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We all come from childhood, said Antoine de Saint-Exupery. Our relationship with a partner also depends on what our childhood communication with adults was like. We understand how it affects us with the help of attachment theory.
Attachment depends on our ability to trust ourselves and others. It develops from the moment of birth: the baby becomes attached to a significant adult who cares for him – most often this is the mother, although not necessarily her. And from this adult, the child expects protection and support when he experiences anxiety. Moreover, attachment to him arises in any case, even if an adult is deprived of sensitivity or inattentive.
The child does not have the opportunity to choose relationships, so he has to adapt to those in which he already finds himself. And the emotional habits and reactions that have arisen in them influence his future: they largely determine what his relationships with other people will become in adulthood. The closer and closer the relationship, for example, romantic, the brighter the features of childish affection will appear in them.
John Bowlby, based on the work of child psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, developed a theory that describes the main styles of attachment. According to the description, everyone can recognize the one that is peculiar to him.
1.Secure attachment
“Emotions do not overwhelm me, but I do not suppress them. I communicate easily and just as easily can be alone without losing my calm and enjoying it. I treat my partner’s requests with attention and do not perceive them as a threat or an obligation.
This attachment style develops in children who are confident that a significant adult will always be there when needed and will provide assistance. This confidence allows them to feel safe and explore the world around them with interest. They enjoy intimacy and are not dependent.
2. Withdrawn or avoidant insecure attachment
“I avoid close relationships, I tend to be distrustful, I find it difficult to express my feelings, turn to others for help or advice. Partners I usually perceive as disinterested or detached. I don’t want to be rejected, so I pretend I don’t need affection.”
This style of attachment occurs when the child’s calls go unanswered and needs are not met. The child concludes that his desires are indifferent to an adult, and tries to adapt to this situation, suppressing his need for love and care. He may look indifferent and uninterested, but behind this lies the fear of rejection and grief.
3. Restless or anxious insecure attachment
“I often experience anxiety, jealousy gnaws at me, overwhelmed by emotions that I can’t cope with. I’m afraid of becoming addicted or being seen as obsessive. Then I try to withdraw into myself, but soon I get lonely and anxious, and everything repeats.
This style of attachment is a consequence of the unpredictable behavior of an adult: he is either rude, or gentle, or indifferent. It may suddenly leave, leaving the child, but he does not understand what it depends on and what to expect. Such children are afraid of strangers even in the presence of a parent, they are very upset when the parent leaves, but they are not happy when he returns. And sometimes they even get angry with him because they don’t feel safe with him.
4. Fearful Attachment
“I am lonely because of distrust. Close relationships scare me, but I also fear being alone and need moral support. I am extremely sensitive to rejection, and it is difficult for me to assert myself.
This style of attachment occurs in children who are used to suppressing their feelings, not meeting with a significant adult for help and approval, withstanding ridicule and intimidation on his part.
Read more in J. Bowlby’s book Making and Breaking Emotional Ties (Academic Project, 2006).