hearty and generous table, it will be buffet tables accommodating everything from salty to sweet.
Among the initiators there can be fat and even fat people: they are so bursting with endlessly emerging ideas and projects, they are so interested in everything that they simply do not have time to digest it, and they are “inflated” from the inside. However, if they have time to express what they have thought up and pass it on, they quickly burn the surplus.
They talk a lot, excitedly, about everything at once and in long sentences in which they describe all the details in a cinematic way. They are creators, and they think in images. Winning the initiator is simple: just praise their “brilliant idea”.
Emotions. They, like the initiators, belong to the informal style. But, unlike them, they are passive. No need to wait for ideas from them, but if you want to get a portion of different emotions – you are here. Emotional people need support, acceptance, and understanding of their feelings.
They are not one of those who will attract attention to themselves, their clothes will not be flashy, although not without embellishment: ruffles, bows, embroidery, ornament, but only in order to more accurately express their current state.
They speak softly, melodiously. If the purposeful is expressed in the language of music with the help of staccato, then the emotional is legato. Emotional people are in a cocoon of feelings. If you praise them, they will even work for free.
In work, they are ready for cooperation, they know how to empathize, they are delicate
They can create a friendly and cozy atmosphere in the team. They are vulnerable and impressionable, so you do not need to raise your voice at them.
If you want to achieve a result from an emotional, praise his work, show care and attention – bring a cup of coffee or give a flower or a nice trinket. And they will do the necessary work with readiness and dedication.
Analysts. Formal and passive style. This is the majority of clerks, attendants, employees of the tax authorities. They take everything seriously and literally.
Due to their formality, analysts are able to process a lot of data. But they tend to dig into it. Often they are so addicted to searching and analyzing that they do not meet the deadlines.
You should not expect ideas and activity from them, but they are wonderful and patient performers.
You just need to take into account their peculiarity of breaking deadlines and therefore giving a minimum of tasks. Rest assured that sooner or later they will do everything neatly and exhaustively.
Often these are excellent organizers. They like to collect collections that will be sorted, sorted and cataloged neatly and accurately. They can be safely instructed to sort out stacks of documents and other routine, but important things.
You can recognize them by their quiet voice, which you rarely hear – analysts are not the type to chat. They will be more willing to email you than tell you verbally.
You can’t shout at them either – they will fall into a stupor and won’t even be able to move. They prefer a built-in work plan and experience and get lost if the plan is unexpectedly changed. They dress more often in gray, inconspicuous – such as to merge with the interior.
Complete set
For successful and effective work in the company must be all styles of communication. If there are only initiators, then the work will end quite quickly – there will be no one to implement their brilliant ideas. To do this, you need targeted. Emotions come in handy to breathe life into a product and project. Analysts are indispensable for routine work.
But what about personal relationships? In a couple, Marik Khazin is convinced, the most difficult thing is to get along with opposites. But this is also the most useful. Purposeful lacks emotions, and emotional lacks the ability to set and achieve goals. It is in such a union that development is possible.
The emotional and the analyst coexist perfectly. The first one will create coziness and comfort, and the second one will take care of current worries: no one is better than analysts able to read instructions for household appliances or walk the dog every day.
Purposeful and analytical – it will be a boring formal marriage, where one begins to command the other. But many marriages of convenience, where feelings are not required, are successfully built precisely on this. Two analysts will not have a colorful life, and probably not sex either. A good neighborhood with a predictable and stable life, without shocks and cataclysms.
In work and in personal life, the most successful, according to Marik Khazin, are those who use all four communication styles, adjusting to the interlocutor. And this can be learned if you are attentive to yourself and others, noticing and accepting your own and other people’s characteristics.
About expert
Marik Khazin – coach with 37 years of experience. Expressive psychotherapist, artist, director, author of the books “From Love to Hate … and Back”, “Sold!” and “Open the window”. Creator .