4 Skills of Frank Speaking

For almost half a century, John Gottman’s “love laboratory” has been studying the question of how two lovers “live happily ever after.” They have observed and analyzed the relationships of thousands of couples and have pinpointed exactly what separates relationship masters from losers. One of the main differences is the ability to have deep conversations and really hear each other. Here are the recommendations John Gottman makes in his new book 8 Important Dates.

Schedule a meeting in advance, agree that you and your partner will leave your work and household chores behind the scenes, turn off electronic means of communication and spend time focusing on each other, talking about something personal. Remind yourself that your relationship is not about running the house and raising children. First and foremost, you are friends and people who love each other.

Not all conversations will be easy. Not losing love requires a level of openness that is sometimes uncomfortable. Some people find it difficult to talk about sex and intimacy. Others find it difficult to discuss development and spirituality. Still others find it difficult to talk about money problems. You may be worried about whether the conversation will lead to a quarrel.

Here are some skills that will help everyone express how they feel. They do not have to be used every time, although there are no restrictions here. They are used to start and maintain a frank conversation.

1. Put your feelings into words

Try saying something like this: I feel…

• that you accept me
• that you understand me
• that you reject me
• that you appreciate / underestimate me,
• that you put me down
• that you neglect me
• that you don’t even like me
• that I annoy you
• that is far from you
• offended/frightened/abandoned,
• yourself a loser
• yourself unattractive,
• thanks to you
• shyness
• tenderness and affection
• voltage,
• your alienation/loneliness,
• (sexual) arousal,
• romantic mood,
• anxiety / resentment / fatigue / regret / disgust / fear / joy / boredom / anger / shame.

Now talk about why you have these feelings. You can include a description of the events that led up to the feeling, a story from your childhood, an observation you made, an insight or revelation you experienced—anything that you think might have caused the feeling.

2. During a frank conversation, ask your partner open-ended questions.

For example, these are:

• What do you feel? / What else do you feel?
• What would you really like?
• What would you really like to say and to whom exactly?
• What feelings are you scared to even think about?
• Are you experiencing mixed feelings? If so, which ones?
• What events in your own life does this remind you of?
• What decisions do you need to make?
• How does this fit in with your values?
• Think of a person you truly admire. What would he say or do and how would he view the situation?
• Who or what do you disapprove of?
• What has changed or is changing in you now and how did these changes affect the situation?
• How would you like this situation to be resolved now or in the future?

3. Help your partner communicate their feelings and needs

Try to insert phrases into the conversation during a frank conversation:

• Tell me a story related to this situation.
• I want to know everything you feel.
• Talk to me, I’m listening to you.
• Nothing is more important to me now than listening to you.
• We have plenty of time to talk. Don’t rush, speak properly.
• Tell me what are your top priorities in this situation.
• What options do you think you have?
• When you don’t know what to do, it’s okay, but what are your assumptions?
• I think you already found the solution. Tell me what it is.
• Help me see the situation through your eyes. What are the most important moments for you?
• Tell me what worries you the most.
• Tell me more about how you see this situation.
• Tell me about a decision you feel you will have to make.

4. Show tolerance, empathy, support your partner

Try inserting sympathetic statements like the following into the conversation:

• Everything you said is perfectly reasonable.
• You must be feeling so hopeless!
• I feel your despair/pain when you talk about it.
• You are in a difficult situation.
• I’m on your side.
• Oh cool, sounds amazing!
• You must be very offended.
• I support your position / I completely agree with you.
• It seems to disgust you!
• You are in a lot of pain. I feel it.
• It must have upset you.
• What a disappointment!
• It’s very scary/It sounds scary.
• It would disappoint me too/It would make me sad too.
• Wow! It must have been unpleasant.
• No wonder you got angry.
• I think I got it. So you feel…

Read more in John Gottman’s 8 Important Dates. How to create relationships for life” (Audrey, Eksmo, 2019).