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After examining the marital lives of many couples, the couple’s therapist identified four major signs of an impending divorce, which he called the «four horsemen of the apocalypse.»
What discrepancies are we talking about? About criticism, disrespect, defense and retreat, unwillingness to enter into conflict. One way or another, such problems occur in absolutely any relationship, but if more than one is found in a marriage, the therapist may have reasonable doubts about the longevity of the union.
1. Criticizing a partner, not his behavior
Criticism that implies that something is wrong with the partner. It may be an attack on traits of his personality or character. Generalizations are often used, such as “you always …”, “you never …”, “you are one of those people …”, “why are you like this …”.
Usually the criticized begins to defend himself, as a result, the partners stop hearing each other, and further communication becomes impossible.
What to do? If we criticize, then only the specific behavior of the partner, and not his personality as a whole. For example: «X happened, I felt Y, and I need Z.»
2. Expression of contempt for the spouse
We are talking about any non-verbal signals that make it clear that one of the partners considers the other below him: ridicule, offensive nicknames, eye rolling, evil humor, offensive sarcasm, contemptuous smiles … Everything that hits the partner’s self-esteem. Purpose: to offend or mock. Admittedly, this is the most serious problem of all four.
What to do? Spouses need to work on themselves in order to exclude such attacks and create an atmosphere of mutual respect and kindness.
3. Aggressive defense
It seems to one of the partners that the other criticizes him all the time, and he tries to defend himself. Or he pretends to be a victim and begins to make excuses: he utters phrases like “circumstances forced me to do this”, “I am not to blame”, “I am not …”.
Further in the conversation, mutual accusations arise — the partner reacts to criticism with counter criticism. Sentences begin with the words «yes, but …» — agreement is mixed with disagreement or one’s point of view is constantly expressed, and the opposite is ignored.
What to do? Try to side with your partner. Let him know that you agree with at least part of his words, that you understand his feelings and are able to look at the situation through his eyes.
4. Locking in on yourself, running away from conflict
To avoid a difficult situation, some partners become silent or begin to answer in monosyllables, try to change the subject, stare at the computer screen, or simply leave the room. Sometimes it is an attempt to calm down, to escape from the storm of emotions. But the conflict still cannot be avoided. «Neutrality» is perceived by the partner as disapproval, coldness, distancing, lack of contact and arrogance.
What to do? Notice in time that you or your partner can no longer cope with a storm of emotions and need a break. In this case, you need to take a break and continue the conversation only when everyone calms down.